Hot Dawgs!!! Amour Hot Dawgs!!!

I hate this company!!!  Even more than Oscar Meyer.  And that says a LOT!!!   Yes, I LOVE hot dogs.  Hell, who doesn't?  I've long said that I sleep better at night once I've had a bit of sausage in me...  Oh, just get over it!!!

But their theme song was dreadful.  And sexist.  And a bit creepy.

"Hot dogs!  Amour hot dogs!
What kind of kids eat Armour hot dogs?
Fat kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on rocks,
Tough kids, sissy kids even kids with chicken pox
love hot dogs, Armour hot dogs,
the dog kids love to bite!"

What the bloody fuck was up with that???  FAT kids???  SISSY kids???  Chicken pox???  Yeah, nothing sells a food item faster than incorporating  obesity, sexual orientation and disease!!!  Especially disease.  Hey, these things go great with pickles and penicillin!!!
  
Hot Dogs bring more than just awesome phallic jokes- they bring smiles from Hayward to Beloit. Since Chicago is to Hot Dogs like Boston is to obnoxious Sports fans or Baltimore is to critically acclaimed but under watched HBO shows; I feel very qualified to preach the virtues of the Hot Dog. Here is a very brief timeline of the Hot Dog.

- 1000 B.C. The first semblance of a Hot Dog was made in Ancient China. Called “Honorable meal for an elder to eat by the reeds of the river” it was rumored to be dragon meat on a rice patty sprinkled with Opium. Soon they got rid of the meat and patty and just kept the Opium- people were fine with it.

- 1894- Hot Dogs were introduced at the Chicago Worlds Fair by Eli Whitney as a means to combat consumption. Its medical side effects were later discredited but 9 out 10 ten doctors agreed it was delicious

-1908 President Taft makes the Hot Dog the “The official food of the President” (Although to be fair he gave pretty much every food that title..fat jokes!)

-1945 Normandy Beach- General Eisenhower feeds his troops Hot Dogs because of their convenience and nutrition. After their victory Eisenhower proclaims it “Hot Dog Day” which then changed to “Dog Day” then finally it was come to known as “D-Day”

-November 3^rd 1948 The Chicago Tribune accidentally prints the headline “Dewey gives Truman a Hot Dog”

- 1964 Martin Luther King gives his inspiring “Hot Dog at the top of Mountain” speech in Alabama. The next day LBJ signs the Civil Rights Act.

- 1998- The Starr Report’s Clinton/Lewinsky Hot Dog excerpt provides a year of punch lines for SNL, Letterman, and Leno.

I know you most of my readers can't read or write but  History speaks for itself. Here is some more proof of Hot Dog’s greatness

Meals on Wheels: The Weiner Mobile. The coolest car on the road- when you see it- it makes your day. Plus it runs on dreams and dreams don’t emit any carbon dioxide.  And it's based here in Madison.  I've been inside it.  I have a Weiner Whistle!!!

Star Power. Kobayashi is the biggest star in the world. In 2004 he made more money than Tiger Woods and Jennifer Garner combined. According to this poll I just made up he is 40 percent more recognizable than Secretary of the Interior Kenneth Salazar.

Personally, I am a fan of Hebrew Nationals.  The all beef ones.  They're Kosher.  They plump up.  I love a sausage that plumps up.  Sorry, Sea Squirt, but I was born into the faith and I love nothing better than a bit of kindred spirit slipping into my buns.  It's nothing personal.  Think of it as my heritage.  Granted, a weird heritage but a heritage nonetheless.  Hell, what else do I have to hang onto except a sausage???