Good grief, have the Easy-Bake Oven people totally lost their minds??? Have you heard about this? It's just so freaking "America" it hurts!!!
Remember the Easy-Bake Oven? Well, after 48-years and 12 different design versions they are still kicking around. But today they managed to leap head long into the 20th century and a new level of madness. When first introduced in 1963 they were made of metal, resembled an actual oven and were powered by two 100-watt lightbulbs. Can you say hotter than fuck and scream third-degree burns at the top of your lungs? Trust me, LOTS of little girls did. Hell a few even managed to lose a finger or two in the process... White hot metal apparently gets pretty sharp. (Tell me what is horridly wrong with the picture to the left...)
Aside from a nauseating array of colors not found in nature this "toy" went through a number of changes. First it went down to just one lightbulb. Then it became made of plastic. Then it got a microwave design just to modern it up a bit. Hmmm, lets think about this a second... a 100-watt lightbulb inside of a plastic container the size of a shoe box. While the outside did not get white hot like the metal ones did it did get hot enough to melt and stick to your hands. Emergency room, here we come!!!
Enter the Federal Government. (NEVER a good thing) A recall? Hell no!!! Just another insane ruling. It seems they are legally phasing out incandescent lightbulbs (I'm stocking up on them) and are going to push those damned CF bulbs down our throats whether we want them or not. Apparently incandescent bulbs really are the gateway lighting source to heavy petting, communist thoughts and plaids. Who knew??? Sensing the lions at the gates the Easy-Bake Oven folks decided to come up with a 13th version of their toy. (Can the 13th of anything EVER be a good thing???) Get this... the new version is twice the size of the last model, looks something like the head of "Rosie", the Jetson's robot maid, is purple with "cool" graphics, costs twice as much as the last one ($49.99!!! For that price why not just go buy your child and actual microwave???) and has done away with the lightbulb altogether. In favor of an actual heating element!!! Just like a "real oven" as they like to promote it. Well, no more third-degree burns or severed fingers, now we just have to worry about house fires. And they still call this creature from the 5th gate of hell a toy??? I can't wait for the lawsuits to start.
Through all of its 48 years though, the little oven that could has had one constant. It still consistently makes the crappiest "treats" known to man. Runny "cupcakes", burnt "pizza", "cookies" that rival talavera tiles in texture and "pancakes" as good as any shingle I have ever chipped a tooth on. Don't even get me started on the "brownies". And I used to think toys couldn't get any worse than Barbie...
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