OK, this is just SO me that it hurts. And I do mean hurts.
This afternoon I go up to the PDQ gas station on Monona Dr. to put some air in the tires. A simple enough task on the surface and one that I have managed to effortlessly accomplish innumerable times before. Today however I decided to throw myself a curve ball. Guess who managed to lock the keys in the car??? Yes, that would be me. No problemo, I think to myself, I'll just give AAA a call and ask for lock-out assistance. Where was my AAA card? In my wallet, of course. Which was sitting clearly on the passenger seat. Calling Sea Squirt was a useless option as we are now a one vehicle family and I had no money in my pockets to use the pay phone even if I wanted to. Why the pay phone you ask. Because the cell phone was charging at home. FMTT!!! My only option was to hike my ass home on foot and grab the other set of keys. Again, FMTT!!! I have since learned through a MapQuest search that the distance is a total of a little over 4.25 miles. And guess who has on a brand new pair of topsiders that are nowhere near broken in??? Boned just doesn't begin to describe the start of this cascade of errors.
As I walk across the gas station parking lot another customer approaches me and asks where the McDonald's is. I point down Broadway (the direction I need to go) and say turn left at the third light, two miles at the most. Do I think to ask if I can catch a lift that far with him? Hell no, that would have been way too easy!!! I just stood there, angry at my new shoes and watched him drive away. DUH!!!
I hadn't made it more than six blocks when my shins and calves started hurting and by the time I made it up the aforementioned McDonald's the first of my hips was starting to give out. (Did I mention that I am a very, VERY old person?). But at least I was "almost" half way home. And now walking directly into the wind for the rest of the journey. By the time I made it up the train tracks I was giving serious thought to just laying down on them and doing a Pearl Pureheart on myself with the next passing Burlington Northern. Cooler heads managed to somehow prevail and once I had finally stopped crying I continued on my sojourn. I had barely made it past the sewage treatment plant (thank god the wind was in my favor) when I knew I was in serious trouble. Remember those new shoes??? I had blisters on both heels and had managed to wear the better part of one of my little toes completely off. Hobbling along just doesn't adequately describe the rest of my journey.
An hour and a half after starting this hike from hell I finally made it home. Sea Squirt just happened to be looking out of the front window when he saw me come limping up the side lawn and needing to be buzzed in. He wasn't sure if I had been car-jacked or had managed to wreck the car again in one of my infamous T-Boning incidents. I know that he wanted to burst out laughing when I told him that I had locked the keys in the car but I think that he realized that had he done that I would have taken him out back and fed him to the squirrels. With the help of a neighbor who gave me a ride I was back home with car in about 20 minutes. Windblown, limping, slightly bloody and dehydrated I might add.
I quickly bellied up to the medicine cabinet and washed down half a sleeve of Mexican aspirin with a pitcher of Kool-Aid. Then, just for good measure, I tongued the last two 20 mg tabs of morphine that I had left to my name. Hey, I looked and felt like day old shit on a stick so it just seemed like a good idea at the time. What can I say, self medicating is one of my fortes. An hour later I felt better. A LOT better. Of course, with 40 mg's of morphine in me I also felt younger, prettier and totally smokin' hot as well. Opiates. They'll do that to ya...
How I somehow manage to spend entire days maneuvering the "streets" and "sidewalks" in Mexico (let alone the canyons of Calle de Fiba) and still want to go dancing until dawn is beyond me. Must be the brisk salt air. Or the tequila...
Have I learned a lesson from todays little adventure? You betcha!!! From now on Sea Squirt is in charge of putting air in the tires!!!
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