So, I was out drinking a late lunch with a dear friend of mine the other day and completely out of the azul he turns to me and asks "Who's the worst queen you've ever been subjected to?". After I had signaled to bartender to line up another round of Sauza shots I felt obliged to answer. What the hell. Apparently inquiring minds hungered to know.
OK, I'm anal. My mind starts to immediately Google my brain looking for the juiciest links. As my friend signals the bartender to set us up again I query, "May I ask a qualifying question?". Of course, he says yes. Silly man... "How do you want this?" I ask. "By decade? City I have lived in? Proximity at any given moment? By bar? Sheer bitchiness? Total lack of ability to accessorize? No more Gay-Dar than god gave a toothpick? In drag or out of drag? Not as pretty as they thought they were? Dead or alive? The ones who stabbed me? The ones I filed charges for assault on? 911? How far do you want me to go back? C'mon, point me in a direction!!!" He looks at me. Kind of stunned. I ordered another round just to keep us both lucid. "Oh, just spill your innards." he says. I respond with "Fasten your seat belt, cupcake."
I decided to do it by decade. Flashback.... the 70's.
They started in my hometown of San Francisco, migrated to Wisconsin for college and ended up back in San Francisco for my whore period. Sort of like Picasso's blue period only a LOT more fun. OMG, I knew some of the most incredibly bitchy clones back then. It was WAY beyond dog eat dog. And I was one of them. Oh, god... Tight 501's. Top button undone. A specially custom shrank white t-shirt. Porn 'stache. Black tennis shoes. Oh, lord,we were just too awful for words. But at least we got laid a lot. A LOT!!! I met the most devious, bottom feeding, awful SOB I had ever seen up to that point.. OMG, we're talking psychic-vampire!!! I swear, that bitch could suck the color out of wallpaper!!! I still shudder. I hope to god someone finally put a stake through it's heart!
Fast forward... the 80's.
Cool, this gives me two cities. Minneapolis and Portland, OR. In Minneapolis I met a queen so freaking evil that she actually carried poison apples around just so she wouldn't have to pay for cab fare home after she wasn't snagged up at the "sidewalk sale" when the bar closed. Hideous. Just hideous. Her name was Chi Chi La'rue. Drag don't you know. Today she CEO of Chi Chi La'rue Productions. One of the largest gay porn studios in the country. I salute you. But you're still just a fat guy in a dress, you bitch!!! Portland. Oh, my... That city was just a clusterfuck waiting to be set on fire and then flushed. I met the chart topper of emotional cannibals there. Holy shit, he was amazingly toxic. And a total and complete cunt. My apologies to the sensitive out there, but holyshit this guy just sucked rocks!!! He was a pompous fuckwad with nowhere the money he needed to have behind him to be this big of a shithead. He and I served on two Boards of Director's together and came to so many (way to many) bitch slapping smack downs for me to count. I wanted that SOB to get hit by the moon!!! This is the one instance in my life where I can honestly say I prayed for the permission to instill bodily harm. To where the end result was a funeral. Where I would attend and piss on the corpse. Yes, I HATED THAT MOTHERFUCKER!!!
Flash forward... The 90's. Pretty boring really. I moved back to Wisconsin. I divorced husband number 3. I isolated. I drank. Heavily. I was happy. And then I moved to Madison. I had the next door neighbor from hell. Her name was Todd. FMTT!!! He had emotional canines! Talk about a great white in a pod of baby seals!!! I kept threatening her with a cattle prod... hooked up to Sears DieHard battery. Just get TFAFM!!! Thank god, she's dead. Poisoned, I've heard. Then there's John.. Dead body in the basement. At 2:00 in the morning. Oh yeah, instant freak-out. Don't ask questions. It was sort of a private moment for me. Thank god for a liquor cabinet full of Scotch and the good sense to "sanitize" the house!!! OJFMTTT!!! TOTAL homo-hands!!!
Flash forward... The 'Oughts.
Again, pretty boring. Unless you want to count the cranial hemorrhage, the "paper clip" in my brain, Lyme Disease and the building fire that I was rescued from. Out of window. Over the back of a VERY burly fireman. Had I been conscience I would have been in heaven!!! My car, my dog, me and everything I owned smelled like a bbq at Twelve Oaks. OJFM!!!
Flash forward... the 'teens...
I have a stalker. He's a strange dude. Actually, he used to be a friend. Now, he's just a fiend. I have never had someone that I know go this ballistic on me. Overnight. He used to be a good friend. Now, I look over my shoulder. Just way TOO weird!!! WTF do you think I did to you dude???
As the next round of shots magically appear before us, I ask my friend, "Does that answer your question?".
He immediately orders two more rounds of shots.!
And then we ask for the dinner menu.
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