Well, I guess it had to happen sooner or later but damn, I'm gonna miss that cantankerous old broad. And I say that with all of the love in my heart. I've been fascinated by her since I was old enough to flush the toilet.
She had it all. Talent, beauty, glamor, scandal (OK, scandals, she was good at them) the temperament of a bull elephant, more diamonds than South Africa, enough ex-husbands to fill a bus and at one point more chins than a Chinese phone book. Oh yeah, and more last names than you could shake a stick at. Can you imagine being Elizabeth Taylor-Hilton-Wilding-Todd-Fisher-Burton-Burton-Warner-Fortensky??? How the hell did that all fit on her drivers license??? And let's not forget those eyes!!! They were not only beautiful but she was known to be able to kill with them as well when the mood struck her. She was truly my kind of woman.
I am madly in love with every movie she ever did. Even the truly bad ones like "Cleopatra" and "The Taming Of The Shrew". Wow, those two were so deliciously awful only a gay man could appreciate them. But she made some truly amazing gems as well, like "A Place In The Sun", "Elephant Walk", "Cat On A Hot Tin Roof", "Butterfield 8" and my all time favorite, "Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf?". That is the most frighteningly visceral film I have ever had the pleasure to see. Repeatedly, I might add. What she did as Martha is genuinely the stuff of nightmares. I've stolen more one liners out of the film than I can count.
She was a fag-hag right out of the gate and I love her for that. You needed some serious stones to pull that off back in the 1950's and she did it with amazing panache. In the 1980's she jumped into the forefront of the AIDS epidemic becoming the first president of AMFAR and systematically selling off her jewels to help the fund the organization. Even the 68 carat one that was named after her. You just gotta admire that!!!
Starting in the 1980's she put her name and image behind what would become two of the most successfully selling perfumes in history. And donated all of her proceeds to charities. She funded food pantries, homeless shelters, battered women shelters, clinics and even built a hospital in Africa.
She also had a mean right hook and apparently could throw objects with deadly accuracy. Just ask the couple who bought her house in Puerto Vallarta. When she sold it she didn't take a single item out of it and when they inventoried the place they quickly discovered that there wasn't a complete set of plates, glasses, service ware or cook ware in the place. Lord, there must have been some hellacious arguments in that house when she and Richard were there. I just have to giggle when I picture her standing on the Pink Bridge in the middle of the night, drunk on her ass and throwing shit down into the street at him in a rage that only she could pull off. Duck and cover!!!
I swear she only stopped getting married because she was about to run out of fingers to count them on!!! Let's do a recap of them:
1. An heir to one of the richest families in America.
2. One of England's most celebrated dramatic actors.
3. One of the world's greatest showmen and promoters.
4. The most famous popular singer of the day.
5 & 6. One of England's most celebrated Shakespearian actors.
7. Governor of Virginia and later U.S. Senator.
8. An unemployed plumber that she shared garbage detail with in rehab.
Girlfriend, that is some SERIOUS downsizing!!! When they married
she was 59 and he was 39. Can you say "Cougar-Town"???
In 1999 she was awarded the honor of Dame Commander of the Order of the British Empire by Queen Elizabeth II. Apparently her Majesty has NEVER read a tabloid in her life. Yes, she actually was Dame Elizabeth. From dame to Dame. You have to admire what having dual citizenship can get you...
To you, Dame Elizabeth, a heartfelt and slightly teary final goodbye. I will miss you. But in my DVD collection you will always remain smoking hot and full of piss and vinegar. As it should be.
Adios, dear lady. Gone but definitely NOT to be forgotten...
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
OK, Is It Just Me....
...or does anybody else out there think that Hugo Chavez is in the end stages of tertiary syphilis??? He just gets loonier by the day. I've listened to his annoying rants and rages for too damned long. And they just keep getting stranger and stranger. He hates freaking everybody. And everything. He's managed to nationalize everything in sight short of the moon, he's selectively line-vetoed his country's constitution down to a Cliff Notes version, he thinks America, as always, is the greatest evil since Cthulu and is known to have 6 hour long "fireside chats" over the country's airwaves, which, by the way he totally controls. I gotta nanoseconds worth of patience for that mind-numbing turd!!!
Anyway, have you heard his latest bit of wisdom? It's just too wonderfully weird for words. He is now at the symposium for World Water Day (I have NO idea why) where he was a featured speaker. ?????
He began his speech by saying that the great civilizations on Mars were destroyed by capitalism. Yeah, I'm not kidding. In his opinion, the noble Martian society was brought down by capitalism, imperialism and perhaps a bit too many sub-prime mortgages. No doubt brought there by America. How many old 1950's science fiction DVD's does this whacko have in his collection???
His second point was that the world is running out of water. As he downed two pitchers of the stuff at the podium. Well, thanks a lot you son-of-a-bitch for pounding down my share of what's left!!! Has he never seen a satellite photo??? They're called oceans, you idiot!!! Has he never been to the coast of his own country??? It's called the Caribbean Sea!!! Has he never heard of global warming??? Trust me, Hugo, in a couple of decades or less we're all going to be up to out tits in water!!! Literally.
He then closed by stating that the U.S. only attacked Libya for its water. Again, a satellite photo you fool. Libya is a freaking desert!!! A gazillion square miles of sun parched, dry, burning desert!!! Even they import their water through Evian's online site!!! Apparently slaughtering your own people to allow you the privilege of choking the survivors to death really is a warm and fuzzy kind of thing to this nut.
I want to build a trebuchet big enough to launch Hugo all the way to Cuba where he hopefully lands in his good buddy, Castro's, lap. And trust me, NOBODY wants to be in Castro's lap right now. His Depends might be full!!! SO NOT PRETTY!!!
Anyway, have you heard his latest bit of wisdom? It's just too wonderfully weird for words. He is now at the symposium for World Water Day (I have NO idea why) where he was a featured speaker. ?????
He began his speech by saying that the great civilizations on Mars were destroyed by capitalism. Yeah, I'm not kidding. In his opinion, the noble Martian society was brought down by capitalism, imperialism and perhaps a bit too many sub-prime mortgages. No doubt brought there by America. How many old 1950's science fiction DVD's does this whacko have in his collection???
His second point was that the world is running out of water. As he downed two pitchers of the stuff at the podium. Well, thanks a lot you son-of-a-bitch for pounding down my share of what's left!!! Has he never seen a satellite photo??? They're called oceans, you idiot!!! Has he never been to the coast of his own country??? It's called the Caribbean Sea!!! Has he never heard of global warming??? Trust me, Hugo, in a couple of decades or less we're all going to be up to out tits in water!!! Literally.
He then closed by stating that the U.S. only attacked Libya for its water. Again, a satellite photo you fool. Libya is a freaking desert!!! A gazillion square miles of sun parched, dry, burning desert!!! Even they import their water through Evian's online site!!! Apparently slaughtering your own people to allow you the privilege of choking the survivors to death really is a warm and fuzzy kind of thing to this nut.
I want to build a trebuchet big enough to launch Hugo all the way to Cuba where he hopefully lands in his good buddy, Castro's, lap. And trust me, NOBODY wants to be in Castro's lap right now. His Depends might be full!!! SO NOT PRETTY!!!
Monday, March 21, 2011
Senor Cookie Monster Meets Abuelita De Nada.
Let me preface this by saying that I honestly don't know how I manage to get myself into situations like this. No, wait, I actually DO know how I manage it. It's usually eyes wide open and both feet straight into the deep end. Today was certainly no different but at least this time it was truly entertaining.
I was out running errands and found myself in the middle of a serious sugar craving so I decided to swing by my favorite Mexican pastelaria/deli for a big bag of cookies and torta to take home for Sea Squirt and I to split for lunch. BTW, a torta is a Mexican sandwich and at El Bolillo they are literally about the size of a football. I walk in the front door and Senora Rosalinda throws her arms open and greets me with "Senor Cookie Monster!!! Buenosdias!!!". She's been calling me that since December because she knows I am totally hooked on her cookies. I love her!!! Then Senor Alberto pops his head out from behind a cabinet and yells "Hola, Senor Cookie Monster!". I tell Senora that I need some cookies and a chicken torta to go. She yells back to Alberto "Torta con pollo!!! Rapido!!! Rapido!!!". Then I start hand selecting which cookies I want (it's good to be a Most Valued Customer at this place!!!), grab a Mexican Coca-Cola and start watching an episode of the Mexican version of "Ugly Betty" on the TV while I wait for my torta. All seemed right with the world. I should have seen it coming...
Within seconds she appeared from out of nowhere. And decided to befriend me. At close range. As in the chair next to me. She was no more than a meter and half in height, as wrinkled as a raison and at least 400 years old. I think she used to date Cortez. To be fair, I had seen her wondering around back in the kitchen on several earlier visits so I knew she was family somehow so I wasn't particularily frightened of her. Just to be sociable I looked at her and asked "Senora, como de nombre?" to which she replied "de nada". ??????? Now I know that my Spanish can be a bit sparce at times but I DO know that "de nada" means "you're welcome". She them picked up the paper that was lying on the table and began to read it aloud. In Spanish. Unfortunately for her, the Wisconsin State Journal is published in English. Which I would quickly discover she knew not a single word of. Then I notice Senora Rosalinda behind the counter, pointing at my table mate with one hand and making little circles around the side of her head with the index finger of her other hand. I took that mean that she was from Senor Alberto's side of the family and NOT hers. Senora Rosalinda began to come out from behind the corner in an attempt to rescue me but I stopped her by saying "Senora, es no problema." She shrugged her shoulders and happily left me to my own devices with De Nada.
Since I had some time to kill and nothing better to do I just decided to dive right in. I struck up a conversation with De Nada, using every Spanish phrase and question I could readily remember. She was very pleased that I had a red pencil box. No, she had not seen my brown valise. No, she did not know where the library was but the post office was apparently out in the parking lot somewhere. And yes, she did indeed have the shirt in both a different size AND color. I also discovered that she is as big a fan of the peanut butter cookies as I am. Oh, yeah, I had a live one on my hands here!!! A corazon de oro but a definite arterial flow problem above the shoulders. Sort of like Bernice Clifton.
Then Senor Alberto came out of the kitchen, where he had been watching what was going on, with the rest of my order. He had a big smile on his face. And then he thanked me for being so kind to his abuelita Yolanda. GRANDMA Yolanda??? My god, she really is 400 years old, I thought to myself. As I gathered up my order and got up to leave, I looked at her and said "Adios, Yolanda" and she replied "Adios, amigo". Senor Alberto's jaw dropped. He told me that since abuelito got "sick" she has become very shy and rarely speaks and that in 5 minutes I had gotten her to say more than she has in the last couple of months. WOW!!! I just love it when the fates toss me a curve ball and I can still manage to hit that puppy out of the ballpark. I'm sure Yolanda had completely forgotten me before I had even made it to my car, but still, I giggled all of the way home.
I don't know how these folks manage to find me, but I just love it when they do. It feeds my soul. And makes me hope the mop and bucket brigade behind me is just as kind...
I was out running errands and found myself in the middle of a serious sugar craving so I decided to swing by my favorite Mexican pastelaria/deli for a big bag of cookies and torta to take home for Sea Squirt and I to split for lunch. BTW, a torta is a Mexican sandwich and at El Bolillo they are literally about the size of a football. I walk in the front door and Senora Rosalinda throws her arms open and greets me with "Senor Cookie Monster!!! Buenosdias!!!". She's been calling me that since December because she knows I am totally hooked on her cookies. I love her!!! Then Senor Alberto pops his head out from behind a cabinet and yells "Hola, Senor Cookie Monster!". I tell Senora that I need some cookies and a chicken torta to go. She yells back to Alberto "Torta con pollo!!! Rapido!!! Rapido!!!". Then I start hand selecting which cookies I want (it's good to be a Most Valued Customer at this place!!!), grab a Mexican Coca-Cola and start watching an episode of the Mexican version of "Ugly Betty" on the TV while I wait for my torta. All seemed right with the world. I should have seen it coming...
Within seconds she appeared from out of nowhere. And decided to befriend me. At close range. As in the chair next to me. She was no more than a meter and half in height, as wrinkled as a raison and at least 400 years old. I think she used to date Cortez. To be fair, I had seen her wondering around back in the kitchen on several earlier visits so I knew she was family somehow so I wasn't particularily frightened of her. Just to be sociable I looked at her and asked "Senora, como de nombre?" to which she replied "de nada". ??????? Now I know that my Spanish can be a bit sparce at times but I DO know that "de nada" means "you're welcome". She them picked up the paper that was lying on the table and began to read it aloud. In Spanish. Unfortunately for her, the Wisconsin State Journal is published in English. Which I would quickly discover she knew not a single word of. Then I notice Senora Rosalinda behind the counter, pointing at my table mate with one hand and making little circles around the side of her head with the index finger of her other hand. I took that mean that she was from Senor Alberto's side of the family and NOT hers. Senora Rosalinda began to come out from behind the corner in an attempt to rescue me but I stopped her by saying "Senora, es no problema." She shrugged her shoulders and happily left me to my own devices with De Nada.
Since I had some time to kill and nothing better to do I just decided to dive right in. I struck up a conversation with De Nada, using every Spanish phrase and question I could readily remember. She was very pleased that I had a red pencil box. No, she had not seen my brown valise. No, she did not know where the library was but the post office was apparently out in the parking lot somewhere. And yes, she did indeed have the shirt in both a different size AND color. I also discovered that she is as big a fan of the peanut butter cookies as I am. Oh, yeah, I had a live one on my hands here!!! A corazon de oro but a definite arterial flow problem above the shoulders. Sort of like Bernice Clifton.
Then Senor Alberto came out of the kitchen, where he had been watching what was going on, with the rest of my order. He had a big smile on his face. And then he thanked me for being so kind to his abuelita Yolanda. GRANDMA Yolanda??? My god, she really is 400 years old, I thought to myself. As I gathered up my order and got up to leave, I looked at her and said "Adios, Yolanda" and she replied "Adios, amigo". Senor Alberto's jaw dropped. He told me that since abuelito got "sick" she has become very shy and rarely speaks and that in 5 minutes I had gotten her to say more than she has in the last couple of months. WOW!!! I just love it when the fates toss me a curve ball and I can still manage to hit that puppy out of the ballpark. I'm sure Yolanda had completely forgotten me before I had even made it to my car, but still, I giggled all of the way home.
I don't know how these folks manage to find me, but I just love it when they do. It feeds my soul. And makes me hope the mop and bucket brigade behind me is just as kind...
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Once Again, It's Recipe Time!!l
Well, it's almost the middle of March, we have a batch of horny male cardinals doing their mating call outside so Spring really must be on it's way. Please, god, tell me it is. I'm sick of shoveling the car out!!! Ah, Spring... To me that means only one thing: it's time to start making Summer Drinks again. So, with that, I share one of my favorite recipes. SANGRIA BLANCA!!!
OK, I know, traditionally Sangria is made with red wine, hence the name which in Spanish means "blood". A bit vampirish for my tastes but a hell of cocktail none the less. I consume it by the pitcher full when we are in Mexico. However, I am a truly loyal fan of the white wine version of it which has the added perk of not dying all of the fruit an odd shade of purple. Not that purple is bad it just looks odd on apples and pears. BTW, Sangria has a rather strange past, it was developed as a way of using wine that was "iffy" at best and adding stuff to it to make it palatable. Waste no, want not. I love that...
So, here is what you are going to need:
2 One gallon jars with good sealing lids
4 Big limes
4 Big lemons
6 Big juice oranges
2 Cups sugar
1 Pint of white rum
4 Healthy jiggers of brandy
2 Cups of Triple Sec.
1 Five liter box of the cheapest white wine you can find. Trust me!
1 Large mixing bowl full of sliced seasonal fruits. More on that later.
3 to 4 liters of 7-Up or ginger ale. More on that later as well.
1 Hour in the kitchen getting it all prepared.
Put a cup of sugar into each container and split the juice of the first 3 ingredients equally between them. Then split the rum and brandy between them and stir them until most of sugar has dissolved. When you finally get tired of trying to get all of the sugar to dissolve (trust me, it won't) add a liter of wine to each container and keep stirring until it finally does actually dissolve. Split the rest of the box of wine equally between the two containers and stir it some more just for good measure. Then pour yourself a small glass and see what it tastes like. I usually have two just to make sure... Trust me, I know what I'm doing!!!
OK, now it's time to add the fruit. Use your imagination. I like sliced oranges, pears, plums, peaches, strawberries, some melon of some sort, whatever is one sale at the time. Any combination that strikes your fancy. Oh yeah, don't forget the apples!!! Apples are nothing more than natures little sponges that soak up alcohol faster than Bounty paper towels. Granny Smiths are my favorite. Trust me, 10 to 12 apple slices and you're pissed up to your tits in less than half an hour. After you equally divide the fruit between the two containers give them a gentle stir to mix things up a bit, some fruit sinks, some floats, get over it. Then pour one cup of the Triple Sec into each container as a floater and seal them up and put them in the fridge for at least 24 hours. This is where the good sealing lid part comes in. It allows you to lay them on their sides on the bottom shelf and just take them out and shake them every 4 to 6 hours to mix them up a bit while the flavors marry.
Now, when the crowd shows up (I did remind you to throw a party, didn't I???) pour the two containers into another LARGE container. I recommend a dedicated three and half gallon Sangria "font" with a built in pouring valve. god, I just love single use kitchen appliances!!! This would normally be where I would then add the three to four liters of pop to the thing, give it quick stir and let everyone just help themselves but I have chosen to tweak the recipe this year. Leave the pop in the pantry and add the 4 bottles of Freixenet Carta Nevada Semi Seco Sparkling Wine that you put down in the crisper drawer yesterday instead. It's a wonderful and inexpensive Spanish bubbly. Your guests will never know the difference. Hell, they won't even know their own names in about 30 minutes.
Put the "font" on the counter with a large bucket of ice, lots of 24-ounce glasses and a set of tongs so you can access the fruit (remember, those apples are REALLY good!!!) and just let your guests dive into the deep end and create their own fruit filled concoctions. Then just stand back and "laissez le bon temps rouler" as they say.
Oh yeah, one caveat, you might want to put a small sign somewhere in the vacinity that reads something to the effect of:
"The consumption of alcohol may result in dizziness, dry mouth, motor mouth, potty mouth, a punch in the mouth, uncontrollable laughter, the annoying ability to love everyone, your clothes to fall off, stupidness, "dancing", loudness, unwaivering courage, double vision, invincibility, invisiblity, spontaneous combustion and pregnancy. The owners, management and all employees of this establishment will not be held accountable for any moral, social or legal issues resulting from said consumption. In other words: GET DRUNK & FALL DOWN---DON'T BLAME US!!!
Spring is on it's way. Enjoy!!! In moderation!!! ROTFLMAO!!!
OK, I know, traditionally Sangria is made with red wine, hence the name which in Spanish means "blood". A bit vampirish for my tastes but a hell of cocktail none the less. I consume it by the pitcher full when we are in Mexico. However, I am a truly loyal fan of the white wine version of it which has the added perk of not dying all of the fruit an odd shade of purple. Not that purple is bad it just looks odd on apples and pears. BTW, Sangria has a rather strange past, it was developed as a way of using wine that was "iffy" at best and adding stuff to it to make it palatable. Waste no, want not. I love that...
So, here is what you are going to need:
2 One gallon jars with good sealing lids
4 Big limes
4 Big lemons
6 Big juice oranges
2 Cups sugar
1 Pint of white rum
4 Healthy jiggers of brandy
2 Cups of Triple Sec.
1 Five liter box of the cheapest white wine you can find. Trust me!
1 Large mixing bowl full of sliced seasonal fruits. More on that later.
3 to 4 liters of 7-Up or ginger ale. More on that later as well.
1 Hour in the kitchen getting it all prepared.
Put a cup of sugar into each container and split the juice of the first 3 ingredients equally between them. Then split the rum and brandy between them and stir them until most of sugar has dissolved. When you finally get tired of trying to get all of the sugar to dissolve (trust me, it won't) add a liter of wine to each container and keep stirring until it finally does actually dissolve. Split the rest of the box of wine equally between the two containers and stir it some more just for good measure. Then pour yourself a small glass and see what it tastes like. I usually have two just to make sure... Trust me, I know what I'm doing!!!
OK, now it's time to add the fruit. Use your imagination. I like sliced oranges, pears, plums, peaches, strawberries, some melon of some sort, whatever is one sale at the time. Any combination that strikes your fancy. Oh yeah, don't forget the apples!!! Apples are nothing more than natures little sponges that soak up alcohol faster than Bounty paper towels. Granny Smiths are my favorite. Trust me, 10 to 12 apple slices and you're pissed up to your tits in less than half an hour. After you equally divide the fruit between the two containers give them a gentle stir to mix things up a bit, some fruit sinks, some floats, get over it. Then pour one cup of the Triple Sec into each container as a floater and seal them up and put them in the fridge for at least 24 hours. This is where the good sealing lid part comes in. It allows you to lay them on their sides on the bottom shelf and just take them out and shake them every 4 to 6 hours to mix them up a bit while the flavors marry.
Now, when the crowd shows up (I did remind you to throw a party, didn't I???) pour the two containers into another LARGE container. I recommend a dedicated three and half gallon Sangria "font" with a built in pouring valve. god, I just love single use kitchen appliances!!! This would normally be where I would then add the three to four liters of pop to the thing, give it quick stir and let everyone just help themselves but I have chosen to tweak the recipe this year. Leave the pop in the pantry and add the 4 bottles of Freixenet Carta Nevada Semi Seco Sparkling Wine that you put down in the crisper drawer yesterday instead. It's a wonderful and inexpensive Spanish bubbly. Your guests will never know the difference. Hell, they won't even know their own names in about 30 minutes.
Put the "font" on the counter with a large bucket of ice, lots of 24-ounce glasses and a set of tongs so you can access the fruit (remember, those apples are REALLY good!!!) and just let your guests dive into the deep end and create their own fruit filled concoctions. Then just stand back and "laissez le bon temps rouler" as they say.
Oh yeah, one caveat, you might want to put a small sign somewhere in the vacinity that reads something to the effect of:
"The consumption of alcohol may result in dizziness, dry mouth, motor mouth, potty mouth, a punch in the mouth, uncontrollable laughter, the annoying ability to love everyone, your clothes to fall off, stupidness, "dancing", loudness, unwaivering courage, double vision, invincibility, invisiblity, spontaneous combustion and pregnancy. The owners, management and all employees of this establishment will not be held accountable for any moral, social or legal issues resulting from said consumption. In other words: GET DRUNK & FALL DOWN---DON'T BLAME US!!!
Spring is on it's way. Enjoy!!! In moderation!!! ROTFLMAO!!!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
OK, I Have No Idea Where This Is Gonna Go So Just Fasten Your Seat Belts...
This is just so deliciously twisted it hurts!!! Unless some of you have been vacationing on Mars and have missed this thing, let me fill you in...
Northwestern University, in Evanston, Illinois, one of the most priciest and pissy affluent private colleges in the solar system is now under fire from the Death Star. This story has gone so viral it's totally beyond any kind of vaccine help. I LOVE this!!!
It seems that their Sociology Department has a VERY popular class on human sexuality. So popular in fact that it is taught in lecture pits. WAY popular!!! Well, of course it's popular. We're human. We're sexual. We're primates with opposable thumbs, for chris'sake!!! Hell, you put those four things together in a recipe and you have nothing short of a train wreck. In slow motion. With Rod Serling doing a voice over. In black and white...
So... after the class has ended about 100 students hang out to watch a live demonstration of human sexuality. Where a naked woman has a "sex toy" used on her by her fiance. Sex toy??? Why, as Americans, are we afraid to use the term "dildo"??? Sex toy is totally ambiguous. Dildo is a bit more specific. But what if it wasn't a dildo? What if it was an anal "probe". Or something as strange as a "Clit-Blipper"? Hell, I don't even know what that could be... But I'm sure it makes a sound that goes "Blip! Blip! Blip!". Which has to sound just totally weird under the sheets!!! NOT to be confused with that sound that Judy, the space-chimp from "Lost In Space" made, which was "Bloop! Bloop! Bloop!". Which would have made it a a "Clit-BLOOPER". Which may have made it a totally more exciting thing, but I just don't want to know... Sorry, I am not taking that exit!!!
At this point the professor is up to his tits in shit and just waiting for the bell to ring so he can get back on his knees for the rest of the day. He is so totally boned it hurts!!! Can you say kiss your tenured ass good-bye??? This makes my seriously dry vaginal look warm, fuzzy, plump and moist!!! You know what I mean... Oh, just FMTT's!!!!
Northwestern University, in Evanston, Illinois, one of the most priciest and pissy affluent private colleges in the solar system is now under fire from the Death Star. This story has gone so viral it's totally beyond any kind of vaccine help. I LOVE this!!!
It seems that their Sociology Department has a VERY popular class on human sexuality. So popular in fact that it is taught in lecture pits. WAY popular!!! Well, of course it's popular. We're human. We're sexual. We're primates with opposable thumbs, for chris'sake!!! Hell, you put those four things together in a recipe and you have nothing short of a train wreck. In slow motion. With Rod Serling doing a voice over. In black and white...
So... after the class has ended about 100 students hang out to watch a live demonstration of human sexuality. Where a naked woman has a "sex toy" used on her by her fiance. Sex toy??? Why, as Americans, are we afraid to use the term "dildo"??? Sex toy is totally ambiguous. Dildo is a bit more specific. But what if it wasn't a dildo? What if it was an anal "probe". Or something as strange as a "Clit-Blipper"? Hell, I don't even know what that could be... But I'm sure it makes a sound that goes "Blip! Blip! Blip!". Which has to sound just totally weird under the sheets!!! NOT to be confused with that sound that Judy, the space-chimp from "Lost In Space" made, which was "Bloop! Bloop! Bloop!". Which would have made it a a "Clit-BLOOPER". Which may have made it a totally more exciting thing, but I just don't want to know... Sorry, I am not taking that exit!!!
At this point the professor is up to his tits in shit and just waiting for the bell to ring so he can get back on his knees for the rest of the day. He is so totally boned it hurts!!! Can you say kiss your tenured ass good-bye??? This makes my seriously dry vaginal look warm, fuzzy, plump and moist!!! You know what I mean... Oh, just FMTT's!!!!
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