They say that when it rains, it pours. Today was more like a monsoon in Jakarta. For the last two weeks I have been dealing with a medical condition that began on my hands and fingers, moved down to my feet and then decided to set up housekeeping on the left side of my abdomen. It looks like a weird cross between a bad scald, fever blisters and an allergic reaction. My skin has been peeling off in sheets. Not pretty. Yesterday I reached my breaking point. This has got to stop!!! So I ring up the UW Dermatology Clinic and happily was able to snag a just canceled appointment for today. AMAZING!!!
So, I'm up there this afternoon getting looked at. I had a nurse, a resident, a medical student and an actual doctor at my disposal. BTW, both the resident and the doctor recognized me from the medical school, "Hey, aren't you the guy who rescues Basset Hounds and goes to Mexico???" Apparently I leave an impression... Anyway, after some slicing, dicing, scraping and a microscope it was determined that I have one of the most advanced fungal infections they have ever seen. Of, course, I asked if I got a prize of some sort. I will be starting a 4 week regimen of anti-fungal topical ointment along with a 6 week regimen of the most powerful oral anti-fungal in the known universe that is prone to turn my liver into something akin to a bowling ball. Lovely...
Then the fun really started. I spent an hour having every square inch of my body being examined with a magnifying glass. And I do mean EVERY SQUARE INCH!!! It was just "standard procedure to get a baseline". Thank god I'm not shy. At one point the doctor actually asked "How long have you spent baking on the beach???" I am officially hyper-pigmented, discolored and parched. Then they got to my face, weathered old thing that it is. They freaked. They quickly noticed the nickel sized precancerous lesion on my nose that was probably going to go full blown cancer in a couple of months and the other apple seed sized lesion under my right eye that would probably do the same in about a year. Ooops!!! What can I say, I use to tan as a toddler. I got the whole sun screen lecture, the broad brimmed hat lecture and the tanning booth lecture. If it weren't for the simple fact that I am me, I would have felt ashamed. Then they informed me that they could take care of those two things right there in the exam room in about two minutes. ??? You're kidding me, right??? Next thing I know, I'm flat on my back with a doctor hovering over me with a propellant can of liquid nitrogen. Hold it!!! That shit is cold!!! REALLY COLD!!! Minus 320 degrees COLD!!! Can you say cryosurgery??? When the doctor was finished he calmly looked at me and said, "Oh, just so you know, those areas are going to blister over pretty badly before they heal." WTF??? By the time I got home, the area under my eye had swollen up the size of a dime and the left side of my nose looks like Karl Malden's. And they both hurt like a SON OF A BITCH!!! He also told me that while the surgery heals I need to stay out of the sun (it's summer, you idiot) and slather my face with SPF 3,000,000 or the sun exposure could harm the new replacement skin cells causing them to loose pigmentation and lead to some discoloring to the treated areas. Hold it, I'm already OVER pigmented AND discolored!!! I already look like a plaid checkerboard. Who's gonna notice??? Ahh, such is the price of beauty...
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