OK, as you all well know, shopping is like mother's milk to me. Hell, I'll buy shit I don't even want just to keep other people from having it. Yes, I know, it's a sickness. I just hope that they never find a cure for it.
So, today I decided to go out grocery shopping at my favorite store, Woodman's. What can I say, you just gotta love a grocery store that's big enough to park a 747-800 in. I got lost in Woodman's once. They had to send out a search party with dogs to find me. They eventually located me in the ethnic aisle. Perusing the menorah candles and wondering why the kosher ones cost more. Anyway...
I was happily pondering the produce and pinching the peppers when I spy this smoking caliente little Mexican baby-daddy over by the nopalitos and was immediately smitten. He was gorgeous!!! He was swarthy, furry and built like a brick banos. Hell, he had eyes I would have sold secrets to the Russians for! SERIOUS papilito!!! Needless to say, I stalked him throughout the entire store. But I digress...
I finished off my shopping list in the pop section and was mindlessly grabbing 2-litres of Diet Pepsi off of the top shelf and tossing them into the cart when two of them decided to give up the ghost, so to speak. All of a sudden hairline cracks broke open on them and they start squirting out pop like a race horse that hasn't peed in three days. Geyser-esque is the term that comes to mind. Well, I yanked the damned things out of my cart before they could soak everything. OK, so now what, I thought to myself. There I stood, a bottle of Pepsi in each hand as they both sprayed out in opposite directions. What do I do next? Why, go brain dead, of course. I just stood there in the middle of the aisle, spinning in a circle like Blanche Hudson locked in the attic as I silently prayed for some sort of absolution to this cluster fuck. Before I realized what I had done I had not only managed to completely cover a toddler in the cart behind me with Pepsi but everything in that cart and his mother as well. I'm dripping with Pepsi. Both of our carts are dripping with Pepsi. Both sides of the aisle are dripping with Pepsi. A cascade of Pepsi is dripping off of the shelves. I'm standing in a puddle of Pepsi. The mother has a look on her face like she just found a turd in her purse. As Pepsi drips off of her nose. And then I take a look at the toddler. He's about half way into one of those 45-second inhales that can only result in one of those glass shattering shrieks that only a toddler is capable of making. You know that sound I mean. The one that starts out merely cruel and unusual and instantly shoots up to a frequency that only dogs can hear. I gotta tell ya, that little dude did his age group proud. Holy shit, the sound that came out of that little fucker was mind boggling!!! Oops, my bad...
I had no choice but to exercise my only option at that point. I dropped the now pretty much empty bottles onto the floor and sloshed my way over to the nearest check-out lane for some assistance. The clerk looks up and sees me standing there, dripping with Pepsi, and her mouth drops open. Trying to make the best of a soggy situation I just looked at her casually and said "You might want to call for maintenance, I think you're in need of a wet spill clean up in Aisle W." She grabbed the intercom phone with one hand and gave me a roll of paper towels with the other. "Thank you," I said, "I'm sure that the mother over there with the turd in her purse is going to want to dry off her kid before he hardens." And then I started giggling. And Pepsi came out of my nose. What can I say? Pretty, pretty princess...
Now, just to get some closure on this nightmare I decided to check out at the aisle with the clerk that had called for the clean up. If for no other reason that to give her back what was left of her roll of paper towels. All of about 3 sheets worth. All of which were brown, wet and sticky. But at least they were sugar free and decaffeinated. She was less than amused. Especially since she needed to dry off everything in my cart before she could run it over the scanner. And of course, I'm still kind of dripping Pepsi. As I was loading my car I started attracting insects from as far away as the airport. By the time I finally got my trunk all loaded up I looked like a two week old fly strip from Indonesia, for chris'sakes!!! I swear, a couple of more flies and I could have been airborne.
It's enough to put me off of shopping. Well, maybe not...
