This morning I woke up about an hour earlier than anyone in their right mind should and started rummaging through the kitchen. First, the refrigerator. Then the pantry. And once again, back to the refrigerator. All to no avail. I had a craving for something. Big time. As my first schooner of coffee began to kick in it finally hit me. I wanted bulgogi. Yes, bulgogi. And I wanted it NOW!!! And lots of it too!!! FYI, bulgogi is not normally eaten for breakfast. Yes, it can be but you'd better be REALLY hungover or at Madame Lee's street stall in the alley two blocks behind the Imperial Hotel in Seoul, Korea. She starts serving at 6:00 AM and her version will rock your world. Trust me, been there, done that...
Again, out of nowhere, I am craving bulgogi. OMG, this stuff rocks and I want it so bad I would sell secrets to the Russians at this point. I think the last time I had bulgogi was about 18 years ago in Portland. I managed to discover a wonderful little hole in the wall place that did this stuff proud. I was a regular and as soon as she saw me walk through the door Mrs. Kim would start whipping up a batch for me. She was 5 feet tall, snow white headed, smoked like a chimney and had a laugh that could shatter glass. I loved her!!!
I first had bulgogi back in the fall of 1988 while I was in Korea on vacation. First at Madame Lee's, totally be accident, which got me hooked. For the next two weeks I ordered it every time time I saw it on a menu. I quickly realized that their is no such thing as "a" bulgogi recipe. Every time I ordered it, it was delicious but different. From street stall to 5 Star restaurant this stuff went through a palette of changes that boggled my mind. Up scale, down scale, back alley or street corner this stuff was addicting but always somehow a bit different on every encounter. Madame Lee handed me mine wrapped in wax paper and sent me off to happily eat it while sitting on the curb. The South Gate restaurant at the Imperial Hotel served it with 20 different add ons, sides and dipping sauces to accompany it. I was in heaven for two weeks!!! Now, granted, I did start to smell a bit funny. Bulgogi tends to leach out of your pores after awhile. Ahh, the power of bulgogi...
So, you ask, what is bulgogi? It is a culinary masterpiece. Perfection on a plate in my opinion. Bulgogi is incredibly thinly sliced sirloin that is marinated overnight in a mix of soy sauce, sugar, fresh ginger, a bit of allspice, sesame oil, garlic, some squid ink, dried sea weed, scallions and shitake mushrooms. It is then grilled with onions and bell peppers and served with whole leaves of butter lettuce to wrap it up in with fermented bean paste, kim chee, seasoned tofu, fish paste, oyster sauce, cellaphane noodles, marinated veggies (Korean salsa), you name it. A little marinated squid paste is always welcome. Then you go crazy with a variety of dipping sauces that range from mild to are you out of your fucking mind!!! My favorite has always been the one that can only be described as guacamole colored peanut butter that could probably etch Italian marble. They have a chili pepper in Korea that is deadly and it has made me a stronger man than I ever thought was possible. It makes a habenero taste as bland as an apple. Oh yeah, those things are FUN!!!
Madison has ONE Korean restaurant and it sucks rocks. They have been forced to Americanize everything on the menu just to get 'sconsinite's to eat there. Can you say "Taco Bell"? A friend of mine once described their Yuk Gae Jang soup as being just as good as Campbell's Beef & Noodle. WTF??? Yuk Gae Jang is supposed to be so firey hot that it will pit the bowl it's served in and make the spoon scream. I have yet to enter the establishment.
My mouth has long been a petri dish for culinary onslaughts and mishaps. If I've never had it, I will try it. If I can't pronounce it, I will order it. If I'm in an alley in a Third World country at midnight, I will order a second one just to have another one on hand for breakfast the next morning. If it has more than two eyes, four legs and "feelers" I will probably ask if I can get it beer battered and deep fried. Hell, there's nothing that vodka can't make taste a little bit better in my opinion. Or a six-pack of Cafri, a rather refreshing Korean rice based beer. Especially at 9:00 AM.
Sea Squirt, you are in for the surprise of your life tomorrow morning. It's bulgogi for breakfast!!! I just know that he is going to call Family Services on me... Happy dance!!!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Tuna...
Oh god, this stuff just sucks ass!!! Over the last 4 decades I have put the weirdest shit imaginable in my mouth... Cat. Black dog. Snake. Field rat. Bulgogi. Kim Chee. Botany Bay "Bugs". Hell, I've even eaten a reptile in Taiwan that I am still unable to pronounce. But then there is tuna. OMG, I would rather eat shit and die!!! Whether it be cheap shit, oil packed, water packed, steaks, whole white or whatever... it just sucks!!! IT'S FUCKING TUNA!!!
YUCK!!!
I will eat just about anything you can drag out of the ocean but tuna is NOT one of them. It's totally rank. Sea Squirt, on the other hand, loves the stuff. He makes me make him tuna salad. I want to kill him. REALLY dead!!! REALLY DEAD!!!
OMG, I hate tuna!!! YUCK!!! I would rather eat shit and die. Y'know why? Long story real short... Between the age of 13 and 15 I was one large pimple. I got sent to the dermatologist from hell. He put me on a diet from hell. No red meat, nothing deep fried, no oil and nothing even remotely having a face. I was in hell... TUNA!!! Fuck me!!! Eventually my face cleared up. I was in heaven. I decided to celebrate my new found freedom. So I stole my mothers car keys and drove her Chrysler Imperial LeBaron to the closest Dog 'n Suds I could find. What did I order? A double bacon cheeseburger, a coney dog, chili fries and a chocolate malt. OK, maybe I should have known better... Ten minutes later I'm hanging out of the car door and puking my asshole out in the parking lot. NOT PRETTY!!! But it wasn't tuna!!!
Jump ahead a couple of decades. I'm on vacation in Seoul, Korea and staying at a really pissy hotel. One of the restaurants there had white albacore tuna steaks on the menu for $120 a pop. I decided what the hell, lets try the good stuff. After a week in Seoul I had been introduced to bulgogi, kim chee and this weird brown gooey stuff that sort of had the consistency of mud. BTW, all of which I loved. So, it was tuna time in my mind. SERIOUS mistake. I barely made it to the elevator before I puked all over the buttons. Again, not pretty... I was so freaking embarrassed I would have rather shot tapioco out of my ass!!!
Who the fuck actually eats this shit??? It's cat food!!! Which may help to explain why litter boxes smell (and look) the way they do!!! And why I hate cats!!!
Tuna. YUCK!!!
YUCK!!!
I will eat just about anything you can drag out of the ocean but tuna is NOT one of them. It's totally rank. Sea Squirt, on the other hand, loves the stuff. He makes me make him tuna salad. I want to kill him. REALLY dead!!! REALLY DEAD!!!
OMG, I hate tuna!!! YUCK!!! I would rather eat shit and die. Y'know why? Long story real short... Between the age of 13 and 15 I was one large pimple. I got sent to the dermatologist from hell. He put me on a diet from hell. No red meat, nothing deep fried, no oil and nothing even remotely having a face. I was in hell... TUNA!!! Fuck me!!! Eventually my face cleared up. I was in heaven. I decided to celebrate my new found freedom. So I stole my mothers car keys and drove her Chrysler Imperial LeBaron to the closest Dog 'n Suds I could find. What did I order? A double bacon cheeseburger, a coney dog, chili fries and a chocolate malt. OK, maybe I should have known better... Ten minutes later I'm hanging out of the car door and puking my asshole out in the parking lot. NOT PRETTY!!! But it wasn't tuna!!!
Jump ahead a couple of decades. I'm on vacation in Seoul, Korea and staying at a really pissy hotel. One of the restaurants there had white albacore tuna steaks on the menu for $120 a pop. I decided what the hell, lets try the good stuff. After a week in Seoul I had been introduced to bulgogi, kim chee and this weird brown gooey stuff that sort of had the consistency of mud. BTW, all of which I loved. So, it was tuna time in my mind. SERIOUS mistake. I barely made it to the elevator before I puked all over the buttons. Again, not pretty... I was so freaking embarrassed I would have rather shot tapioco out of my ass!!!
Who the fuck actually eats this shit??? It's cat food!!! Which may help to explain why litter boxes smell (and look) the way they do!!! And why I hate cats!!!
Tuna. YUCK!!!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Life Is SO Unfair It Hurts!!!
I consider myself blessed. I have had the great opportunity of having the most deliciously twisted and fun people on the planet take my exit. I have partied with weirdness, befriended folks WAY stranger than me (yeah, imagine that) and witnessed some of the most entertaining public displays of insanity imaginable. C'mon, you know me. I'm talking about a moveble feast of craziness here. I have also had the sad duty of saying goodbye to way to many of them way to early...
His real name is Grant but I know him much more intimately as "Mama Dolores". For years he owned "Mama Dolores' Diner" at the top of the hill on Calle Olas Altas in Vallarta. Our first encounter was stupendous. It was a Thursday so it was "Thanksgiving Dinner Night" and Mama was in full waitress regalia. She grabbed me off of the sidewalk, tossed me at an outside table and barked "Your margarita is almost ready, what do you want, white or dark meat???". My god, I was entranced, overwhelmed and smitten with her ballsiness. I willingly let her reel me in like a walleye. By the end of the evening we had become BFF. Over the years I got to know Grant. He was cynical, abrasive, verbally abusive and a great drinking buddy. Mama was worse. MUCH worse. And in that good way that I like... Some of you may recall that I wrote Mama's bio for the restaurant website. He laughed so hard it took him 3 days to email me back a thank you. I was touched by "her" approval.
When I introduced Sea Squirt to Mama seven years ago she hit him like a tsunami. He was deer in head lights and she was in rare form. She knew if someone could put up with me then they could probably withstand her onslaught. Their connection was immediate. I giggled. Sea Squirt had no idea what he was in for. But still, he loved the abuse...
Three years ago Grant sold "Mama's" and moved onto a new venture on the beach by the Blue Chairs. It was fabulousity incarnate. He was so into that place it hurt. It became his mainstay for charity bingo and wine tasting nights. The menu was totally Grant, i.e., tasty as hell, fun and somewhat twisted. Sea Squirt and I loved it!!! The menus of both venues are proudly displayed on our kitchen wall.
And then, out of nowhere, Grant was gone from Vallarta and back up in Toronto after more than 15 years in Mexico. WTF??? He and his longterm partner has split up and he was doing the 40 hour work week thing in Canada again. I just can't imagine him with a desk job. In my mind all I could see was someone trying to put a tutu on an alligator.
Late last fall on Facebook we learned that Grant had just been diagnosed with cancer and was starting chemo immediately. Since then he has been reserved in his postings. Oh god, the big "C". I cannot imagine. Two days ago he posted that he was leaving the hospital and going to a hospice. I know all too well what that means. Later that day while Sea Squirt was gone I broke down. I cried. I looked through pictures. I read her bio again. Then I cried some more.
Sea Squirt contacted a mutual friend of all of ours in Vallarta, who is now up in Toronto helping to care for him and asked the ultimate question. Grant has 3 months at most. Three months??? Three months!!! WTF??? Grant, you are the last remaining wild card in my deck. I love you. I treasure you and your blatant hostility and bitchiness. You onerey old SOB, I treasure you!!! You have always warmed what is left of my heart. I will never let you go!!!
And I thought I had problems...
THIS JUST SUCKS ASS!!!
Travel safe and cut me a path through the jungle ahead of you. My meanness will follow you... Giggling and hacking through the underbrush. 'Til we me again, happy trails to you... Adios, mi amigo!!!
His real name is Grant but I know him much more intimately as "Mama Dolores". For years he owned "Mama Dolores' Diner" at the top of the hill on Calle Olas Altas in Vallarta. Our first encounter was stupendous. It was a Thursday so it was "Thanksgiving Dinner Night" and Mama was in full waitress regalia. She grabbed me off of the sidewalk, tossed me at an outside table and barked "Your margarita is almost ready, what do you want, white or dark meat???". My god, I was entranced, overwhelmed and smitten with her ballsiness. I willingly let her reel me in like a walleye. By the end of the evening we had become BFF. Over the years I got to know Grant. He was cynical, abrasive, verbally abusive and a great drinking buddy. Mama was worse. MUCH worse. And in that good way that I like... Some of you may recall that I wrote Mama's bio for the restaurant website. He laughed so hard it took him 3 days to email me back a thank you. I was touched by "her" approval.
When I introduced Sea Squirt to Mama seven years ago she hit him like a tsunami. He was deer in head lights and she was in rare form. She knew if someone could put up with me then they could probably withstand her onslaught. Their connection was immediate. I giggled. Sea Squirt had no idea what he was in for. But still, he loved the abuse...
Three years ago Grant sold "Mama's" and moved onto a new venture on the beach by the Blue Chairs. It was fabulousity incarnate. He was so into that place it hurt. It became his mainstay for charity bingo and wine tasting nights. The menu was totally Grant, i.e., tasty as hell, fun and somewhat twisted. Sea Squirt and I loved it!!! The menus of both venues are proudly displayed on our kitchen wall.
And then, out of nowhere, Grant was gone from Vallarta and back up in Toronto after more than 15 years in Mexico. WTF??? He and his longterm partner has split up and he was doing the 40 hour work week thing in Canada again. I just can't imagine him with a desk job. In my mind all I could see was someone trying to put a tutu on an alligator.
Late last fall on Facebook we learned that Grant had just been diagnosed with cancer and was starting chemo immediately. Since then he has been reserved in his postings. Oh god, the big "C". I cannot imagine. Two days ago he posted that he was leaving the hospital and going to a hospice. I know all too well what that means. Later that day while Sea Squirt was gone I broke down. I cried. I looked through pictures. I read her bio again. Then I cried some more.
Sea Squirt contacted a mutual friend of all of ours in Vallarta, who is now up in Toronto helping to care for him and asked the ultimate question. Grant has 3 months at most. Three months??? Three months!!! WTF??? Grant, you are the last remaining wild card in my deck. I love you. I treasure you and your blatant hostility and bitchiness. You onerey old SOB, I treasure you!!! You have always warmed what is left of my heart. I will never let you go!!!
And I thought I had problems...
THIS JUST SUCKS ASS!!!
Travel safe and cut me a path through the jungle ahead of you. My meanness will follow you... Giggling and hacking through the underbrush. 'Til we me again, happy trails to you... Adios, mi amigo!!!
Friday, June 24, 2011
I Am Now In A Lovely Suite Just Past the 8th Gate Of Hell!!!
The only saving grace is that it has a view and a private dipping pool. The burning on my face is "lessening" a "bit" but I now it now looks like I have rug burn from a really fun gay orgy. As the face down bottom. Oh well...
Today I picked up two new prescriptions. An anti-fungal cream for my feet that is forcing me to wear socks. AAAUUGGHHH!!!! My hands are a whole other ball of wax. They are now marinating in a corticosteroid ointment that has the consistency of Vaseline, i.e., does NOT absorb!!! And it comes with wonderful warnings like: can cause liver failure, do not touch other parts of your body (OK, these are my hands and my body. Think about it!!!) and avoid contact with your face (is that actually possible???). Not only am I now capable of flunking a steroid abuse test, so are lots of things in the apartment. The stereo, my keyboard, the mouse, all of the door knobs, most of the remotes, some furniture and the phone. Thank god, none of them are in the Olympics!!! Two hours ago my third nipple began lactating wildly. Fortunately I have already managed to get rid of over a gallon of it on eBay and Craig's List so far... I am like a kitten in mittens at the moment. I am quickly learning how to use my elbows, knees and an errant sock to "function". On the upside, Sea Squirt gets to make dinner for the next month, on the down side I know now what a paraplegic goes through.
This just totally SUCKS ASS!!! BIG TIME!!! I used to think that doing Cipro to treat Lyme Disease was the worst thing I have ever been through. I have a whole new perspective now. I would rather eat shit and date a Roman Catholic at this point!!! Right now, giving the Pope a rim job would be a welcome alternative!!! OK, TMI... From my eyeballs to my toe nails I am screwed at the moment. At this point, that weekend my head exploded and I ended up in a neurosurgery ICU is starting to look like a pleasant memory. Hell, almost a welcome one!!! I just want to pick something up with my bare hands!!! Or at the very least regain the use of my opposable thumbs again. Although, I have to say, I do kind of like my sock puppet thing. I have named him "Judy". Don't ask...
Since tomorrow is predicted to be perfect grilling weather I bought a couple of pounds of boneless pork ribs, some chicken and a couple of sweet potatoes on my way to the pharmacy. Can't imagine how I am going to pull this one off. I am sure that Sea Squirt will have it uploaded on YouTube by tomorrow evening. Just Google "bbq, grilling, guy with the pencil in his mouth and 911". I know it will be there...
Oh god, just shoot me...
Today I picked up two new prescriptions. An anti-fungal cream for my feet that is forcing me to wear socks. AAAUUGGHHH!!!! My hands are a whole other ball of wax. They are now marinating in a corticosteroid ointment that has the consistency of Vaseline, i.e., does NOT absorb!!! And it comes with wonderful warnings like: can cause liver failure, do not touch other parts of your body (OK, these are my hands and my body. Think about it!!!) and avoid contact with your face (is that actually possible???). Not only am I now capable of flunking a steroid abuse test, so are lots of things in the apartment. The stereo, my keyboard, the mouse, all of the door knobs, most of the remotes, some furniture and the phone. Thank god, none of them are in the Olympics!!! Two hours ago my third nipple began lactating wildly. Fortunately I have already managed to get rid of over a gallon of it on eBay and Craig's List so far... I am like a kitten in mittens at the moment. I am quickly learning how to use my elbows, knees and an errant sock to "function". On the upside, Sea Squirt gets to make dinner for the next month, on the down side I know now what a paraplegic goes through.
This just totally SUCKS ASS!!! BIG TIME!!! I used to think that doing Cipro to treat Lyme Disease was the worst thing I have ever been through. I have a whole new perspective now. I would rather eat shit and date a Roman Catholic at this point!!! Right now, giving the Pope a rim job would be a welcome alternative!!! OK, TMI... From my eyeballs to my toe nails I am screwed at the moment. At this point, that weekend my head exploded and I ended up in a neurosurgery ICU is starting to look like a pleasant memory. Hell, almost a welcome one!!! I just want to pick something up with my bare hands!!! Or at the very least regain the use of my opposable thumbs again. Although, I have to say, I do kind of like my sock puppet thing. I have named him "Judy". Don't ask...
Since tomorrow is predicted to be perfect grilling weather I bought a couple of pounds of boneless pork ribs, some chicken and a couple of sweet potatoes on my way to the pharmacy. Can't imagine how I am going to pull this one off. I am sure that Sea Squirt will have it uploaded on YouTube by tomorrow evening. Just Google "bbq, grilling, guy with the pencil in his mouth and 911". I know it will be there...
Oh god, just shoot me...
I Live For Weekends!!!
Last Friday five of us decided to get together for a very informal and catty potluck in the backyard. Me and Sea Squirt, our favorite lesbianated couple and a recently divorced homo. Beer, booze, bbq and bitchiness. What can be more fun than that??? It was cheese and crackers, beer, nachos grande, booze, chicken wings and bongs. Hell, we were so loud the airport actually had to change the final landing approach just to keep from disrupting the passengers. Oh, yeah, a whole lot of "F-bombs" that night.
We were celebrating a birthday (I have no idea who's), a first time formal speaking engagement, the touching of an actual-factual Congresswoman earlier in the day (strange but true), a train and worm (???), a new iPod, the group trashing of an ex and locking ourselves out of the house. Needless to say, a good time was had by all. How any of us made it home safely is beyond me, especially the lesbianated hostess's with the mostess's. And we were in their backyard!!! We love them more than we love our luggage!!! It's true!!!
Pictures have been showing up in our email. OMG, how lit were we all that night??? Sea Squirt and I look like Helena Handbasket, another one of us is apparently engaged to a box of crackers and the dog is is so embarrassed he is actually holding a gun to his head and begging for release from the madness. In one picture you can actually see a passenger in a plane with a window seat giving us all the finger. "Adults" should never be allowed to gather in groups without a sober guardian equipped with a cattle prod, a Tazer and a "Naughty Chair" to tie us into. Ah, summer, I love it...
We were celebrating a birthday (I have no idea who's), a first time formal speaking engagement, the touching of an actual-factual Congresswoman earlier in the day (strange but true), a train and worm (???), a new iPod, the group trashing of an ex and locking ourselves out of the house. Needless to say, a good time was had by all. How any of us made it home safely is beyond me, especially the lesbianated hostess's with the mostess's. And we were in their backyard!!! We love them more than we love our luggage!!! It's true!!!
Pictures have been showing up in our email. OMG, how lit were we all that night??? Sea Squirt and I look like Helena Handbasket, another one of us is apparently engaged to a box of crackers and the dog is is so embarrassed he is actually holding a gun to his head and begging for release from the madness. In one picture you can actually see a passenger in a plane with a window seat giving us all the finger. "Adults" should never be allowed to gather in groups without a sober guardian equipped with a cattle prod, a Tazer and a "Naughty Chair" to tie us into. Ah, summer, I love it...
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
I AM IN PAIN!!!
They say that when it rains, it pours. Today was more like a monsoon in Jakarta. For the last two weeks I have been dealing with a medical condition that began on my hands and fingers, moved down to my feet and then decided to set up housekeeping on the left side of my abdomen. It looks like a weird cross between a bad scald, fever blisters and an allergic reaction. My skin has been peeling off in sheets. Not pretty. Yesterday I reached my breaking point. This has got to stop!!! So I ring up the UW Dermatology Clinic and happily was able to snag a just canceled appointment for today. AMAZING!!!
So, I'm up there this afternoon getting looked at. I had a nurse, a resident, a medical student and an actual doctor at my disposal. BTW, both the resident and the doctor recognized me from the medical school, "Hey, aren't you the guy who rescues Basset Hounds and goes to Mexico???" Apparently I leave an impression... Anyway, after some slicing, dicing, scraping and a microscope it was determined that I have one of the most advanced fungal infections they have ever seen. Of, course, I asked if I got a prize of some sort. I will be starting a 4 week regimen of anti-fungal topical ointment along with a 6 week regimen of the most powerful oral anti-fungal in the known universe that is prone to turn my liver into something akin to a bowling ball. Lovely...
Then the fun really started. I spent an hour having every square inch of my body being examined with a magnifying glass. And I do mean EVERY SQUARE INCH!!! It was just "standard procedure to get a baseline". Thank god I'm not shy. At one point the doctor actually asked "How long have you spent baking on the beach???" I am officially hyper-pigmented, discolored and parched. Then they got to my face, weathered old thing that it is. They freaked. They quickly noticed the nickel sized precancerous lesion on my nose that was probably going to go full blown cancer in a couple of months and the other apple seed sized lesion under my right eye that would probably do the same in about a year. Ooops!!! What can I say, I use to tan as a toddler. I got the whole sun screen lecture, the broad brimmed hat lecture and the tanning booth lecture. If it weren't for the simple fact that I am me, I would have felt ashamed. Then they informed me that they could take care of those two things right there in the exam room in about two minutes. ??? You're kidding me, right??? Next thing I know, I'm flat on my back with a doctor hovering over me with a propellant can of liquid nitrogen. Hold it!!! That shit is cold!!! REALLY COLD!!! Minus 320 degrees COLD!!! Can you say cryosurgery??? When the doctor was finished he calmly looked at me and said, "Oh, just so you know, those areas are going to blister over pretty badly before they heal." WTF??? By the time I got home, the area under my eye had swollen up the size of a dime and the left side of my nose looks like Karl Malden's. And they both hurt like a SON OF A BITCH!!! He also told me that while the surgery heals I need to stay out of the sun (it's summer, you idiot) and slather my face with SPF 3,000,000 or the sun exposure could harm the new replacement skin cells causing them to loose pigmentation and lead to some discoloring to the treated areas. Hold it, I'm already OVER pigmented AND discolored!!! I already look like a plaid checkerboard. Who's gonna notice??? Ahh, such is the price of beauty...
So, I'm up there this afternoon getting looked at. I had a nurse, a resident, a medical student and an actual doctor at my disposal. BTW, both the resident and the doctor recognized me from the medical school, "Hey, aren't you the guy who rescues Basset Hounds and goes to Mexico???" Apparently I leave an impression... Anyway, after some slicing, dicing, scraping and a microscope it was determined that I have one of the most advanced fungal infections they have ever seen. Of, course, I asked if I got a prize of some sort. I will be starting a 4 week regimen of anti-fungal topical ointment along with a 6 week regimen of the most powerful oral anti-fungal in the known universe that is prone to turn my liver into something akin to a bowling ball. Lovely...
Then the fun really started. I spent an hour having every square inch of my body being examined with a magnifying glass. And I do mean EVERY SQUARE INCH!!! It was just "standard procedure to get a baseline". Thank god I'm not shy. At one point the doctor actually asked "How long have you spent baking on the beach???" I am officially hyper-pigmented, discolored and parched. Then they got to my face, weathered old thing that it is. They freaked. They quickly noticed the nickel sized precancerous lesion on my nose that was probably going to go full blown cancer in a couple of months and the other apple seed sized lesion under my right eye that would probably do the same in about a year. Ooops!!! What can I say, I use to tan as a toddler. I got the whole sun screen lecture, the broad brimmed hat lecture and the tanning booth lecture. If it weren't for the simple fact that I am me, I would have felt ashamed. Then they informed me that they could take care of those two things right there in the exam room in about two minutes. ??? You're kidding me, right??? Next thing I know, I'm flat on my back with a doctor hovering over me with a propellant can of liquid nitrogen. Hold it!!! That shit is cold!!! REALLY COLD!!! Minus 320 degrees COLD!!! Can you say cryosurgery??? When the doctor was finished he calmly looked at me and said, "Oh, just so you know, those areas are going to blister over pretty badly before they heal." WTF??? By the time I got home, the area under my eye had swollen up the size of a dime and the left side of my nose looks like Karl Malden's. And they both hurt like a SON OF A BITCH!!! He also told me that while the surgery heals I need to stay out of the sun (it's summer, you idiot) and slather my face with SPF 3,000,000 or the sun exposure could harm the new replacement skin cells causing them to loose pigmentation and lead to some discoloring to the treated areas. Hold it, I'm already OVER pigmented AND discolored!!! I already look like a plaid checkerboard. Who's gonna notice??? Ahh, such is the price of beauty...
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
OMG, I'm In Heaven.
Neither of which I believe in, BTW. This is just too good to be true. This is like County Fair Double-Wide Delight come to life. Get ready for this... would you believe deep-fried Kool-Aid???
Now, you all know that I just LOVE anything deep-fried. Snicker's bars. Twinkie's. Waffle's. Sticks of butter. Bacon with chocolate as a "dipping" sauce. M&M peanuts (yeah, a little hard to beer batter). Rice Krispy treats. Macaroni and cheese. Hell, I even deep-fried a honeydew melon once. The explosion was awe inspiring. But Kool-Aid??? Nothing in my book says more fun than a vat of hot, bubbling oil and a fruit flavored liquid. Especially when it is served on a stick next to the Tilt-a-Whirl outside of the Livestock Pavilion. Read and enjoy...
3 eggs
2 cups of milk
1/4 cup of sugar
3 2/3 cups of flour
1/2 teaspoon of salt
1/4 cup cherry Kool-Aid powder
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 deep fryer
Beat the eggs and sugar together in a mixing bowl. Slowly add the milk while beating slowly. Add all of the dry ingredients and beat until the mixture is creamy. The mixture should be bright pink in color. Add more Kool-Aid powder as desired.
Drop large dumpling sized spoonfuls of the batter into hot oil and cook for 3-4 minutes. Remove when the batter is golden brown and crispy. Insert stick.
Optional: If desired, the deep fried batter can be rolled in a mixture of cherry Kool-Aid powder and powdered sugar after it is fried. Use about 1/4 cup of Kool-Aid and 1/2 cup of powdered sugar. Have 911 on speed dial and have some insulin on hand just in case while you wait for the ambulance to show up.
This beats the sheep shearing demonstration HANDS DOWN!!!
Now, you all know that I just LOVE anything deep-fried. Snicker's bars. Twinkie's. Waffle's. Sticks of butter. Bacon with chocolate as a "dipping" sauce. M&M peanuts (yeah, a little hard to beer batter). Rice Krispy treats. Macaroni and cheese. Hell, I even deep-fried a honeydew melon once. The explosion was awe inspiring. But Kool-Aid??? Nothing in my book says more fun than a vat of hot, bubbling oil and a fruit flavored liquid. Especially when it is served on a stick next to the Tilt-a-Whirl outside of the Livestock Pavilion. Read and enjoy...
3 eggs
2 cups of milk
1/4 cup of sugar
3 2/3 cups of flour
1/2 teaspoon of salt
1/4 cup cherry Kool-Aid powder
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 deep fryer
Beat the eggs and sugar together in a mixing bowl. Slowly add the milk while beating slowly. Add all of the dry ingredients and beat until the mixture is creamy. The mixture should be bright pink in color. Add more Kool-Aid powder as desired.
Drop large dumpling sized spoonfuls of the batter into hot oil and cook for 3-4 minutes. Remove when the batter is golden brown and crispy. Insert stick.
Optional: If desired, the deep fried batter can be rolled in a mixture of cherry Kool-Aid powder and powdered sugar after it is fried. Use about 1/4 cup of Kool-Aid and 1/2 cup of powdered sugar. Have 911 on speed dial and have some insulin on hand just in case while you wait for the ambulance to show up.
This beats the sheep shearing demonstration HANDS DOWN!!!
Monday, June 13, 2011
Once Upon A Time, I Was Normal...
Oh, just stop laughing, you bitches!!! The vast majority of you out there have only known be for about 18 years. I am soon to be 58. Do the math. I've got FOUR DECADES of stuff under my belt that you know nothing about. Thank god...
My 20's and 30's are my own private delirium. Hell, I barely remember them myself so I know I had lots of fun. Maybe too much. Is there such a thing??? I don't think so. I survived college, I traveled the world like an escaped convict, I ran a couple of businesses, I slept with WAY too many strangers, I got upgraded to First Class a few times, I joined the Mile High Club on several occasions, I did enough drugs to put Timothy Leary to shame and I was known to masturbate in cemeteries (but never got caught). Oh, just bite me!!! I was young, pretty, very stoned and really just didn't give a shit. Remember your 20's and 30's??? OK, then, just put that rock down!!! What can I say, I was in my prime and the world was my oyster. So I shucked it, sucked it down with a little hot sauce and never looked back.
Birth to 20 was a WHOLE different circus ring though. All of my relatives are from the south. That taught me patience, despair, humor and a love of deep fryers. Were it not for grandma Flossie and great-grandma Emma I would have hung myself decades ago. I spent lots of summers in the south with them, catching a mayonnaise jar full of "lightening bugs" just so I could let them loose in the house. I loved it, they were somewhat less approving. But yet, they still gave me "Fizzie's" and cookies. It was heaven!!! Balsa airplanes from Jesse George's General Store, Oreo's with chocolate milk and painting poor cousin Bruce. BTW, I pronounce that canvas "test-a-CLEEZ". I'm Southern don't y'know.
I remember "swimmin' holes" that were FULL of snakes, home made ice cream at the family reunions (hand cranked BTW. That term has a whole different connotation to me today...) the glider on the front porch, running down into the back yard to watch the noon express train catch the "mail bag", grandpa Guy spitting some chew into a "tin" can and rain barrels. I had more cousins than I could club to death over a long weekend. Lord, we were a rabid bunch of unkept rebels. We stomped on the hollyhocks, we ate all of the strawberries in the garden, we played in the freshly tarred street and them blamed each other for the transgressions when questioned. Talk about safety in numbers!!! I'm still not sure who actually "keyed" grampa's Buick Special 8.
In high school I went on to be vice president of the drama club, editor of the high school newspaper, both vice president and president of the art club, assistant editor of the year book and secretary of the Latin club (OK, that one lasted about 15 seconds). Would you believe I was in cross country for two years??? Don't ask me why... It had to have something to do with the "energy pills" that the coach was freely passing out. I was 5' 10", weighed 110 lbs and had the metabolism of a hummingbird thanks to that coach. I could run like a raped ape and managed to get 5 first place medals in two years.
My first kiss was in kindergarten. Here name was Linda (why do I still remember that???) and we actually swapped tongues. It was nap time as I remember. EWW!!! Hell, I was actually engaged to be married at one point in the mid 70's. Yes, I really used to kiss girls and actually mean it. Well, sort of... I used to sneak out at night and wreak havoc. In high school I once actually convinced my best friends little sister to drink out of a gutter. FOR A NICKEL!!! Covered in mud she happily took the nickel, walked down the street and bought a bushels worth of penny candy. Ahh, good times...
See, I have not always been the train wreck that I am today. Nor the rancid old queen, either. YES, I used to be normal. Stop laughing, I can hear you!!!
My 20's and 30's are my own private delirium. Hell, I barely remember them myself so I know I had lots of fun. Maybe too much. Is there such a thing??? I don't think so. I survived college, I traveled the world like an escaped convict, I ran a couple of businesses, I slept with WAY too many strangers, I got upgraded to First Class a few times, I joined the Mile High Club on several occasions, I did enough drugs to put Timothy Leary to shame and I was known to masturbate in cemeteries (but never got caught). Oh, just bite me!!! I was young, pretty, very stoned and really just didn't give a shit. Remember your 20's and 30's??? OK, then, just put that rock down!!! What can I say, I was in my prime and the world was my oyster. So I shucked it, sucked it down with a little hot sauce and never looked back.
Birth to 20 was a WHOLE different circus ring though. All of my relatives are from the south. That taught me patience, despair, humor and a love of deep fryers. Were it not for grandma Flossie and great-grandma Emma I would have hung myself decades ago. I spent lots of summers in the south with them, catching a mayonnaise jar full of "lightening bugs" just so I could let them loose in the house. I loved it, they were somewhat less approving. But yet, they still gave me "Fizzie's" and cookies. It was heaven!!! Balsa airplanes from Jesse George's General Store, Oreo's with chocolate milk and painting poor cousin Bruce. BTW, I pronounce that canvas "test-a-CLEEZ". I'm Southern don't y'know.
I remember "swimmin' holes" that were FULL of snakes, home made ice cream at the family reunions (hand cranked BTW. That term has a whole different connotation to me today...) the glider on the front porch, running down into the back yard to watch the noon express train catch the "mail bag", grandpa Guy spitting some chew into a "tin" can and rain barrels. I had more cousins than I could club to death over a long weekend. Lord, we were a rabid bunch of unkept rebels. We stomped on the hollyhocks, we ate all of the strawberries in the garden, we played in the freshly tarred street and them blamed each other for the transgressions when questioned. Talk about safety in numbers!!! I'm still not sure who actually "keyed" grampa's Buick Special 8.
In high school I went on to be vice president of the drama club, editor of the high school newspaper, both vice president and president of the art club, assistant editor of the year book and secretary of the Latin club (OK, that one lasted about 15 seconds). Would you believe I was in cross country for two years??? Don't ask me why... It had to have something to do with the "energy pills" that the coach was freely passing out. I was 5' 10", weighed 110 lbs and had the metabolism of a hummingbird thanks to that coach. I could run like a raped ape and managed to get 5 first place medals in two years.
My first kiss was in kindergarten. Here name was Linda (why do I still remember that???) and we actually swapped tongues. It was nap time as I remember. EWW!!! Hell, I was actually engaged to be married at one point in the mid 70's. Yes, I really used to kiss girls and actually mean it. Well, sort of... I used to sneak out at night and wreak havoc. In high school I once actually convinced my best friends little sister to drink out of a gutter. FOR A NICKEL!!! Covered in mud she happily took the nickel, walked down the street and bought a bushels worth of penny candy. Ahh, good times...
See, I have not always been the train wreck that I am today. Nor the rancid old queen, either. YES, I used to be normal. Stop laughing, I can hear you!!!
Friday, June 10, 2011
Starch Is My Drug Of Choice..
OMG, I just love starch and carbs!!! They're like crack cocaine to me. Or meth. Or both. On white bread!!!
I am so addicted to potatoes that Sea Squirt has threatened repeatedly to send me off to my own private Detox Mansion. Before he met me he ate potatoes three times a year. I can eat those glorious little suckers three times a day. And still manage to hit a drive-up window for a large bag of fries for a little mid-afternoon gnoshy pick me up. Extra ketchup, por favor!!! I grill them, I roast them, I bake them, I twice bake them (OMG, those are SO good. Sea Squirt just looks at me in horror as I scarf one down, packed with cheese, sour cream, bacon and slathered with horseradish), I mash them, I smash them, I drown them in gravy, I rice them, I hashbrown them, I boil them, I make soup out of them. Hell, I've been known to eat them raw. Yep, we're talking hardcore here. I LOVE the purple ones from Peru. They make the weirdest looking chips imaginable. Chocolate covered potato chips with lots of sea salt... I've died and gone to heaven!!! I've never met a potato I didn't like. Or want to marry...
Pasta. Mmmmm.... pasta. This is where I degenerate into a true crack whore. To turn wheat into something as magnificent as pasta is total genius in my book. At current count there are 10 different kinds of pasta in my pantry right now. I just love all of those cool shapes that you can turn it into. I will invest an entire summer growing Roma tomatoes just so I can sweat my tits off for the entire month of August cooking them down into sauce to freeze for the winter. Why??? To turn it into a marinara sauce of such incredible addictivity in the middle of January that it would make you sell secrets to the Russians!!! Fresh herbs, too much garlic, pork, beef, bay leaves and a bit of Hungarian paprika. HEAVEN!!! Meat balls. Do NOT even get me started. If they are not the size of a softball they just aren't meatballs. My lasagna will kill you outright. I make it in a turkey roaster. It needs three boxes of noodles. It weighs about 57 pounds. After half a piece Sea Squirt needs to be defibrillated on the coffee table. Thank god for D-cell size batteries...
Bread. OK, I gotta say it , this stuff is just boring as hell to me. It's bread. Yuck. But, if you put enough butter, asiago cheese, garlic, fresh chives, paprika and a bit of broiling to this stuff I will stand up and salute it!!! Especially if it has a "dipping sauce" to enhance it, like extra virgin olive oil and balsamic vinegar. Hell, I would vote for that for Dictator for Life!!! Bread and I have a strange love/hate relationship that ranges from Liz and Dick to Bill and Hillary. Strange, but true... Just give me something to dip it in!!! No, wait, that just sounds creepy...
Corn. What can I say, I love corn. Canned, frozen, in a plastic bag, on the cob, grilled, boiled, creamed, whole kernel, roasted in the husk, poured over mashed 'taters, drowning in butter, lemon or Tajin, even made into flour. I just LOVE corn!!! Two days later I'm still shitting the stuff out. What can I say, it's corn. Gringos just don't know what to do with corn. Except count the kernels in the toilet. Which we do. Why, I don't know. But we do. Humans are unable to digest corn. Unless we dry it, grind it into dust, rehydrate it and turn it into tortillas. Thank you, Mexico!!! Again, carbs... I love them. Sea Squirt trembles at the sight of me consuming this delicacy... He just turns his head and shudders.
Donuts. Cheese Danish. Bolillos. Give me a carb and I will consume it!! I will eat all of this stuff just to keep other people from having access to them!!! I have been known to eat three bags of potato chips, a pint of cheddar cheese and horseradish dip, two bags of microwave popcorn and every cookie in the house in a single setting. Along with a couple of cans of honey roasted peanuts. All while watching a half hour show on HBO. Sea Squirt is appalled while I look for some chocolate chips to "snack" on just to clear my palate. Or some cake.
Speaking of cake... It's flour, it's eggs, it's milk, it's icing. How can you go wrong with that??? In my house it is jumbo eggs and cream. Heavy whipping cream to be exact. Why I don't weigh 400 pounds and slosh like a water bed is beyond my comprehension!!! Hell, we're not here for a long time, we're here for a GOOD time. And with ingredients like this I couldn't ask for any better friends!!!
I am so addicted to potatoes that Sea Squirt has threatened repeatedly to send me off to my own private Detox Mansion. Before he met me he ate potatoes three times a year. I can eat those glorious little suckers three times a day. And still manage to hit a drive-up window for a large bag of fries for a little mid-afternoon gnoshy pick me up. Extra ketchup, por favor!!! I grill them, I roast them, I bake them, I twice bake them (OMG, those are SO good. Sea Squirt just looks at me in horror as I scarf one down, packed with cheese, sour cream, bacon and slathered with horseradish), I mash them, I smash them, I drown them in gravy, I rice them, I hashbrown them, I boil them, I make soup out of them. Hell, I've been known to eat them raw. Yep, we're talking hardcore here. I LOVE the purple ones from Peru. They make the weirdest looking chips imaginable. Chocolate covered potato chips with lots of sea salt... I've died and gone to heaven!!! I've never met a potato I didn't like. Or want to marry...
Pasta. Mmmmm.... pasta. This is where I degenerate into a true crack whore. To turn wheat into something as magnificent as pasta is total genius in my book. At current count there are 10 different kinds of pasta in my pantry right now. I just love all of those cool shapes that you can turn it into. I will invest an entire summer growing Roma tomatoes just so I can sweat my tits off for the entire month of August cooking them down into sauce to freeze for the winter. Why??? To turn it into a marinara sauce of such incredible addictivity in the middle of January that it would make you sell secrets to the Russians!!! Fresh herbs, too much garlic, pork, beef, bay leaves and a bit of Hungarian paprika. HEAVEN!!! Meat balls. Do NOT even get me started. If they are not the size of a softball they just aren't meatballs. My lasagna will kill you outright. I make it in a turkey roaster. It needs three boxes of noodles. It weighs about 57 pounds. After half a piece Sea Squirt needs to be defibrillated on the coffee table. Thank god for D-cell size batteries...
Bread. OK, I gotta say it , this stuff is just boring as hell to me. It's bread. Yuck. But, if you put enough butter, asiago cheese, garlic, fresh chives, paprika and a bit of broiling to this stuff I will stand up and salute it!!! Especially if it has a "dipping sauce" to enhance it, like extra virgin olive oil and balsamic vinegar. Hell, I would vote for that for Dictator for Life!!! Bread and I have a strange love/hate relationship that ranges from Liz and Dick to Bill and Hillary. Strange, but true... Just give me something to dip it in!!! No, wait, that just sounds creepy...
Corn. What can I say, I love corn. Canned, frozen, in a plastic bag, on the cob, grilled, boiled, creamed, whole kernel, roasted in the husk, poured over mashed 'taters, drowning in butter, lemon or Tajin, even made into flour. I just LOVE corn!!! Two days later I'm still shitting the stuff out. What can I say, it's corn. Gringos just don't know what to do with corn. Except count the kernels in the toilet. Which we do. Why, I don't know. But we do. Humans are unable to digest corn. Unless we dry it, grind it into dust, rehydrate it and turn it into tortillas. Thank you, Mexico!!! Again, carbs... I love them. Sea Squirt trembles at the sight of me consuming this delicacy... He just turns his head and shudders.
Donuts. Cheese Danish. Bolillos. Give me a carb and I will consume it!! I will eat all of this stuff just to keep other people from having access to them!!! I have been known to eat three bags of potato chips, a pint of cheddar cheese and horseradish dip, two bags of microwave popcorn and every cookie in the house in a single setting. Along with a couple of cans of honey roasted peanuts. All while watching a half hour show on HBO. Sea Squirt is appalled while I look for some chocolate chips to "snack" on just to clear my palate. Or some cake.
Speaking of cake... It's flour, it's eggs, it's milk, it's icing. How can you go wrong with that??? In my house it is jumbo eggs and cream. Heavy whipping cream to be exact. Why I don't weigh 400 pounds and slosh like a water bed is beyond my comprehension!!! Hell, we're not here for a long time, we're here for a GOOD time. And with ingredients like this I couldn't ask for any better friends!!!
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Keep Me In Your Heart For Awhile...
OMG. Warren Zevon. What a talent. What a train wreck. Tonight I listened to "Keep Me In Your Heart" on the radio. I cried. What a beautiful fucking song. When he recorded it he was dying. And he knew it. The lyrics are magnificent. After years of chemical abuse and a roller-coaster ride of fun he was diagnosed with cancer that had spread across his body. He somehow managed to salvage his marriage, his family bonds and make peace with all of his demons. Warren, I salute you!!!
I have all of his recordings. I have seen him in concert more times than I can count. In big venues. Small venues. With a back-up band and just alone on stage by himself with a guitar. Dude, you rocked it every time!!! Thank you for the music!!! Every note, every word and every chord was true and straight to the heart...
From "Werewolf's of London", to "Detox Mansion", to "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner" to the remake of "Knocking On Heaven's Door" (which BTW was FUCKING unbelievable!!!) you knew how to make it real. My god, you just didn't stop until they took you out the door feet first. But only after what you described as industrial strength doses of morphine from several oncologists had been prescribed.
Again, tonight "Keep Me In Your Heart" brought me to tears. It always will. You will be in my heart for more than just awhile. You will be there forever!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you for the music...
I have all of his recordings. I have seen him in concert more times than I can count. In big venues. Small venues. With a back-up band and just alone on stage by himself with a guitar. Dude, you rocked it every time!!! Thank you for the music!!! Every note, every word and every chord was true and straight to the heart...
From "Werewolf's of London", to "Detox Mansion", to "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner" to the remake of "Knocking On Heaven's Door" (which BTW was FUCKING unbelievable!!!) you knew how to make it real. My god, you just didn't stop until they took you out the door feet first. But only after what you described as industrial strength doses of morphine from several oncologists had been prescribed.
Again, tonight "Keep Me In Your Heart" brought me to tears. It always will. You will be in my heart for more than just awhile. You will be there forever!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you for the music...
I'm Going To Hell A Lot Faster Than The Posted Speed Limit Allows!!!
I have gleefully used my body as an amusement park ride. For decades. I have bought, consumed and dealt just about every pill in the Physician's Desk Reference (I think of it as my own personal 'Sears Wish Book'). If the directions said do not mix with alcohol, I went straight to the liquor store on my way home. What can I say, I just like to "ramp" things up a bit.
I am not an accident waiting to happen. I am an accident in progress. I am guerilla theater, performance art, a truck full of kerosene soaked nitrogen fertilizer and a child with matches and a hand grenade. In a blender on "puree". Watch and learn. But only from a distance!!! I suggest the county line...
I am a handful of weeks away from turning 58. FIFTY-EIGHT!!! I am not a happy camper. And I do NOT go camping!!! My idea of camping is a 45-foot motor coach with four slideouts. My idea of "roughing it" is ordering rail vodka at the swim up pool bar at a Hyatt-Regency in Thailand!!! With underage, naked "lady-boys" holding my straw for me. OK, TMI...
FIFTY-EIGHT!!! ??? !!! Oh, just fuck me... In my heart, I am young. In my bathroom mirror, I am my father. Hell, I'm my grandfather. Hell, I'm my great-grandfather!!! Trust me, I have a photo to prove it. Just a little bit taller. But still just as bald. Me, dad, Glen and Henry: we are all up to our tits in the same male pattern baldness thing. FUCK ME!!!
Yesterday morning my knees and ankles swelled up, I lost the use of 3 fingers and my shoulder began making noises like a rusty hinge. Twelve hours later the front hit us. Thunder, lightening, monsoon rains, hail and straight line winds of 60 mph. I should have known. My body has degenerated into a weather station that can do remarkably accurate forecasts. Do not rely on Channel 27 any longer, just give me a call. What's next for me??? Bleeding from the ears??? That would probably mean an earthquake is on the way. I hate this crap!!!
Sales clerks just automatically give me the "Senior Discount" without asking to see my drivers license. No one cards me at the liquor store anymore and that's kind of a requirement here in Wisconsin (in this state we card everyone that doesn't look dead !!!). People hold doors open for me. People in line in front of me let me go ahead of them (what, does this 6-pack look THAT heavy???). People will offer me their seats in waiting rooms (OK, I do kind of like that one.) OK, yes, I do occasionally go out to dinner at 4:30 to snag an early-bird special deal but that is only because I am a tight-wad at heart not because I want to be in bed before the 6:00 news comes on. I figure the less I spend on dinner the more I can spend on martini's. And dessert. As long as it's something soft. Crunchy stuff disrupts my hearing aids so badly that my eyes start to water. It's just not pretty...
Today at Woodman's I found a couple of coupons for Depends in my coupon wallet. Yes, I have one of those. Stop smirking you bitches!!! Sea Squirt apparently put them in there for me. LOL. NOT REALLY!!! He is now tied upside down to a tree in the backyard. I've been going out every half hour and putting a tray of ice cubes up (down???) his ass. A word to the wise, old age and treachery will ALWAYS overcome youth and beauty. I am a rancid old queen with a mean streak that could (has???) topple governments. Don't even ask me about Pierre Trudeau...
I'm so damned old that I have dishpan nipples. There is a "walker" in the shower and a cane next to the toilet. To me, a rim-job is wiping my own urine off of the edge of the toilet because I wasn't wearing my glasses and my aim now sucks rocks. Hmmm... maybe those Depends coupons could actually come in handy. That way I wouldn't have to actually stand up, move and try to find my zipper...
I am not an accident waiting to happen. I am an accident in progress. I am guerilla theater, performance art, a truck full of kerosene soaked nitrogen fertilizer and a child with matches and a hand grenade. In a blender on "puree". Watch and learn. But only from a distance!!! I suggest the county line...
I am a handful of weeks away from turning 58. FIFTY-EIGHT!!! I am not a happy camper. And I do NOT go camping!!! My idea of camping is a 45-foot motor coach with four slideouts. My idea of "roughing it" is ordering rail vodka at the swim up pool bar at a Hyatt-Regency in Thailand!!! With underage, naked "lady-boys" holding my straw for me. OK, TMI...
FIFTY-EIGHT!!! ??? !!! Oh, just fuck me... In my heart, I am young. In my bathroom mirror, I am my father. Hell, I'm my grandfather. Hell, I'm my great-grandfather!!! Trust me, I have a photo to prove it. Just a little bit taller. But still just as bald. Me, dad, Glen and Henry: we are all up to our tits in the same male pattern baldness thing. FUCK ME!!!
Yesterday morning my knees and ankles swelled up, I lost the use of 3 fingers and my shoulder began making noises like a rusty hinge. Twelve hours later the front hit us. Thunder, lightening, monsoon rains, hail and straight line winds of 60 mph. I should have known. My body has degenerated into a weather station that can do remarkably accurate forecasts. Do not rely on Channel 27 any longer, just give me a call. What's next for me??? Bleeding from the ears??? That would probably mean an earthquake is on the way. I hate this crap!!!
Sales clerks just automatically give me the "Senior Discount" without asking to see my drivers license. No one cards me at the liquor store anymore and that's kind of a requirement here in Wisconsin (in this state we card everyone that doesn't look dead !!!). People hold doors open for me. People in line in front of me let me go ahead of them (what, does this 6-pack look THAT heavy???). People will offer me their seats in waiting rooms (OK, I do kind of like that one.) OK, yes, I do occasionally go out to dinner at 4:30 to snag an early-bird special deal but that is only because I am a tight-wad at heart not because I want to be in bed before the 6:00 news comes on. I figure the less I spend on dinner the more I can spend on martini's. And dessert. As long as it's something soft. Crunchy stuff disrupts my hearing aids so badly that my eyes start to water. It's just not pretty...
Today at Woodman's I found a couple of coupons for Depends in my coupon wallet. Yes, I have one of those. Stop smirking you bitches!!! Sea Squirt apparently put them in there for me. LOL. NOT REALLY!!! He is now tied upside down to a tree in the backyard. I've been going out every half hour and putting a tray of ice cubes up (down???) his ass. A word to the wise, old age and treachery will ALWAYS overcome youth and beauty. I am a rancid old queen with a mean streak that could (has???) topple governments. Don't even ask me about Pierre Trudeau...
I'm so damned old that I have dishpan nipples. There is a "walker" in the shower and a cane next to the toilet. To me, a rim-job is wiping my own urine off of the edge of the toilet because I wasn't wearing my glasses and my aim now sucks rocks. Hmmm... maybe those Depends coupons could actually come in handy. That way I wouldn't have to actually stand up, move and try to find my zipper...
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
The Internet Is Running Out Of Addresses???
This summary is not available. Please
click here to view the post.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Representative Weiner: Do NOT Put Your Wiener On The Web!!!
You stupid SHITHEAD!!! Are you kidding me??? You actually Twittered photos of yourself in your tighty-whighties to a 21 year old college student??? As well as to at least 5 other women??? And when caught you lied about it??? You could not "with certitude" confirm that they were pictures of you??? WTF kind of word is "certitude"??? I think it translates to "guilty as fuck" in English. And now you are admitting your guilt in this!!! And claiming yourself as the "victim" in this sewage backup??? Dude, you're married!!! As in with a wife!!! SHE is the victim here, not you!!! And the worse part of this is that you are a Democrat!!! You sludgeball!!!
A bit of background. You have been married for a little over a year. Your wife is an aide to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. The officiate at your wedding was former President Bill Clinton. Dude, are you nuts!!! NO, I don't want to see them and YES I plan on "dude-ing" you into submission!!! You are a mind numbing turd!!! I will stalk you like the hound of the Baskerville's!!! Resign, you idiot!!! And then allow all of us with two cents worth of gray matter to pistol whip you into oblivion!!!
On another note... It's the internet. If you put something out there it is there FOREVER!!! It WILL come back to bite you in the shorts. "Delete" means nothing!!! Trust me, I know this from experience. My wee-wee is ALL over the internet. My tally-wacker is like a freaking homepage for me!!! I have posted my junk so many times it hurts. Hell, I've done it with wild abandon. Proudly. Pointing north. In color. Hell, in 3-D!!! But I an NOT an elected official in Congress. I had nothing to lose or lie about. You did!!! IDIOT!!!
I am going to run for elected office. "Hello, ladies and gentlemen. I am here today to announce my candidacy for the Governorship of Mars. Yes, I am a serial masturbater. Yes, my wee-wee is all over the web. Yes, my crotch is in the public domain. It's that FUCKING old.". Later I will make public all web sites that have my junk on them. My campaign posters will feature my stuff. In color. My slogan will be "I don't have dick to hide". I will be loud and proud. What you see is what you get!!! I will not lie and say that I have not spread my goodies around like Skippy Peanut Butter!!! I will set up a pay site with monthly revolving charges!!! I will even accept American Express. Fuck their surcharges, it's worth it to get the word out there!!! I'm talking FULL disclosure here!!! What can I say, I'm a maverick from the word go!!! Fuck you Sarah, top this you bitch!!!
A bit of background. You have been married for a little over a year. Your wife is an aide to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. The officiate at your wedding was former President Bill Clinton. Dude, are you nuts!!! NO, I don't want to see them and YES I plan on "dude-ing" you into submission!!! You are a mind numbing turd!!! I will stalk you like the hound of the Baskerville's!!! Resign, you idiot!!! And then allow all of us with two cents worth of gray matter to pistol whip you into oblivion!!!
On another note... It's the internet. If you put something out there it is there FOREVER!!! It WILL come back to bite you in the shorts. "Delete" means nothing!!! Trust me, I know this from experience. My wee-wee is ALL over the internet. My tally-wacker is like a freaking homepage for me!!! I have posted my junk so many times it hurts. Hell, I've done it with wild abandon. Proudly. Pointing north. In color. Hell, in 3-D!!! But I an NOT an elected official in Congress. I had nothing to lose or lie about. You did!!! IDIOT!!!
I am going to run for elected office. "Hello, ladies and gentlemen. I am here today to announce my candidacy for the Governorship of Mars. Yes, I am a serial masturbater. Yes, my wee-wee is all over the web. Yes, my crotch is in the public domain. It's that FUCKING old.". Later I will make public all web sites that have my junk on them. My campaign posters will feature my stuff. In color. My slogan will be "I don't have dick to hide". I will be loud and proud. What you see is what you get!!! I will not lie and say that I have not spread my goodies around like Skippy Peanut Butter!!! I will set up a pay site with monthly revolving charges!!! I will even accept American Express. Fuck their surcharges, it's worth it to get the word out there!!! I'm talking FULL disclosure here!!! What can I say, I'm a maverick from the word go!!! Fuck you Sarah, top this you bitch!!!
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Fasten Your Seat Belts, It's Gonna Be A Bumpy Blog!!!
kim jung il. There, I have said it. kim jung il. What an AMAZINGLY mind numbing turd!!! Of all of the demigods I have been forced to endure during my almost 6 decades this guy take the tres leche. His father was like Stalin-lite, he himself is nuttier than a Pay-Day candy bar and his second son (soon to be the next "Fearless Leader and Friend To All") is the biggest wild card I have ever seen.
Oh god, where to start on this one... I have been to South Korea. It's a lovely country. A bit ethnocentric but a lovely country, nonetheless. I highly recommend the bulgogi!!! I have been to North Korea. Sort of. I booked a tour into the Demilitarized Zone. SCAREY!!! I was allowed to walk around the table where the cease-fire was signed. That got me officially into North Korea for about all of 15 seconds because the "official" international border runs through the center of the table. Amazingly, no border checks were involved but scowling from the North Korean Guards was mandatory. They are not a happy group of campers. On the way back to the bus a person behind me asked what the red dot on my back was. I turned around and saw that it was now on my front. In about the same location as my heart. I shit!!! I had a sniper from several miles away in the north tracking me with a laser guided assault rifle scope. I grabbed the oldest lady around me, held her up in front of me and quickly backed my way onto the tour bus. How paranoid are these people???
"Uncle Kim", as I call him, is a total loon. He has what is estimated to be the largest private wine collection in the world, the largest private fleet of Mercedes S-class sedans in the world, dozens of homes, has his "uniforms" custom tailored in Paris, flies in dentists from Germany, carries multiple American Express Platinum cards (WTF???), owns more shoes than Emelda Marcos did, had his children educated in private schools in Switzerland under assumed names, has more food tasters than Heinz has varieties and is known to like to blow things up. Especially nuclear weapons. If I lived in Seoul I would so be packing my bags right about now!!! And all of this while his beloved citizens are eating grass to keep from starving to death!!!
A couple of year ago he sent a diplomatic mission of envoys to Paris. The three of them went on a week long spending spree totaling a bit over 3 MILLION dollars!!! Clothes, food, electronics, wine, cars, liquor and other assorted goodies. All for "Uncle Kim". And all on AX Platinum Cards!!! WTF!!! You eat imported caviar and your citizens are free-ranging in the park???
Then there is that building... It's called the Ryungong Hotel. It's not only ugly it's yet to be completed. It started going up in 1985 and started crumbling almost immediately. Construction has commenced and been halted numerous times. It has appeared on North Korean currency and stamps. And disappeared just as quickly. Repeatedly. Cheap concrete and not an inch of rebare anywhere. It's not just ugly, it's FUGLY!!! It's gone from icon to eyesore more times than Madonna... This was his idea of a tourist and investment attraction. One small problem: no such thing as a tourist visa in North Korea. Hmmmm...
His eldest son. He was recently busted big time trying to sneak into Japan using a fake French passport so he could go to Disneyland Tokyo. Really??? Dude, you do NOT look French by any stretch!!! What part of arriving on a private Air Koryo private charter jet with a diplomatic passport were you missing???
OK, jump to the present. Just this week a shipment of 22 THOUSAND Italian made tap shoes was stopped as the cargo plane was pulling way from the terminal on a heading to Pyongyang. 22 THOUSAND TAP SHOES??? 22 THOUSAND TAP SHOES!!! Uncle Kim, just how big of a honorarial procession were you planning for yourself??? 11 thousand tap dancers??? That's Buzby Berkeley on the brown acid. With a dance crew fed on grass!!! Dude, wake up and smell the oxymoron!!!
Oh god, where to start on this one... I have been to South Korea. It's a lovely country. A bit ethnocentric but a lovely country, nonetheless. I highly recommend the bulgogi!!! I have been to North Korea. Sort of. I booked a tour into the Demilitarized Zone. SCAREY!!! I was allowed to walk around the table where the cease-fire was signed. That got me officially into North Korea for about all of 15 seconds because the "official" international border runs through the center of the table. Amazingly, no border checks were involved but scowling from the North Korean Guards was mandatory. They are not a happy group of campers. On the way back to the bus a person behind me asked what the red dot on my back was. I turned around and saw that it was now on my front. In about the same location as my heart. I shit!!! I had a sniper from several miles away in the north tracking me with a laser guided assault rifle scope. I grabbed the oldest lady around me, held her up in front of me and quickly backed my way onto the tour bus. How paranoid are these people???
"Uncle Kim", as I call him, is a total loon. He has what is estimated to be the largest private wine collection in the world, the largest private fleet of Mercedes S-class sedans in the world, dozens of homes, has his "uniforms" custom tailored in Paris, flies in dentists from Germany, carries multiple American Express Platinum cards (WTF???), owns more shoes than Emelda Marcos did, had his children educated in private schools in Switzerland under assumed names, has more food tasters than Heinz has varieties and is known to like to blow things up. Especially nuclear weapons. If I lived in Seoul I would so be packing my bags right about now!!! And all of this while his beloved citizens are eating grass to keep from starving to death!!!
A couple of year ago he sent a diplomatic mission of envoys to Paris. The three of them went on a week long spending spree totaling a bit over 3 MILLION dollars!!! Clothes, food, electronics, wine, cars, liquor and other assorted goodies. All for "Uncle Kim". And all on AX Platinum Cards!!! WTF!!! You eat imported caviar and your citizens are free-ranging in the park???
Then there is that building... It's called the Ryungong Hotel. It's not only ugly it's yet to be completed. It started going up in 1985 and started crumbling almost immediately. Construction has commenced and been halted numerous times. It has appeared on North Korean currency and stamps. And disappeared just as quickly. Repeatedly. Cheap concrete and not an inch of rebare anywhere. It's not just ugly, it's FUGLY!!! It's gone from icon to eyesore more times than Madonna... This was his idea of a tourist and investment attraction. One small problem: no such thing as a tourist visa in North Korea. Hmmmm...
His eldest son. He was recently busted big time trying to sneak into Japan using a fake French passport so he could go to Disneyland Tokyo. Really??? Dude, you do NOT look French by any stretch!!! What part of arriving on a private Air Koryo private charter jet with a diplomatic passport were you missing???
OK, jump to the present. Just this week a shipment of 22 THOUSAND Italian made tap shoes was stopped as the cargo plane was pulling way from the terminal on a heading to Pyongyang. 22 THOUSAND TAP SHOES??? 22 THOUSAND TAP SHOES!!! Uncle Kim, just how big of a honorarial procession were you planning for yourself??? 11 thousand tap dancers??? That's Buzby Berkeley on the brown acid. With a dance crew fed on grass!!! Dude, wake up and smell the oxymoron!!!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Hat-Trick!!!
OMG!!! I can't believe this!!! Two deaths and an indictment all on the same day!!! It just doesn't get any better than this...
DATELINE: Royal Oak, MI. Dr. Jack Kevorkian is dead at the age of 83. He died of natural causes. How strange is that??? Is it just me, or did he really start looking a lot like the character Max Shreck played in the F. W. Murnau 1922 black and white classic silent film "Nasferatu" in his last years??? Instant creepy. But I have to say, I loved this man and everything that he stood for and for making us open our eyes and finally look at reality.
DATELINE: Brentwood, CA. Actor James Arness has died at the age of 88. Best known for two acting roles, the Monster in the 1951 black and white classic, "The Thing" and Marshall Matt Dillon on "Gunsmoke" from 1955 till 1975. On "Gunsmoke" he showed us a kinder and gentler lawman than we had ever seen in a Western. He would pull his six-shooter out at the drop of a hat but he rarely actually fired it. He preferred to negotiate his way out of a situation with out blood shed if possible. In the middle of 1870's Dodge City, Kansas. Speaking of Kansas, does anyone else recall that there was NEVER a tornado in the 20 years that the show aired? It was freaking KANSAS!!! There should have been at least 3 or 4 per season!!! And what the hell was up with Marshall Dillon and Miss Kitty??? He was the Marshall and she was the towns Madame!!! The Long Branch "Saloon" was a whorehouse for god's sakes!!! And what about Sam, the bartender??? How much of a slice was she cutting him??? How niave were we as a viewing audience??? A bit of trivia: the character of Miss Kitty was originally a native of New Orleans yet she had NO Southern drawl (WTF???), James Arness stood 6', 6" tall, he took the roll of Matt Dillon after John Wayne turned it down and he was the brother of actor Peter Graves.
DATELINE: Winston-Salem, N.C. Former Senator and Presidential candidate John Edwards has just left a couple of skid marks in his shorts as he pleads not guilty to a Federal indictment of illegally soliciting $925,000.00 to cover up, hide and bury under a rock in the back yard any and all evidence that he cannot keep his brain zipped up. I'm talking about the sewer he is now up to his eyeballs in concerning the fact that he knocked up his mistress, had a love child and then tried to keep it secret. All while his wife was battling cancer!!! What a SLUDGEBALL!!!
And I don't say that about a lot of Democrats. Yes, he's just a cute as a button. Yes, I would have done him. Hell, I still would, he's just that cute. But, HE FUCKED AROUND ON HIS WIFE WHILE SHE WAS DYING and then did the most Republican thing I can imagine. He not only lied about it, he tried to cover it up. And now he's pleading not guilty to using hush money to make it all go away as he hid her in the Bahamas. Oh, yeah, that little love child is gonna be really proud of her father. $925,000.00??? For gods sake, for that kind of cash I could have bought a couple of homes, several new cars, gotten a nose job, have managed to make Romania disappear and still would have a nest egg in the bank. You need better "handlers", dude!!! What the bloody fuck were you thinking??? What a turd!!! Who the hell do you think you are??? A Kennedy???
With that, Ladies and Germs and all ships at sea, I close tonights broadcast as the grill is fired up and the blender is going at full speed. Wish me luck, this could be a disaster in progress. Thankfully Sea Squirt has 911 on speed dial... That's always a comfort... Refer to the previous post...
DATELINE: Royal Oak, MI. Dr. Jack Kevorkian is dead at the age of 83. He died of natural causes. How strange is that??? Is it just me, or did he really start looking a lot like the character Max Shreck played in the F. W. Murnau 1922 black and white classic silent film "Nasferatu" in his last years??? Instant creepy. But I have to say, I loved this man and everything that he stood for and for making us open our eyes and finally look at reality.
DATELINE: Brentwood, CA. Actor James Arness has died at the age of 88. Best known for two acting roles, the Monster in the 1951 black and white classic, "The Thing" and Marshall Matt Dillon on "Gunsmoke" from 1955 till 1975. On "Gunsmoke" he showed us a kinder and gentler lawman than we had ever seen in a Western. He would pull his six-shooter out at the drop of a hat but he rarely actually fired it. He preferred to negotiate his way out of a situation with out blood shed if possible. In the middle of 1870's Dodge City, Kansas. Speaking of Kansas, does anyone else recall that there was NEVER a tornado in the 20 years that the show aired? It was freaking KANSAS!!! There should have been at least 3 or 4 per season!!! And what the hell was up with Marshall Dillon and Miss Kitty??? He was the Marshall and she was the towns Madame!!! The Long Branch "Saloon" was a whorehouse for god's sakes!!! And what about Sam, the bartender??? How much of a slice was she cutting him??? How niave were we as a viewing audience??? A bit of trivia: the character of Miss Kitty was originally a native of New Orleans yet she had NO Southern drawl (WTF???), James Arness stood 6', 6" tall, he took the roll of Matt Dillon after John Wayne turned it down and he was the brother of actor Peter Graves.
DATELINE: Winston-Salem, N.C. Former Senator and Presidential candidate John Edwards has just left a couple of skid marks in his shorts as he pleads not guilty to a Federal indictment of illegally soliciting $925,000.00 to cover up, hide and bury under a rock in the back yard any and all evidence that he cannot keep his brain zipped up. I'm talking about the sewer he is now up to his eyeballs in concerning the fact that he knocked up his mistress, had a love child and then tried to keep it secret. All while his wife was battling cancer!!! What a SLUDGEBALL!!!
And I don't say that about a lot of Democrats. Yes, he's just a cute as a button. Yes, I would have done him. Hell, I still would, he's just that cute. But, HE FUCKED AROUND ON HIS WIFE WHILE SHE WAS DYING and then did the most Republican thing I can imagine. He not only lied about it, he tried to cover it up. And now he's pleading not guilty to using hush money to make it all go away as he hid her in the Bahamas. Oh, yeah, that little love child is gonna be really proud of her father. $925,000.00??? For gods sake, for that kind of cash I could have bought a couple of homes, several new cars, gotten a nose job, have managed to make Romania disappear and still would have a nest egg in the bank. You need better "handlers", dude!!! What the bloody fuck were you thinking??? What a turd!!! Who the hell do you think you are??? A Kennedy???
With that, Ladies and Germs and all ships at sea, I close tonights broadcast as the grill is fired up and the blender is going at full speed. Wish me luck, this could be a disaster in progress. Thankfully Sea Squirt has 911 on speed dial... That's always a comfort... Refer to the previous post...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)