Oh, just stop laughing, you bitches!!! The vast majority of you out there have only known be for about 18 years. I am soon to be 58. Do the math. I've got FOUR DECADES of stuff under my belt that you know nothing about. Thank god...
My 20's and 30's are my own private delirium. Hell, I barely remember them myself so I know I had lots of fun. Maybe too much. Is there such a thing??? I don't think so. I survived college, I traveled the world like an escaped convict, I ran a couple of businesses, I slept with WAY too many strangers, I got upgraded to First Class a few times, I joined the Mile High Club on several occasions, I did enough drugs to put Timothy Leary to shame and I was known to masturbate in cemeteries (but never got caught). Oh, just bite me!!! I was young, pretty, very stoned and really just didn't give a shit. Remember your 20's and 30's??? OK, then, just put that rock down!!! What can I say, I was in my prime and the world was my oyster. So I shucked it, sucked it down with a little hot sauce and never looked back.
Birth to 20 was a WHOLE different circus ring though. All of my relatives are from the south. That taught me patience, despair, humor and a love of deep fryers. Were it not for grandma Flossie and great-grandma Emma I would have hung myself decades ago. I spent lots of summers in the south with them, catching a mayonnaise jar full of "lightening bugs" just so I could let them loose in the house. I loved it, they were somewhat less approving. But yet, they still gave me "Fizzie's" and cookies. It was heaven!!! Balsa airplanes from Jesse George's General Store, Oreo's with chocolate milk and painting poor cousin Bruce. BTW, I pronounce that canvas "test-a-CLEEZ". I'm Southern don't y'know.
I remember "swimmin' holes" that were FULL of snakes, home made ice cream at the family reunions (hand cranked BTW. That term has a whole different connotation to me today...) the glider on the front porch, running down into the back yard to watch the noon express train catch the "mail bag", grandpa Guy spitting some chew into a "tin" can and rain barrels. I had more cousins than I could club to death over a long weekend. Lord, we were a rabid bunch of unkept rebels. We stomped on the hollyhocks, we ate all of the strawberries in the garden, we played in the freshly tarred street and them blamed each other for the transgressions when questioned. Talk about safety in numbers!!! I'm still not sure who actually "keyed" grampa's Buick Special 8.
In high school I went on to be vice president of the drama club, editor of the high school newspaper, both vice president and president of the art club, assistant editor of the year book and secretary of the Latin club (OK, that one lasted about 15 seconds). Would you believe I was in cross country for two years??? Don't ask me why... It had to have something to do with the "energy pills" that the coach was freely passing out. I was 5' 10", weighed 110 lbs and had the metabolism of a hummingbird thanks to that coach. I could run like a raped ape and managed to get 5 first place medals in two years.
My first kiss was in kindergarten. Here name was Linda (why do I still remember that???) and we actually swapped tongues. It was nap time as I remember. EWW!!! Hell, I was actually engaged to be married at one point in the mid 70's. Yes, I really used to kiss girls and actually mean it. Well, sort of... I used to sneak out at night and wreak havoc. In high school I once actually convinced my best friends little sister to drink out of a gutter. FOR A NICKEL!!! Covered in mud she happily took the nickel, walked down the street and bought a bushels worth of penny candy. Ahh, good times...
See, I have not always been the train wreck that I am today. Nor the rancid old queen, either. YES, I used to be normal. Stop laughing, I can hear you!!!
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