Ah, the Bonobo. Ever heard of these creatures? What a noble thing they are. They are our closest living relative. Really! I'm not kidding. They make chimpanzee's look like monkeys in an evolutionary sense. They were once thought to be "de-evolved" chimpanzees but are now realized to be the progenitor of us, humans. While we share 98% of our DNA with chimps we share almost 99% of our DNA with the Bonobo. They are amazingly intelligent, they recognize themselves in mirrors, use and MAKE tools, communicate in what we recognize as a "language", are highly endangered and are the only primate species to be officially termed as truly matrilineal in nature. Yep, it's all about the females here. Oh yeah, and BTW these things are horny as hell. Because of that only 3 zoos in the world have ever tried to exhibit them. Even researchers have a problem publishing things on them. How can you do a presentation or slide show when all you can show is apes fucking their brains out? Straight sex, gay sex, two ways, three ways, four ways, orgies, missionary, oral, anal, incest, self-gratification, hanging upside down in trees, hanging up-right in trees, doing it in a pile of leaves, doing it without leaves. Hell, just about everything except dressing up like Ethel Merman and doing it in drag! Although that may not be too far off. Seems to work for them though.
The troupe is led by an Alpha female, her sisters and female relatives. The males are only tolerated until they reach adulthood at which point they are chased off to fend for themselves and they become some other troupes brood stallion for awhile. Sex seems to be the negotiating factor for conflict resolution within the troupe. Hey, works for me, too!
So, back to Bonobo intelligence. A while back I say a news story on line about a Bonobo that was raised by a human family that had to give her up. Her name was Judy. They could not find a sanctuary that would take her but finally found a former research facility that housed great apes in a compound that was suitable for a creature of her history. She was kept with other Bonobos in an environment that was both comfortable and filled with stimulation to keep her happy and healthy. Although caged for part of the day she was allowed free time and play with the other Bonobos and interaction with humans at the center. One morning the caregivers arrived to find Judy out of her cage and roaming freely in the room. Back in the cage Judy! The next day the same thing. A couple of days later they found her outside of the room and roaming in the hallway. Beyond a punch key access door. Next day, the same thing. A couple of days later they found her not only out of the hallway but in the lunch room. Again beyond a punch key access door. A few days later they found her in the lobby, again beyond a punch key door, sleeping on a desk. With a toilet bowl brush beside her and all of the restrooms spotless. Trust me, I'm not making this shit up! Not only had she been trained to do some simple household chores by her former owners she had also managed to learn all of the punch key codes at the facility she was now being housed at just by watching as she was led around the place by the workers!
Ah, Judy, ain't opposable thumbs the most amazing things? I've heard she's now the programming director at CBS and working on a screen play that has been optioned by Steven Spielberg. I see an Emmy in this ones future!!!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Two old queens at a yard sale.
Surprisingly, this post is NOT about me and my other half. Read on.
I saw this story on the Web last night and it got me laughing so hard I peed. Which by the way is not at all unusual for a man of my age. Hope you all enjoy this one as much as I did.
I saw this story on the Web last night and it got me laughing so hard I peed. Which by the way is not at all unusual for a man of my age. Hope you all enjoy this one as much as I did.
SONORA, CA--A 70-year-old yard sale shopper is facing charges after police say things got a little out of hand at the sale.
Tuolumne County authorities say Jon Joslin was arrested on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon after he hit another man over the head with a cornbread pan at the sale Friday.
A sheriff's spokesman said Joslin hit the fellow shopper with a 5-pound cast iron pan to keep him from getting to the sale first. It seems the two men arrived early at the yard sale and were walking up a long driveway when investigators said Joslin first attempted to trip the 64-year old Joseph Brown.
Brown suffered a head laceration but refused medical treatment.
Holy shit, how much do these two like yard sales????? I wonder if the police confiscated the pan as evidence. And did they have to pay the lady who was having the yard sale for it before they could? A geriatric rumble at a yard sale.... what next?
Saturday, August 28, 2010
I won't pay full price for anything!
Yeah, it's true, I'm a compulsive coupon clipper. Always have been and always will be. I could win one of those enormous lotteries and I'd still be shopping the clearance aisle. It's a matter of principle. I worked retail for too many years and I know all to well what mark-ups are. Can you say 700 to 1200 percent??? And it's not that I'm a tightwad either. Hell, I love spending money. I just enjoy getting stuff dirt cheap so I have money left in my pocket to go buy something else dirt cheap with. I have managed to amass an incredible amount of shit over the years (whether I really needed it or not) simply because it was on sale. Hell, I'll buy stuff just to keep other people from having it! If you've ever seen my kitchen you know exactly what I mean. Let me give you a couple of examples.
I was in Boston Store one day and spied a top of the line Braun toaster oven on the back of the shelf that had multiple prices marked onto the box. So many in fact that I couldn't actually make out what the lowest one was. But I was able to make out the last two digits of one price and it ended .88. I knew I had hit pay dirt with that one! You see, in the retail world when something has a price like that on it it means only one thing: discontinued item. They want to get that sucker out of the store by any means possible. OK, the original price on the box was a ridiculous $149.99 and since I really had no use for toaster oven in the first place I would never have considered dropping bucks like that on one. So I walked up to the counter and had the clerk scan it for me. Guess what? They had that puppy marked down to $13.88! SOLD!!! God knows what I was going to do with the damn thing but at that price I had to have it. My heart was beginning to race a bit at this point because I had a coupon for an additional 20 percent off. Down to $11.10! As the clerk was ringing me up she asks if I would like to put this on my Boston's card because she could give me an additional 20 percent off. Down to $8.90! With tax a mere $9.35! Happy camper! I think I have managed to use the damn thing 4 times in the 10 years that I have had it but hey, I saved a bundle. And I know the store still made at least $5.00 in the deal! Slave labor is obviously alive and well overseas.
At Macy's (BTW, I hate that store! When they gobbled up Marshall-Fields they never got around to replacing my card. Kept my old account open, just never gave me a way to effectively shop at their store. More on Macy's in a later posting) I managed to find two wonderful designer saute pans and a wok on clearance. The original full price for all of them was a around $155.00. Not unreasonable but again, full price. This time I have a $10.00 Macy's gift card in my wallet. Again, if I use my Macy's account an additional 20 percent off. I was swooning! Bottom line, I walked out of the store with everything for a whopping $21.03!
Ever bought a new car with a credit card? I have. American Express to be exact. And I even managed to wrangle a $600.00 "cash" discount in the process. My AX Optima account had sent me some balance transfer checks that included no transactions fees and only charged me 1 percent interest for the life of the balance. I paid that thing off so fast it hurt!
You should see me in Mexico! I truly come into my own down there. Haggling over prices in stores is not just a way of life in Mexico it is apparently some sort of Federal law. If you don't haggle you get your shorts screwed off. Mexico REALLY is the home of the $600.00 orange. And if you don't know what you're doing you can end up paying $700.00 for the damned thing. I love walking into a store there and seeing that nothing has a price tag on it. My pulse quickens, my nostrils flare and my palms get sweaty because I know that I have just entered Price is Right Central! When I ask the clerk how much a blanket is and he says $50.00 (a complete and utter gouge) I will counter offer with $20.00. If he counters me with $45.00 I will come back with $18.00! That one always freaks them out. They quickly realize I am not the typical tourista and resign themselves to the $18.00. Then I ask them what kind of discount if I buy three blankets. Clerks will give me discounts in Mexico just to get me out of the damned store!
I was in Boston Store one day and spied a top of the line Braun toaster oven on the back of the shelf that had multiple prices marked onto the box. So many in fact that I couldn't actually make out what the lowest one was. But I was able to make out the last two digits of one price and it ended .88. I knew I had hit pay dirt with that one! You see, in the retail world when something has a price like that on it it means only one thing: discontinued item. They want to get that sucker out of the store by any means possible. OK, the original price on the box was a ridiculous $149.99 and since I really had no use for toaster oven in the first place I would never have considered dropping bucks like that on one. So I walked up to the counter and had the clerk scan it for me. Guess what? They had that puppy marked down to $13.88! SOLD!!! God knows what I was going to do with the damn thing but at that price I had to have it. My heart was beginning to race a bit at this point because I had a coupon for an additional 20 percent off. Down to $11.10! As the clerk was ringing me up she asks if I would like to put this on my Boston's card because she could give me an additional 20 percent off. Down to $8.90! With tax a mere $9.35! Happy camper! I think I have managed to use the damn thing 4 times in the 10 years that I have had it but hey, I saved a bundle. And I know the store still made at least $5.00 in the deal! Slave labor is obviously alive and well overseas.
At Macy's (BTW, I hate that store! When they gobbled up Marshall-Fields they never got around to replacing my card. Kept my old account open, just never gave me a way to effectively shop at their store. More on Macy's in a later posting) I managed to find two wonderful designer saute pans and a wok on clearance. The original full price for all of them was a around $155.00. Not unreasonable but again, full price. This time I have a $10.00 Macy's gift card in my wallet. Again, if I use my Macy's account an additional 20 percent off. I was swooning! Bottom line, I walked out of the store with everything for a whopping $21.03!
Ever bought a new car with a credit card? I have. American Express to be exact. And I even managed to wrangle a $600.00 "cash" discount in the process. My AX Optima account had sent me some balance transfer checks that included no transactions fees and only charged me 1 percent interest for the life of the balance. I paid that thing off so fast it hurt!
You should see me in Mexico! I truly come into my own down there. Haggling over prices in stores is not just a way of life in Mexico it is apparently some sort of Federal law. If you don't haggle you get your shorts screwed off. Mexico REALLY is the home of the $600.00 orange. And if you don't know what you're doing you can end up paying $700.00 for the damned thing. I love walking into a store there and seeing that nothing has a price tag on it. My pulse quickens, my nostrils flare and my palms get sweaty because I know that I have just entered Price is Right Central! When I ask the clerk how much a blanket is and he says $50.00 (a complete and utter gouge) I will counter offer with $20.00. If he counters me with $45.00 I will come back with $18.00! That one always freaks them out. They quickly realize I am not the typical tourista and resign themselves to the $18.00. Then I ask them what kind of discount if I buy three blankets. Clerks will give me discounts in Mexico just to get me out of the damned store!
Friday, August 27, 2010
The saga of the Secret Shopper
Ever gotten back from the grocery store and discovered that you have a number of expensive items that you know you didn't buy? I'm talking things like a dozen tubes of Vagisil, maybe half a case of Preparation H, or WAY too many imported $4.00 chocolate bars? How about that caviar? How did this happen you may ask. Well, my friend, you have a Secret Shopper! What's a Secret Shopper? Not to be confused with a Personal Shopper (someone that shops for you because you're too lazy to do it yourself) a Secret Shopper is someone that "helps" you shop but doesn't feel the need to tell you about it. Specifically, that would be yours truly, me.
Why do I do this? Easy. You have managed to piss the bloody hell out of me while I was trying to do MY grocery shopping, that's why! How have you pissed me off, you ask? In an amazing plethora of irritatingly annoying ways that just boggles my mind. On a good day I probably wouldn't give any one of you a glass of water if your head was on fire but when you do the dumb ass shit that you do at the grocery store I want to shoot you. Out of a cannon! Let me flesh this out for you a little bit.
Cell phones. Well, that one is almost self explanatory. The last time I used my cell phone I was hanging upside down in my car seat dialing 911. Get the picture? What is so freaking important that you feel the need to be on the phone in the grocery store? You know how we now have laws that try to keep you off the phone in your car for safety reasons? The same should be true with grocery carts. When your cell phone comes out you slooooow to a crawl at best In front of me. You wretched bastards! Then there's the folks that have that damned thing clipped to their ear so they can multi task in the soup aisle because they apparently think it makes them look important . It does not make you look important! It does however keep me from getting the can of tomato soup that I want in a timely manner and merely wins you 8 tubes of wasabi! Don't even get me started on that mind-numbing turd that was in front of me in the check-out line who was actually calling the person that was in back of me in line. Can you say complete meltdown on my part???
Kids. Must you manage to bring what appears to be every child that lives on your block with you to the grocery store? And let them either run wild or follow you shoulder to shoulder so the aisle looks like a log jam on the Mississippi? Hmmmm, you think that might explain all of the candy I surprised you with.? I bet you feel pretty bad now about whipping the stuffing out of them when you got home and unpacked the sacks, right???
Am I invisible? When I'm standing, with my cart, two feet from the shelves and am obviously looking at something I want to purchase why do you walk up and plant your ass in front of me like I wasn't there? And then take your damned sweet time doing it? You have obviously been so engrossed in the canned peas that you have neglected to hear that long, low rumbling behind you. It's me and I call that the "Voice From the Back Of the Cave" sound. I learned that from my mother, she was a master at it. When my father and I heard her make that noise we got the hell out of the way. So should you!!!!
Husbands. Ladies, do not take your husbands grocery shopping with you, let alone "let" them push the cart. They are an obstacle of unimaginable annoyance and they are trailing behind you slowing dying of ennui. In front of me!!! Do not, I repeat DO NOT send your husbands to the store by themselves. This is an exercise of complete futility for both he and myself. They will inevitable park their cart sideways in the middle of the aisle, blocking it completely while they stare at 4 shelves of canned chili with a look on their faces that resembles a deer in head lights because they cannot find the 16 oz. can of chili that you have on the list. Ladies, there is no such thing as a 16 oz. can of chili! 15 oz., yes. 16 oz., NO! This sort of conundrum will shut your husbands frontal lobes off completely because he is focusing solely on the beating you will give him when he comes back with the "wrong" size can of chili. And that case of condoms I have put in his cart. This annoyance can be summed up in a simple phrase: Never try to teach a cow to dance. It's a waste of your time (and mine!!!) and it really just scares the hell out of cow!
Eye Contact. When you come down the aisle, usually on the wrong side, make direct eye contact with me and then stop and park your cart three feet in front of me and walk back to the end of the aisle to get something you forgot you are truly taking your life into your own hands. Are you out of your bloody mind? That not only makes my Rude-O-Meter go completely off the scale it also gives me WAY too much time to fill your cart with treats. Tell me, have you found a use for all of that sesame oil yet? YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY PERSON IN THE STORE!!!
Free Lunch. Ok, I'll admit this really is the fault of the store but you merely throw more fuel on the damned fire. Stores have gotten into the habit of putting up these little "have a free sample" table displays. Inevitably at the end of narrow aisles or on even narrower cross aisles. And what do you do? You plant your ass there and begin to chow down. Usually with a couple of family members in tow just to add to the blockage factor. And you do it at EVERY display they have in the store! It is a SAMPLE display NOT a smorgasbord! To borrow a phrase from "My Fair Lady", MOVE YOUR BLOOMIN' ASS!!!!
And don't think I'm the only one doing this to you. I've been recruiting and training others into this for years. Think of us as the Al Qaeda of aisle 4, if you will. When we see another one of us in the store, using just a few discreet hand signals and facial expressions we can tip each other off to you. Sometimes just as a courtesy to each other to help us avoid you but more often than not so we can systematically "serial swarm" you as you wander the aisles, lost in your own oblivion of inconsideration and inattention. Trust me, we will not stop until we have freed the produce section of you and your kind!
Why do I do this? Easy. You have managed to piss the bloody hell out of me while I was trying to do MY grocery shopping, that's why! How have you pissed me off, you ask? In an amazing plethora of irritatingly annoying ways that just boggles my mind. On a good day I probably wouldn't give any one of you a glass of water if your head was on fire but when you do the dumb ass shit that you do at the grocery store I want to shoot you. Out of a cannon! Let me flesh this out for you a little bit.
Cell phones. Well, that one is almost self explanatory. The last time I used my cell phone I was hanging upside down in my car seat dialing 911. Get the picture? What is so freaking important that you feel the need to be on the phone in the grocery store? You know how we now have laws that try to keep you off the phone in your car for safety reasons? The same should be true with grocery carts. When your cell phone comes out you slooooow to a crawl at best In front of me. You wretched bastards! Then there's the folks that have that damned thing clipped to their ear so they can multi task in the soup aisle because they apparently think it makes them look important . It does not make you look important! It does however keep me from getting the can of tomato soup that I want in a timely manner and merely wins you 8 tubes of wasabi! Don't even get me started on that mind-numbing turd that was in front of me in the check-out line who was actually calling the person that was in back of me in line. Can you say complete meltdown on my part???
Kids. Must you manage to bring what appears to be every child that lives on your block with you to the grocery store? And let them either run wild or follow you shoulder to shoulder so the aisle looks like a log jam on the Mississippi? Hmmmm, you think that might explain all of the candy I surprised you with.? I bet you feel pretty bad now about whipping the stuffing out of them when you got home and unpacked the sacks, right???
Am I invisible? When I'm standing, with my cart, two feet from the shelves and am obviously looking at something I want to purchase why do you walk up and plant your ass in front of me like I wasn't there? And then take your damned sweet time doing it? You have obviously been so engrossed in the canned peas that you have neglected to hear that long, low rumbling behind you. It's me and I call that the "Voice From the Back Of the Cave" sound. I learned that from my mother, she was a master at it. When my father and I heard her make that noise we got the hell out of the way. So should you!!!!
Husbands. Ladies, do not take your husbands grocery shopping with you, let alone "let" them push the cart. They are an obstacle of unimaginable annoyance and they are trailing behind you slowing dying of ennui. In front of me!!! Do not, I repeat DO NOT send your husbands to the store by themselves. This is an exercise of complete futility for both he and myself. They will inevitable park their cart sideways in the middle of the aisle, blocking it completely while they stare at 4 shelves of canned chili with a look on their faces that resembles a deer in head lights because they cannot find the 16 oz. can of chili that you have on the list. Ladies, there is no such thing as a 16 oz. can of chili! 15 oz., yes. 16 oz., NO! This sort of conundrum will shut your husbands frontal lobes off completely because he is focusing solely on the beating you will give him when he comes back with the "wrong" size can of chili. And that case of condoms I have put in his cart. This annoyance can be summed up in a simple phrase: Never try to teach a cow to dance. It's a waste of your time (and mine!!!) and it really just scares the hell out of cow!
Eye Contact. When you come down the aisle, usually on the wrong side, make direct eye contact with me and then stop and park your cart three feet in front of me and walk back to the end of the aisle to get something you forgot you are truly taking your life into your own hands. Are you out of your bloody mind? That not only makes my Rude-O-Meter go completely off the scale it also gives me WAY too much time to fill your cart with treats. Tell me, have you found a use for all of that sesame oil yet? YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY PERSON IN THE STORE!!!
Free Lunch. Ok, I'll admit this really is the fault of the store but you merely throw more fuel on the damned fire. Stores have gotten into the habit of putting up these little "have a free sample" table displays. Inevitably at the end of narrow aisles or on even narrower cross aisles. And what do you do? You plant your ass there and begin to chow down. Usually with a couple of family members in tow just to add to the blockage factor. And you do it at EVERY display they have in the store! It is a SAMPLE display NOT a smorgasbord! To borrow a phrase from "My Fair Lady", MOVE YOUR BLOOMIN' ASS!!!!
And don't think I'm the only one doing this to you. I've been recruiting and training others into this for years. Think of us as the Al Qaeda of aisle 4, if you will. When we see another one of us in the store, using just a few discreet hand signals and facial expressions we can tip each other off to you. Sometimes just as a courtesy to each other to help us avoid you but more often than not so we can systematically "serial swarm" you as you wander the aisles, lost in your own oblivion of inconsideration and inattention. Trust me, we will not stop until we have freed the produce section of you and your kind!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Oh bloody hell!!!
Ok, I'm old (already mentioned) and about as computer savvy as Granny Clampett (again, already mentioned) but I figure if I can find gigabytes of on line porn with just a few key strokes then I could manage a freaking blog. Oh how wrong the internet as proven me! First off, I sent an email to all of my friends with a link enclosed. Did it work? Hell no! It merely took them to my personal sign in page. I then sent them an update to cut and paste the address on to there prowser. Did that work? Hell no! I finally suggested that they just type the whole address onto there browser window. Did that work? Sort of..... Guess who was able to access my blog directly from the first link? A good friend of mine from Mexico. How the bloody hell does this mess work from Mexico but not from the US? Madria e Dios!!!! I remember phones with cords on them, phones with rotary dials, carbon paper, even manual typewriters for Christ's sake. You would think I would know how to manage a damned Blog, but NO!!! It's not like I'm trying to use a damned Blueberry or a freaking BlackRay or something. All I want to do is contact the damned world thru sippy-cup space and spread the word of angst and quiet resignation. Al Gore, where are you now that I really need you? Oh yeah, that's right, shagging a by-the-hour massage therapist in a seedy hotel in the Twin Cities. For THIS I voted for you???? (Tipper, sue his brains off and take him for everything!)
On an odd note, I already have a couple of followers to this insanity. God love you both and I hope you are as certifiable as I am because nothing says "watch out" as much as a crowd. Cocktails, anyone? My next hope is for some sponsorship from some really seedy on line porn sites. At that point I go viral! Again, Arianna, watch your back!
Donn
On an odd note, I already have a couple of followers to this insanity. God love you both and I hope you are as certifiable as I am because nothing says "watch out" as much as a crowd. Cocktails, anyone? My next hope is for some sponsorship from some really seedy on line porn sites. At that point I go viral! Again, Arianna, watch your back!
Donn
Ever have one of those lives????
So, here I am. With a Blog. I swore I would never do this. It's the computer version of snail mail junk mail in my opinion.... usually some lonely internet geek with no friends or some ranting loony with way too much time on their hands. Ok, that last could very well be me. But here I am anyway. Bare with me, this could get ugly after awhile. Who knows. Here goes. Fasten your seat belts because I do promise a bumpy ride!
I'm 57, retired, balding and as gay as paper umbrella in a boat drink. Which, by the way, I happen to enjoy. Boat drinks that is, not paper umbrellas. Unless of course I'm on a boat. A really, really BIG boat. Somewhere in the tropics preferably. Put me under a palapa in Mexico and I'm more than likely quite sociable. Even giggly. Put me back up here in Wisconsin and I can be a bigger bitch than Bette Davis on the brown acid. What can I say, I pick my role models VERY carefully!
Like I said, I'm 57. When the bloody hell did I get this old???? When I look in a mirror I see my father. Hell, I see my grandfather! Can you believe I used to be one of those wonderfully hot clones on Castro Street back in the 70's? I used to be HOT. Now I'm merely tepid. But only after you let me set out in the sun for awhile. Not too long though, if I lose too much moisture I start to crack like a Da Vinci fresco. That may look good on a wall in the Vatican but it looks like crap in my mirror. Trust me, my mirror wouldn't lie.
I drive a Dodge. Yes, a Dodge for Christ's sake! That's like the Edsel of the new millennium in my opinion. Only without the panache. Or the V-8. Or the resale value. Had I bought an Edsel when I was 5 years old I'd be a millionaire today. Still 57 and balding but a millionaire nonetheless. With my own private palapa in Mexico. And a boat drink! Hey, I have my priorities!!!!
Snug up those seat belts, there's more to come!!!!!
I'm 57, retired, balding and as gay as paper umbrella in a boat drink. Which, by the way, I happen to enjoy. Boat drinks that is, not paper umbrellas. Unless of course I'm on a boat. A really, really BIG boat. Somewhere in the tropics preferably. Put me under a palapa in Mexico and I'm more than likely quite sociable. Even giggly. Put me back up here in Wisconsin and I can be a bigger bitch than Bette Davis on the brown acid. What can I say, I pick my role models VERY carefully!
Like I said, I'm 57. When the bloody hell did I get this old???? When I look in a mirror I see my father. Hell, I see my grandfather! Can you believe I used to be one of those wonderfully hot clones on Castro Street back in the 70's? I used to be HOT. Now I'm merely tepid. But only after you let me set out in the sun for awhile. Not too long though, if I lose too much moisture I start to crack like a Da Vinci fresco. That may look good on a wall in the Vatican but it looks like crap in my mirror. Trust me, my mirror wouldn't lie.
I drive a Dodge. Yes, a Dodge for Christ's sake! That's like the Edsel of the new millennium in my opinion. Only without the panache. Or the V-8. Or the resale value. Had I bought an Edsel when I was 5 years old I'd be a millionaire today. Still 57 and balding but a millionaire nonetheless. With my own private palapa in Mexico. And a boat drink! Hey, I have my priorities!!!!
Snug up those seat belts, there's more to come!!!!!
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