OMG, I just love starch and carbs!!! They're like crack cocaine to me. Or meth. Or both. On white bread!!!
I am so addicted to potatoes that Sea Squirt has threatened repeatedly to send me off to my own private Detox Mansion. Before he met me he ate potatoes three times a year. I can eat those glorious little suckers three times a day. And still manage to hit a drive-up window for a large bag of fries for a little mid-afternoon gnoshy pick me up. Extra ketchup, por favor!!! I grill them, I roast them, I bake them, I twice bake them (OMG, those are SO good. Sea Squirt just looks at me in horror as I scarf one down, packed with cheese, sour cream, bacon and slathered with horseradish), I mash them, I smash them, I drown them in gravy, I rice them, I hashbrown them, I boil them, I make soup out of them. Hell, I've been known to eat them raw. Yep, we're talking hardcore here. I LOVE the purple ones from Peru. They make the weirdest looking chips imaginable. Chocolate covered potato chips with lots of sea salt... I've died and gone to heaven!!! I've never met a potato I didn't like. Or want to marry...
Pasta. Mmmmm.... pasta. This is where I degenerate into a true crack whore. To turn wheat into something as magnificent as pasta is total genius in my book. At current count there are 10 different kinds of pasta in my pantry right now. I just love all of those cool shapes that you can turn it into. I will invest an entire summer growing Roma tomatoes just so I can sweat my tits off for the entire month of August cooking them down into sauce to freeze for the winter. Why??? To turn it into a marinara sauce of such incredible addictivity in the middle of January that it would make you sell secrets to the Russians!!! Fresh herbs, too much garlic, pork, beef, bay leaves and a bit of Hungarian paprika. HEAVEN!!! Meat balls. Do NOT even get me started. If they are not the size of a softball they just aren't meatballs. My lasagna will kill you outright. I make it in a turkey roaster. It needs three boxes of noodles. It weighs about 57 pounds. After half a piece Sea Squirt needs to be defibrillated on the coffee table. Thank god for D-cell size batteries...
Bread. OK, I gotta say it , this stuff is just boring as hell to me. It's bread. Yuck. But, if you put enough butter, asiago cheese, garlic, fresh chives, paprika and a bit of broiling to this stuff I will stand up and salute it!!! Especially if it has a "dipping sauce" to enhance it, like extra virgin olive oil and balsamic vinegar. Hell, I would vote for that for Dictator for Life!!! Bread and I have a strange love/hate relationship that ranges from Liz and Dick to Bill and Hillary. Strange, but true... Just give me something to dip it in!!! No, wait, that just sounds creepy...
Corn. What can I say, I love corn. Canned, frozen, in a plastic bag, on the cob, grilled, boiled, creamed, whole kernel, roasted in the husk, poured over mashed 'taters, drowning in butter, lemon or Tajin, even made into flour. I just LOVE corn!!! Two days later I'm still shitting the stuff out. What can I say, it's corn. Gringos just don't know what to do with corn. Except count the kernels in the toilet. Which we do. Why, I don't know. But we do. Humans are unable to digest corn. Unless we dry it, grind it into dust, rehydrate it and turn it into tortillas. Thank you, Mexico!!! Again, carbs... I love them. Sea Squirt trembles at the sight of me consuming this delicacy... He just turns his head and shudders.
Donuts. Cheese Danish. Bolillos. Give me a carb and I will consume it!! I will eat all of this stuff just to keep other people from having access to them!!! I have been known to eat three bags of potato chips, a pint of cheddar cheese and horseradish dip, two bags of microwave popcorn and every cookie in the house in a single setting. Along with a couple of cans of honey roasted peanuts. All while watching a half hour show on HBO. Sea Squirt is appalled while I look for some chocolate chips to "snack" on just to clear my palate. Or some cake.
Speaking of cake... It's flour, it's eggs, it's milk, it's icing. How can you go wrong with that??? In my house it is jumbo eggs and cream. Heavy whipping cream to be exact. Why I don't weigh 400 pounds and slosh like a water bed is beyond my comprehension!!! Hell, we're not here for a long time, we're here for a GOOD time. And with ingredients like this I couldn't ask for any better friends!!!
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