Seriously, I did. We're really close. He's German and I'm a Jew. How much closer can you get than that without him being a Pharaoh with a huge desert and me being lost??? Fortunately, he was "in" so the call went straight through. One ringy-dingy. Two ringy-dingy. Hello, is the Pope that I am speaking to???
"So, Benny," I say, "what's up with this condom thing you just issued? Sounds a bit convoluted to me. Revolutionary? Yes!!! But a bit awkward as well. By the way, do you even know what those things look like???" And I meant, condoms, NOT gay prostitutes!!! But that may be a whole other Blog... Of course with the way his Pope-ness dresses I may have to keep that one under the radar.
Benny responds in his wonderfully heavily German-accented Italian/ broken English and fills me in on the 411. Condoms: Bad. Birth Control: Bad. Male prostitutes using condoms: Good. But only if they are HIV-positive. (WHAT???) And have a gay clientele. (WHAT???) It's a "moral" issue in his (Their) eyes. OK, so Benny just said male prostitute, HIV-positive, gay, condom use and moral in the same sentence. I immediately put him on hold and go mix a pitcher of margaritas so I can steel myself up for the rest of this conversation and get my seatbelt securely fastened. I know I'm going to need it.
"Hey, Benny," I say, "I'm back. Continue..." .
He proceeds to tell me that since gay prostitutes with a gay clientele can't have babies (which are gods angels) they should do everything in their power to stop the spread of AIDS. (OMG, Benny just said the 'A' word!!!). Again, a "moral" thing which he (They) view as their duty. Then he tells me that this announcement is limited solely to HIV-infected gay prostitutes and NOT to straight married couples where one of the partners is HIV-infected (that would be birth control) which would prevent the birth of one of gods little angles and be completely immoral in his (Their) eyes. WHAT??? I'm drinking out of the pitcher at this point...
"Benny, honey," I ask, "how much of that wine have you been drinking??? Is there an adult anywhere near you that I can speak to??? Anyone will do. A maid? That new junior Cardinal that changes your Nazi-sympathizing diapers? Anyone!!! We have to loosen the tension on your miter!!! You're starting to sound like Berniece Clifton And you know what happened to her. She actually wore a Christmas tree skirt as a FREAKING skirt!!!" Yes, great episode but she was full blown, bat shit fucking crazy!!!
Benny continues to ramble on about condoms (not a word I take lightly being said by the Pope for a number of reasons) and has apparently mistaken the Papal slipper as cell phone. The connection got very weak at that point so I can only suppose what was going on... Suddenly, I hear what I can only imagine is the College of Cardinals come rushing in and wrestle him down into submission. I love cardinals. They're very pretty birds. And I love to hear them sing in the spring. What a lovely call they have. But, why do they need their own college??? Are they from out of state and pay higher tuitions??? Are they a gated community of some sort??? Or, are they Nazis too??? They're such pretty birds, how can they possibly be National Socialists???
But I digress.... By the time I got back form mixing up the second batch of margaritas I was hearing a recording that said all lines were currently busy and I should try to complete my call later. When the hell has 1-800- IMA-POPE ever been busy???
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