OK, I'm still giggling about this one. It's just too good.
In earlier posts I have mentioned my faux-niece. She's a charmer and I love her with all my heart. I was there the night she came into the world and there is a very good possibility that I actually got to hold her before either of her parents did after she got out of the incubator. Red flag Number One...
I am her babysitter of choice. Red flag Number Two... Who in their right mind would give me their child??? That basically means that both of us are unsupervised!!! For an extended period of time... FREAKING RED FLAG!!!
So, yesterday, her mom gets a call at work about an "incident" that has taken place at school. An "incident??? " I'm sorry but if I would have gotten a call like that my first thoughts would have been of a school on lock down, an armed gunman and a hostage taking situation. I'm not a parent but an "incident" at school and I jump right to Columbine High School. All the while the principal is on the phone describing what has happened, her mom is desperately trying not to laugh her ass off. Yes, indeed, she truly is her mother's daughter. To a fault... That's why I love them both...
It seemingly started out simply enough. Doesn't it always??? It seems that her "bus buddy" (I have no idea what that actually means) and best friend decided to have a bit of a disagreement out in the hallway before class started. He said that he hated school because everyday was the same thing and they never did anything new. She disagreed. Monday was art class, Tuesday was Spanish class, Wednesday was swimming glass, you get the picture. So, he counters, yeah, see, everyday is the same, there's never anything new. She counters back, we do different stuff everyday. He counters back, NO WE DON'T!!! That's when she stomped on his foot. He quickly repaid the favor. OK, we're starting to escalate here. This apparently began the crying and gnashing of teeth that thankfully alerted some teachers.
But before the teachers could make it out into the hallway to see what the bloody hell was going on she had managed to punch him in the stomach as hard as she could. YOU GO GIRL!!! Again, he repaid the favor. Imagine two first graders going all North Korea on each other...
From the sounds of it, by the time the teachers made it out into the hallway, she had him by the collar and was spitting in his face!!! OMG, I just love that!!! Had they not been separated this was going to quickly degenerate into head-butting, crotch kicking and rolling around in the hallway like a barrel of rabid cats on diet pills. Fortunately, the school has decided not to do a knee jerk reaction on this and other than a stern "talking to" from the principal (remember those things???) neither of them are getting any real disciplinary action from the school. Although I know in my heart that this is in her PERMANENT RECORD FOLDER!!! And we all know that that shit follows you beyond the grave and into the afterlife. Even if you don't actually believe in an afterlife... That is SO cold!!!
However, her punishment at home has not been so easy. She is currently under house arrest, the TV privileges have been revoked for a WHOLE week and she will be fed nothing but cold gruel (is there really any other kind?) and scraps she can scavage off of the floor or steal from the cat. OK, it's really not THAT bad, but in her mind it is. Remember, she's six... Oh, yeah, and she has to write a letter of apology to the little dude that she beat the shit out of. Again, YOU GO GIRL!!!
The pieces are starting to fall into place for me now. I'm her babysitter of choice, I'm auntie Donn for gods sake. She has been surrounded by the most insane group of 'mo's and dykes since the second she was born. Her toys of choice have always been stuff like train sets, Lincoln logs, race cars, tool belts and farm machinery. She is seriously addicted to heavy duty equipment like bull dozers, earth movers, dump trucks and cranes. She's six and not only gotten into her first fight, she started the damned thing. With a boy. And apparently she won because she got the last spit in!!! OMG, I think we've dyked her...
This "village" of loonies that have helped raise her, coupled with the fact that her parents somehow still consider all of us of her significant others, are so proud of her that it hurts. We may not have brought her over to the "other side" but damn, we all helped give her backbone and taught her how to use it. Over the next 6 years we just hope to teach her how to temper it a bit. Because if she attempts to use one of those "Get Out Of Jail Free" cards I gave her on the night she was born before she's 16, it's gonna be a foot stomping, stomach punching, spitting free-for-all before I post her bail and try to figure out what I say to her parents as I'm driving her home!!! To hell... In a hand basket... As I lie my ass of for her with a look on my face like a deer in headlights... On the brown acid...
Oh yeah, by the way, her new nickname is "Rocky"...
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