The Catch-22's Of 'sconsin...

When the bloody hell did this state turn into Gomerville???   'sconsin used to be sensible.  And safe.  Or at the very least a little bit sane.  Not any more though.  We're so clustered here we couldn't fuck if our lives depended on it.  I swear to god, every time you drop the soap here you've got an elected official sneaking up your ass just to hit you with a new turd tax!!!

We recently passed a new state law that makes it perfectly legal to carry concealed hand guns in public.  As in EVERYWHERE in public.  Schools, hospitals, stores, churches, town hall meetings, bars (never a good idea), public buildings and government buildings.  You name it, if you can GPS it then you can pack heat in it.  Needless to say, license applications poured into court houses from one end of the state to the other like a tsunami.  It seems like every one and their grandmother wanted to get in on that ride.  So much so in fact that the State Attorney General just enacted an official order that resends the mandated 4-hour training course that was required to qualify for the license.  Why?  It was going to cause an "undue financial burden" on the state and would be a "constrictive and invasive burden" on the applicants to have to schedule the time to learn how to properly use a hand gun.  Huh???  A one week waiting period for purchase?  No problem.  A background check?  No problem.  Four hours to learn how to not shoot yourself or your kids?  Now THAT'S a serious violation of your god given right to be stupid!!!  And of course, the local police are dumbfounded at the recent increase of arrests of suspicious individuals in and around the county courthouse.  Who, BTW, are all packing heat.  DUH!!!  Hell, I'm gonna start packing heat myself.  And using it too.  I've got the perfucked alibi now.  I didn't know it was loaded. This thing has a safety???  I didn't know that it was a gun.  Don't ask me, I couldn't see it either.  Ah, yes, four hours very well saved...

As an aside to the above mess, we have the newly elected governor from hell.  He's a bigger ass wipe than Charmin.  He's fucked up every thing he can get his hands on since the day he took office and has driven the citizens of 'sconsin to protest in numbers not seen since the heady days of the late 1960's.  He's so bad that even the Republicans who put him in office hate him.  Of course, he's in the process of being recalled.  His latest "cost saving" maneuver  has been to remove all of the metal detectors and security at the entrances to the Capital building.  Which is where he works.  Hmmm...  Please refer to the previous paragraph...

Necrophilia.  Yes, I know, I hate to keep harping on this one but it just sort of riles me a bit.  It's not against the law in 'sconsin.  Yep, you heard me right.  Humping a has-been is perfectly legal here.  Just as long as you can manage to figure out how to jump through all of the states legal caveats that is.  Want to date a corpse?  No problem.  Want to become engaged to a corpse?  No problem.  Want to marry a corpse?  Again, no problem, just as long as the two of you are of the opposite sex.  (More on that little catch-22 later.)  Want to possess a corpse?  That's a no-no.  Want to dig one up?  That's another no-no.  Want to "defile,  defame or degrade a corpse?  (Yes, they actually do word it like that!!!)  MAJOR no-no!!!  Now, correct me if I'm wrong but to be defiled or defamed don't you have to have something to lose to begin with?  You're a corpse.  You're dead.  Psychologically, isn't your bank account already empty???  And as far as degrading goes, don't corpses already sort of do that  one on their own without the need for any outside help???  This is the most convoluted set of laws and non-laws I have ever seen.  It's like a hiring a security force of eight year olds to guard the Hershey's factory!!!  Here's your badges, boys, just make sure you don't touch anything...

Marriage.  OK, personally I don't believe in it.  Straight or gay.  Legal marriage only leads to legal divorce.  Trust me, the last thing we really need to see is a couple of pissed off, lawyered up queens on opposite sides of the net going after each others Cuisinart in court.  In a valiant attempt to make sure that us gay folks don't try to muscle in on the straights side of the pie we passed a resolution that legally defines marriage as a civil or religious based, performed and recognized contract of union between one man and one woman.  In their minds this does not discriminate against gays it merely takes us out of the running.  Marriage is not a "right", it's just a "service" that we don't biologically qualify for.  Disregard the fact that sexual orientation is one of the many things that cannot be used for the purpose of discrimination or the denial or rights and freedoms under our state constitution.  At any rate, Sea Squirt and I granted and guaranteed each other all of the rights and protections of marriage that we needed just by sitting down with a lawyer for an hour and half and filing some legal paperwork for things like powers of attorney, executorships, inheritance, etc.  Bases covered.  And it still protects my right to toss his ass out onto the street if he doesn't stop leaving those damned used teabags on the counter without the need to hire a lawyer and start claiming dumb ass shit like alienation of affection,  he's a whore or that I have just decided that I want someone who is taller.

In 'sconsin we actually have a law that says individuals are not legally required to carry car insurance.  Odd, I know.  It is followed by a law that says if an individual is involved in a accident, no matter how minor, and does not have insurance that the state has the right to fuck with you for the rest of your life, literally.  Why?  Because you are an ignorant shit head that was stupid enough to take the first law seriously.  This is very akin to the conundrum that a hungry fish must face as it stares at the worm.  Yes, that worm looks damned good but is it good enough to make you want to spend the last few hours of your life in a cooler with the Old Milwaukee???

Why am I required to show any law enforcement officer that asks for it, for any reason, a valid photo ID but the concept of having to show a valid photo ID at a polling place is considered, by our state legislature,  to be some sort of attempted communist take over?

Why does the city council think raising the small business license fees of family owned resale shops from $66 a year to over $500 is the perfect way to keep crackheads from stealing stuff to pawn? 

 I swear, I'm gonna run for public office.  I think my campaign slogan will be "C'mon, How Much Worse Could I Fuck Things Up?"

Sea Squirt Is Convinced That I Am The Anti-Christ...

I suppose it had to happen sooner or later so I resigned myself to my rightful destiny and wear the title proudly.  At the moment I am still waiting for my crown, scepter and cloven-hoofed feet to arrive...

For reasons unknown (I decided not to ask for fear that I would receive an answer) Sea Squirt has recently decided that it would be "fun" to go grocery shopping with me.  Keep in mind that in the 7 years that we have been together he has never accompanied me into a grocery store to do the weekly shopping or as I refer to it, my sojourn into hell.  I do not know where his decision came from but I can only surmise that it is linked to some form of recent blunt head trauma.  Once the shock of his announcement wore off and I had a chance to think about it I actually thought that it could be a good thing.  After all I could plant him at the end of an aisle to guard the cart (with an end cap of bright shiny objects to keep him occupied) while I ran the gauntlet of stupid shoppers, screaming children and cell-phoners on foot to grab the single jar of marinated artichokes from the far end of the aisle that I needed without having to maneuver the cart through the log jam.  Please, don't ask me what I was thinking.

So, off to Woodman's we go.  With me on a mission and him completely lost at sea.  Just so you know, when I go shopping I have a plan.  And a routine.  I have been shopping at Woodman's for 16 years and I know the place like the back of my hand.  My shopping list is organized by the aisle.  I am also armed with my recycled shopping bags, a pen, a calculator, a stack of coupons and more attitude than one human should ever be legally allowed to have.  Sea Squirt, however, was not so prepared.  Did he offer to push the cart?  No.  Did he offer to manage the list?  No.  Did he work the calculator?  No.  The coupons?  No.  What did he do?  Tope me at every opportunity and get smacked in the face with sticker shock:

     "Honey, is butter always this expensive?"

     "Yes, dear."

     "Honey, does orange juice always cost this much?"

     "Yes, dear."

     "Honey, is peanut butter really $5.49 a jar?"

     "Yes, dear."

     "Honey, how come cookies cost this much?"

     "Yes, dear."  As my eyes glazed over.

Did I neglect to mention that we had gone shopping on a Tuesday?  Tuesday is "Senior Day" at Woodman's.  Don't ask me why, it just is.  And they don't even offer any senior discounts.  But the store is always a sea of little blue hairs with their totally disinterested retired husbands in tow who are always just totally lost in the whole adventure.  It was also apparently a  school holiday of some sort because every child in the free world was there with mom.  All of them kicking, screaming, running,  tearing into boxes of cereal or just wandering around in their pajamas.  Yes, their pajamas.  WTF???  Log jam!!!
 
So, we turn into the ethnic aisle and it's just a cluster-fuck of confused gringos blocking the entire aisle.  I groaned.  Then I barked.  Then I got ugly.  I loudly announced "Comin' through!  Comin' through!  Old guy with cancer!  Clock is running!  Comin' through!" and launched the cart into the fray with no concern for the casualties that might ensue.  When I finally made it to the section that I needed I found it blocked by Edna and Earl.  Edna was 112 if she was a day and was having difficulty seeing over the handle of their cart and Earl, who was about 115, had come to a screeching halt directly in front of her and was staring straight up, scratching his head totally confused by the pinatas.  This did not amuse me at all because they were blocking my access to the Maria's, the cajeta and the Crema Media.  I was close to exploding and I turned around to let Sea Squirt know that I was going to kill them.  What do I find?  Sea Squirt pointing up and asking me if we can buy a pinata!!!  OMG.  I had my own personal Earl!!!

For seven years Sea Squirt has heard me bitch like crazy when I get home from shopping, complain about the brain dead people that block aisles and gets a play by play of who I cussed out and who I decided to play "secret shopper" to.  He always thought I was kidding.  He now knows better.  He has heard me tell a 5-year old to shut the fuck up, seen me toss expensive weird shit into other peoples carts just to piss them off after they get home (this last trip the recipient got 3 jars of saffron, total value $58.00), ram someone on a cell phone with my cart and has experienced me letting loose with that "noise from the back of the cave" sound that I learned from my mother when the lady blocking the aisle in front of me thought it would be a good idea to let little Jimmy take his damned sweet time deciding which size box of Coco-Puffs he wanted.  He is amazed that I have not had security called on me or at the very least been punched out a time or two.  I explained to him that as long as I don't touch them then they have to make the first move and that keeps me in the enviable position of being able to claim that I am the innocent victim of shopping-rage and elder abuse.  That, coupled with my amazing ability of have nose bleeds on command should pretty much cover all of my bases...

When we go shopping next week I am going to use one of those motorized carts, wear my sunglasses, pretend to be blind, run the cart into every end cap of stacked canned goods I can find, have Sea Squirt follow me around the store and every time he asks me a question I'm going to look in the other direction and scream "I DON"T LIKE CHEESE!!!  IT BLOCKS ME UP!!!".  I should be back to shopping on my own before the end of the month.  :-)