How come everybody got to have a mid-life crisis but me????

What the bloody hell???  Everyone I know got to have THEIR chronological melt down, why not me???  Did I miss the bus to temporary insanity town or something???  OK, since I have no intention of living to be 114 years old I suppose it is a bit late for me to be thinking about it at the age of 57 but hey, I got screwed out of my time in the sun.

How come I didn't get to buy a yellow Corvette like they did?  I was probably balancing my checkbook...  Where is my smoking hot tattoo of that luscious babe in the bikini riding a torpedo?  More than likely I was pulling an extra shift so I could put a new set of tires on my Yugo...  How come my nipples aren't pierced too?  (BTW, I have three of them.)  Probably doing my laundry...   Why didn't I get to have a torrid affair with some buxom coed half my age?  OK, that one is obvious...  because I'm gayer than springtime.  But what about the sky diving thing?  Oh yeah, I forgot, I'm afraid of falling...  Embezzling money to support my mistress in Argentina?  Who do I look like, the Governor of South Carolina?

My God, I wasted my chance at a mid-life crisis being responsible.  And dependable.  And on time.  Even early.  I've been the "good boy" my whole freaking life!  I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!  I'm going to start shoplifting.  And I'm going to make it look like you're shoplifting too.  I'm going to start making faces at your baby when you're carrying it around in a back pack and make it cry.  And when you turn around I'm going to tell you that your monkey seems to be upset.  And them I'm going to ask you if you have a license for that monkey.  I'm going to put a mariachi ring tone on my cell phone and set the volume to HIGH!!!  And I'm going to set it to repeat a LOT of times too.  I'm going to start keying cars.  No, wait.  Even better, I'm going to start peeing on cars!  When you pull up next to me at a stop light I will have all of the windows rolled down and the Farm Report blaring so loudly on the AM radio that my spare tire is shaking loose in the trunk.  And if you try to question me I will only respond in Spanish.  Weird Spanish.  ¿Este uste embarsada, por favor, senor?  Then I'm going to start gunning my engine and begin making strange sucking noises between my teeth at your wife sitting next to you.  As God is my witness, I'm going to start making Andy Kaufman look like a respectable Republican!!!  OK, now that's an oxymoron if I ever heard one...

Time in the sun:  Ready or not, here comes Daddy!!!  Beware....