Oh yeah, that was a fateful day. One that was to scar cousin Bruce for the rest of his life, both physically and psychologically. I was all of five years old and he was three. We we're all at grandma and grandpa's house for another one of our ever frightening family reunions. Lord, those things were scary. Grandpa and my uncles would raid the chicken house, capture about a dozen hens and systematically wring their heads off by hand while most of me and my cousins would have fun kicking their flopping bodies up and down the driveway until they finally went lifeless. Then my aunts would gather around a large vat of boiling water that my grandma had put by the glider, throw them into it and then happily begin to pluck them before grandma began to gut them. Oh yeah, lots of happy child hood memories in my past... Now you know why I'm the way I am.
While all of this mayhem was going on cousin Bruce and I went down to the barn to pet the horses. I took my new set of water color paints that grandma had bought me from Jesse George's General Store with me. (Can you say Mayberry???) Well, being the free spirited, Isadora Duncan kind of five year old that I was, I decided to create my first Impressionistic masterpiece. On cousin Bruce's private parts. Lord knows how I talked him into dropping his trousers but the next thing you know I was going all Monet on his nether regions. I was mixing those colors like a man possessed. I remember some vibrant yellows, some stunning greens but most of all, what I can only describe as a wonderfully brilliant cerulean blue of unimaginable beauty. All on his little three year old tally-wacker. As I recall, I went all out with that blue. Yes, I really am that gay...
When I was done I was truly impressed. To me it was the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. And I didn't even know what the freaking Sistine Chapel was then. To this day, I still remember cousin Bruce, shorts around his ankles, horrid little plaid shirt held high above his head as he stood on the hay wagon, covered in water colors and me washing out my brushes in the watering trough. A masterpiece if I do say so myself!!! Worthy of the Lourve at least.
OK, so he hops off the hay wagon and wanders off as I put my water color set away. And then I hear a scream from up the hill. Quickly followed by an other scream. It was aunt Betty and my mom. I knew no good could come from this. I poked my head out from around the door and saw Aunt Betty running down the hill. With cousin Bruce, shorts around his ankles, hanging two feet in the air off of her arm being shaken wildly. With my mother in equal pace. All headed toward the barn. Fucking shit, I thought to myself, I'm SO totally boned!!!
Needless to say, this drew a very large crowd of family members. Cousins. Grandparents. And a large contingent of aunts and uncles, all with chickens in various state of disarray clutched in their inbred hands. Oh my god, it was so not pretty. Aunt Betty was shaking poor Bruce like a rag doll (today that would so get her a serious prison term), mom was screaming about as wildly as she always did, Bruce was turning even bluer than I had painted him and I was quickly throwing everything in my hands up into the hayloft. All to no avail, I might add. I was so busted it hurt.
Now, in all honesty, I got off easy. Mom just went totally full blown bat shit crazy on me but I was used to that. Bruce, on the other hand, got the worst of the deal. After Aunt Betty finally got finished hosing him off in the front yard Uncle Calvin actually made him go cut his own switch to be whipped with. That's so fucking cold it just sucks rocks. Who in their right mind gives a three year old a knife to go cut off tree branch so you can cane him with it??? Apparently just about everyone in my family... Ah, the South. I love it.
Now, let's jump ahead about 15 years to cousin Ann's wedding. Bruce is in the wedding party and looking all spiffy in his tuxedo. So, I walk up to him and say, "Hey, Bruce... BLUE!!!". And he collapses to the floor, breaks into tears, pisses his pants and doesn't have a clue in the world why. Wow, some shit just sticks with you forever...
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