Ah yes, an illegal smile. I remember those. Hell, I still occasionally have one. They're fun. Hot dog bun. My sister's a nun.
For those of you who haven't caught on yet you're either WAY too young or you were SO not someone I would have hung out with in college. I kind of remember college. Not really. I had an illegal smile going on for over 4 years. I think I have a degree. Maybe. Who knows... Lord, that was a fun four years. Or five. Or six. I can't remember... Hot dog bun...
In my youth I think I spent more on rolling papers than I did on weed. Yes, that's how cheap weed was back then!!! As I recall it was $12 an OUNCE for domestic shit and $15 to $20 an ounce for the "exotic" stuff like Acapulco Gold, Panama Red and Columbian Gold that you only smoked at concerts. But for that kind of bump in price you had better be immobile for a couple of days. I usually was... Yes, it was a simpler time. And much more inexpensive. Lord, I have smoked some righteous shit in my time!!! I actually remember (not really) some stuff called Alaskan ThunderFuck. Lord, that was a damned GOOD pound!!! I think it lasted me almost a month. I think... Who knows...
Remember acrylic bongs? I do. Kind of. Hot dog bun... I'm sure I was there. Maybe... Who knows...
Anybody out there remember "Honey Slides"? I don't so I know I must have had some. Lots of them. Maybe too many of them... The recipe is available upon request. I think. Maybe.
Brownies??? Oh yeah. Been there, done that. Pancakes and waffles were good too. You would be amazed at what I can do with cookies!!! Fuck the Australians, I do peanut butter proud!!! If you had given me a canister of oatmeal and a pound of raisins I could make you hear colors in about 45 minutes!!! 30 minutes if I had the good stuff.
I've actually managed to attain an illegal smile on MULTIPLE airplanes, AmTrak, the London Underground, a cruise ship, several taxis (both foreign and domestic), the sewers of Paris, the catacombs of Rome, the Great Wall of China, on the back of a camel in Egypt, WAY too many canals in Amsterdam, a bordello in Berlin (don't even ask!!!), the Kentucky Derby, the Indy 500, while straddling several international borders and a couple of times in ladies restrooms. NOW I know what you carry around in those damned purses!!! My most memorable experience? In the balcony of the Sydney Opera House. Gorgeous building and some REALLY good "product". Nice concert too... I think.
At my age I have learned how to turn a palette of things into "utensils" shall we say. BIC pens, pop cans, aluminum foil, paper towel rolls, toilet paper rolls, salt shakers... Hell, once I turned a Trabant into a bong. Which totally pleased the 8 people in the trunk I was smuggling to freedom. Lord, I got stories!!!
Don't even ask me about the 30,000 pounds of smashed bananas!!! It involved a semi-truck, a swimming pool, a blind intersection, Bianca Jagger, a formally two-story house and a couple of drunken Italians. Somethings are just better kept private...
Friday, May 13, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
Vegemite???
OK, so you all know by now that I just love food oddities. Especially the ones that I find when I'm traveling. RE: "The Four Divine Goddesses Ascending Into Heaven". I swear, there hasn't been a foreign country I've been to that I haven't ended up something strange in my mouth. Oh, just stop laughing!!! You know what I mean.
Braised sea slug in Korea (quite good actually, it's ALL about the sauce. Well, the sauces really), something sort of green in Costa Rica (and possibly still moving), the cricket tacos in Mexico (the crickets, by the way, were imported all the way from Oaxaca. They're better down there I guess), the eel pie in England (I don't recommend it... They leave the heads on!!!). But I have to say, Australia was the strangest experience I have ever had. Bar none. All five months of it.
A little background. I went to Australia for a three week vacation and ended up staying 5 months. I love that place but their dietary habits are sort of weird. OK, not to bad mouth them but when your ancestors were part of a massive prisoner relocation program I guess you'll eat just about anything that gets put in front of you.
Botany Bay "Bugs". They're delicious but when the plate is set in front of you... You freak!!! They're crustaceans that bare a striking resemblance to the unholy lovechild of a lobster and the monster from "Alien". Damn good though, as long as you're blindfolded.
Beef. This took me awhile to figure out. America grain feeds its livestock. The rest of the world does not. End result: it tastes like venison from Hurley that has been eating pine cones all of its life. "Gamey" is just not a fully comprehensive term to describe that experience. FYI: look closely at the beef section of the menu and see if it says "All of our steaks are American-style". Porterhouse, please!!!
Ketchup. Don't even get me started on this one. I'm an a American. I put ketchup ON my ketchup!!! They had never heard of it down there. Even in McDonald's. WTF??? I finally found some small bottles of Heinz in a gourmet section of a very upscale grocery store in Canberra. FREAKING $9.00 a bottle. US$!!! I bought a case of it and spent the rest of my stay traveling with it.
M&M Peanuts. Nope. Not a single bag to be found anywhere. Y'know why? They weren't marketed down there. How could Nestle's not market M&M Peanuts in Australia??? YOU GODLESS BASTARDS!!! I felt betrayed, isolated and culled from the herd!!!
Peanut butter. Again, I'm an a American. I ate acres of this stuff as a child. I still do. I had a REALLY bad craving for a PB&J one day and hit the local grocery store to stock up. Not a single freaking jar of the stuff in the jam and jelly aisle. WTF??? In quite resignation I finally grabbed a friendly looking employee and asked where the peanut butter was. Are you ready for this one??? Over in the Baking Supply Aisle!!! OK. ??? This makes as much sense as putting Incontinence Supplies in the same aisle as Seasonal Specials!!! She could not honestly understand why I would mix peanut butter with jelly, especially on a sandwich. And find it enjoyable. She paled at the prospect. To her the only choice was Vegemite. Yes, Vegemite. The Aussie's eat this shit like it was cocaine apparently. She lured me to give it a try. OK, back over to the jelly and jam aisle. I found a HUGE display of it. It looked innocent enough. At first. It's brown. Turd brown to be exact. With about the same texture and consistency. The smell is odd if not totally repugnant. I couldn't quite place it at first but then I tasted it. FMTT!!! I gagged and blew milk out my ears. And I wasn't even drinking milk at the time. (FYI, I had purchased a small jar and was sampling it back at the hotel at the time. What do I look like? A single wide??? I do not sample in the aisle!!!) Who in their right mind would eat this shit??? Imagine an Olympic sized swimming pool. At 112-degrees. With a railroad car full of yeast in it. Now imagine "harvesting" all of the bubbly goo off of the surface and reducing it down into something about the size of a bar of soap. And putting it into a jar on a grocery store shelf. Now imagine spreading that on your breakfast toast and actually eating it. With a happy smile on your face. FUCK NO!!! Vegemite is some SERIOUSLY NASTY ASS stuff. Get this... the stuff is manufactured by Kraft!!! Yes!!! Kraft!!! No wonder the world hates us!!!
Braised sea slug in Korea (quite good actually, it's ALL about the sauce. Well, the sauces really), something sort of green in Costa Rica (and possibly still moving), the cricket tacos in Mexico (the crickets, by the way, were imported all the way from Oaxaca. They're better down there I guess), the eel pie in England (I don't recommend it... They leave the heads on!!!). But I have to say, Australia was the strangest experience I have ever had. Bar none. All five months of it.
A little background. I went to Australia for a three week vacation and ended up staying 5 months. I love that place but their dietary habits are sort of weird. OK, not to bad mouth them but when your ancestors were part of a massive prisoner relocation program I guess you'll eat just about anything that gets put in front of you.
Botany Bay "Bugs". They're delicious but when the plate is set in front of you... You freak!!! They're crustaceans that bare a striking resemblance to the unholy lovechild of a lobster and the monster from "Alien". Damn good though, as long as you're blindfolded.
Beef. This took me awhile to figure out. America grain feeds its livestock. The rest of the world does not. End result: it tastes like venison from Hurley that has been eating pine cones all of its life. "Gamey" is just not a fully comprehensive term to describe that experience. FYI: look closely at the beef section of the menu and see if it says "All of our steaks are American-style". Porterhouse, please!!!
Ketchup. Don't even get me started on this one. I'm an a American. I put ketchup ON my ketchup!!! They had never heard of it down there. Even in McDonald's. WTF??? I finally found some small bottles of Heinz in a gourmet section of a very upscale grocery store in Canberra. FREAKING $9.00 a bottle. US$!!! I bought a case of it and spent the rest of my stay traveling with it.
M&M Peanuts. Nope. Not a single bag to be found anywhere. Y'know why? They weren't marketed down there. How could Nestle's not market M&M Peanuts in Australia??? YOU GODLESS BASTARDS!!! I felt betrayed, isolated and culled from the herd!!!
Peanut butter. Again, I'm an a American. I ate acres of this stuff as a child. I still do. I had a REALLY bad craving for a PB&J one day and hit the local grocery store to stock up. Not a single freaking jar of the stuff in the jam and jelly aisle. WTF??? In quite resignation I finally grabbed a friendly looking employee and asked where the peanut butter was. Are you ready for this one??? Over in the Baking Supply Aisle!!! OK. ??? This makes as much sense as putting Incontinence Supplies in the same aisle as Seasonal Specials!!! She could not honestly understand why I would mix peanut butter with jelly, especially on a sandwich. And find it enjoyable. She paled at the prospect. To her the only choice was Vegemite. Yes, Vegemite. The Aussie's eat this shit like it was cocaine apparently. She lured me to give it a try. OK, back over to the jelly and jam aisle. I found a HUGE display of it. It looked innocent enough. At first. It's brown. Turd brown to be exact. With about the same texture and consistency. The smell is odd if not totally repugnant. I couldn't quite place it at first but then I tasted it. FMTT!!! I gagged and blew milk out my ears. And I wasn't even drinking milk at the time. (FYI, I had purchased a small jar and was sampling it back at the hotel at the time. What do I look like? A single wide??? I do not sample in the aisle!!!) Who in their right mind would eat this shit??? Imagine an Olympic sized swimming pool. At 112-degrees. With a railroad car full of yeast in it. Now imagine "harvesting" all of the bubbly goo off of the surface and reducing it down into something about the size of a bar of soap. And putting it into a jar on a grocery store shelf. Now imagine spreading that on your breakfast toast and actually eating it. With a happy smile on your face. FUCK NO!!! Vegemite is some SERIOUSLY NASTY ASS stuff. Get this... the stuff is manufactured by Kraft!!! Yes!!! Kraft!!! No wonder the world hates us!!!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Gay Divorce For Dummies.
I swear to god, I'm gonna write this book!!!
First and foremost, I am a vehement opponent of gay marriage. There, I've said it. You don't like that??? BITE ME!!! I have a legion of reasons I am against it. Wanna hear them???
1. 52% of straight marriages end in divorce within 5 years. That is NOT a
model I want to emulate.
2. There is nothing that legalized same sex marriage can give me that I
can't do without a lawyer and a couple of legal documents.
3. Legalized gay marriage can only lead to one thing: legalized gay
divorce. In a court room. With lawyers. Not a pretty sight... Think
about it.
I am now happily involved with hubby #4. All is well and oddly enough this is the longest relationship I have ever been in. Coming up on 7 years. I have yet to threaten him with a gun or try to set him on fire. Again, all is well. This may be due to the fact that he is allergic to cats. I don't like cats. Hubbies 1,2 and 3 loved cats. More on this in a bit...
What is mine is mine, what is yours is yours. Just pack it all up in old liquor boxes and get it the hell out of here. THEN we can fight over what we actually managed to acquire together. Which by the way, can be a total pain in the ass. Hubby #3 and I actually got into a knock down drag out brawl over pot holders and a potato masher. Total value: less than $5. What a cluster fuck that was. The only thing that settled it was a good friend coming over, separating us, bitch slapping us both quite soundly and then claiming that the aforementioned items were now hers for all eternity. This was her first experience with a gay breakup. She was appalled but she handled it brilliantly. To this day she still likes to show me the potato masher and giggle. I love her!!!
OK, now back to cats. I don't hate cats, I just don't like them. I'm a dog person. Always have been. To me a cat is just one rung under Satan. Why I hook up with cat queens is beyond my comprehension but I have a history of doing that that goes back to the signing of the Magna Carta. Don't ask me why. It must be a sickness. Or a genetic fault. Or the fact that all of my hubbies have had green eyes. Hell, I'd sell secrets to Russia for green eyes. But I digress...
Cat poop. Yes, I said cat poop. I think a litter box is totally gross. But it does come in handy when the relationship finally breaks down. I don't need lawyers. I don't need a court date. I don't need negotiations. I just need cat poop. After all of the liquor boxes have been packed with stuff, either his or mine, I simply walk up to him, look straight into his green eyes and announce with glee, "I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee" and then I throw cat poop (his cats poop) on his shoe. Short, sweet and very to the point. Done deal. Works perfectly for me. Your sorry ass is SO out of my life!!!
I am not taking that exit again. EVER!!! Much as I am want to. What can I say, no cats are in my perimeter presently... Sea Squirt is apparently safe for the time being...
First and foremost, I am a vehement opponent of gay marriage. There, I've said it. You don't like that??? BITE ME!!! I have a legion of reasons I am against it. Wanna hear them???
1. 52% of straight marriages end in divorce within 5 years. That is NOT a
model I want to emulate.
2. There is nothing that legalized same sex marriage can give me that I
can't do without a lawyer and a couple of legal documents.
3. Legalized gay marriage can only lead to one thing: legalized gay
divorce. In a court room. With lawyers. Not a pretty sight... Think
about it.
I am now happily involved with hubby #4. All is well and oddly enough this is the longest relationship I have ever been in. Coming up on 7 years. I have yet to threaten him with a gun or try to set him on fire. Again, all is well. This may be due to the fact that he is allergic to cats. I don't like cats. Hubbies 1,2 and 3 loved cats. More on this in a bit...
What is mine is mine, what is yours is yours. Just pack it all up in old liquor boxes and get it the hell out of here. THEN we can fight over what we actually managed to acquire together. Which by the way, can be a total pain in the ass. Hubby #3 and I actually got into a knock down drag out brawl over pot holders and a potato masher. Total value: less than $5. What a cluster fuck that was. The only thing that settled it was a good friend coming over, separating us, bitch slapping us both quite soundly and then claiming that the aforementioned items were now hers for all eternity. This was her first experience with a gay breakup. She was appalled but she handled it brilliantly. To this day she still likes to show me the potato masher and giggle. I love her!!!
OK, now back to cats. I don't hate cats, I just don't like them. I'm a dog person. Always have been. To me a cat is just one rung under Satan. Why I hook up with cat queens is beyond my comprehension but I have a history of doing that that goes back to the signing of the Magna Carta. Don't ask me why. It must be a sickness. Or a genetic fault. Or the fact that all of my hubbies have had green eyes. Hell, I'd sell secrets to Russia for green eyes. But I digress...
Cat poop. Yes, I said cat poop. I think a litter box is totally gross. But it does come in handy when the relationship finally breaks down. I don't need lawyers. I don't need a court date. I don't need negotiations. I just need cat poop. After all of the liquor boxes have been packed with stuff, either his or mine, I simply walk up to him, look straight into his green eyes and announce with glee, "I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee" and then I throw cat poop (his cats poop) on his shoe. Short, sweet and very to the point. Done deal. Works perfectly for me. Your sorry ass is SO out of my life!!!
I am not taking that exit again. EVER!!! Much as I am want to. What can I say, no cats are in my perimeter presently... Sea Squirt is apparently safe for the time being...
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
The Great Madison Butter Fire!!!
I swear, this kind of shit can only happen in Madison. Had Sea Squirt not mentioned this to me today I would have had no idea this actually took place. I thought he was yanking my crank at first. Then I did a Google search. Yep, the Great Madison Butter Fire is real and the pictures I found of it are just plain bloody frightening. Think napalm!!!
Twenty years ago today a fire broke out in a cold storage warehouse owned by Oscar Meyer. The building was the size of a football field. Inside was 20 MILLION pounds of butter and an equal amount of lard, cheese and hotdogs. The place was an accident just waiting to happen. And it did. BIG TIME. To the tune of over $100,000,000!!! And that's in 1991 dollars.
This turned out to be the biggest and most expensive fire in Madison's history. This was the deep fryer fire from hell by all accounts. Every fire crew in Madison got involved. And we all know that nothing works better on a grease fire than water... It took them two full days to get the fire under "control" and another full week to finally get it put out. Several fire trucks were totaled due to grease saturation and all of the fire men's uniforms needed to be replaced because they were soaked in butter. That cost of uniform replacement alone was over $500,000!!!
One fire man described it as tsunamis of melted butter. Another fire man was actually trapped up to his neck in a hole full of melted butter and hot dogs. This clogged the storm drains with melted cheese and lard. Apparently when the hot dogs started exploding they came shooting out of the collapsed roof like tracer bullets and flew more than a block away. Residents in the area described it as smelling like a tire fire. Streets for two blocks around were impassable due to the "oil slick" and needed to be pressure steam washed when it was all over. For several months afterwards the entire neighborhood reeked of rancid butter and spoiled meat. There was so much grease coating everything that people's lawns and trees started dieing. So much butter and lard went down the storm drains it actually caused a grease slick on the Yahara River and Lake Monona!!! One report I read quoted the Fire Chief as estimating that they pumped enough water on this fire over the course of 9 days to actually fill the Yahara River several times over!!! The clean up cost on this fire was staggering.
I can't make this stuff up. Really. Yes indeed ladies and germs, Madison truly is 72 square miles surrounded by reality...
Twenty years ago today a fire broke out in a cold storage warehouse owned by Oscar Meyer. The building was the size of a football field. Inside was 20 MILLION pounds of butter and an equal amount of lard, cheese and hotdogs. The place was an accident just waiting to happen. And it did. BIG TIME. To the tune of over $100,000,000!!! And that's in 1991 dollars.
This turned out to be the biggest and most expensive fire in Madison's history. This was the deep fryer fire from hell by all accounts. Every fire crew in Madison got involved. And we all know that nothing works better on a grease fire than water... It took them two full days to get the fire under "control" and another full week to finally get it put out. Several fire trucks were totaled due to grease saturation and all of the fire men's uniforms needed to be replaced because they were soaked in butter. That cost of uniform replacement alone was over $500,000!!!
One fire man described it as tsunamis of melted butter. Another fire man was actually trapped up to his neck in a hole full of melted butter and hot dogs. This clogged the storm drains with melted cheese and lard. Apparently when the hot dogs started exploding they came shooting out of the collapsed roof like tracer bullets and flew more than a block away. Residents in the area described it as smelling like a tire fire. Streets for two blocks around were impassable due to the "oil slick" and needed to be pressure steam washed when it was all over. For several months afterwards the entire neighborhood reeked of rancid butter and spoiled meat. There was so much grease coating everything that people's lawns and trees started dieing. So much butter and lard went down the storm drains it actually caused a grease slick on the Yahara River and Lake Monona!!! One report I read quoted the Fire Chief as estimating that they pumped enough water on this fire over the course of 9 days to actually fill the Yahara River several times over!!! The clean up cost on this fire was staggering.
I can't make this stuff up. Really. Yes indeed ladies and germs, Madison truly is 72 square miles surrounded by reality...
Friday, April 29, 2011
This Wedding Is Just Out Of Control!!!
OK, I think Kate (now HRH Princess Katherine) Middleton is a smashing little dish of porridge and that Prince William is the most "normal" Windsor I have seen in my lifetime. As Patsy Stone was want to say "Oh, yes, the Royals. Every 4 or 5 generations they're forced to shag a commoner just to maintain bone structure!!!" It's true! That clan is more inbred than Mexican street dogs. But I digress...
She had three completely different custom designed wedding dresses. Two as backup in case the main one got leaked to the press. I don't even want to know the cost of that fashionista debacle...
This wedding is big. BIG!!! Westminster Abbey. 1600 guests. 600 of which are invited to the reception at the palace. 300 of which get to come to the dinner that follows. How the hell did the Queen narrow that down??? Hey, thanks for filling some seats at the Abbey, don't want to see most of you at the reception and then we are "escorting" half of you out afterwards. Thanks for the gifts but don't expect dinner??? Oh well, so much for Royal etiquette...
Speaking of Royal etiquette... guess where Kate's parents are staying at right now??? A hotel two blocks from the palace. Yep. Buckingham Palace has 58 full bedroom suites and 78 bathrooms and the soon to be inlaws are at a hotel??? That's rude!!! Even for the Windsor's. Your Majesty, the Clampett's are here...
Did you see the "foliage" inside the abbey? Four TONS (yes, TONS) of flowers and a double row of trees 300 feet long up the aisle. Estimated cost: $150,000 US. That's a freaking house!!!
The cost of security (all of it double time) and cleanup in the streets is staggering.
The Windsor's are pulling out all of the stops on this one to be sure. This is more than pomp and circumstance, this is more than the GNP of Sri Lanka for god's sake. Security has to be insane. What were they thinking of when they invited the Ambassador of Syria??? Ahh, yes, former British possession. Yet, the Obama's got snubbed by protocol. I hope they send an assorted basket of goodies from Family Dollar and a $50 gift card from Target. Which, BTW, has no outlets in England. BITE ME!!!
I was up at 4 AM watching the live coverage from London. I wanted to see that dress!!! If it involved 8 million dead silk worms and a hectare of dead oysters worth of pearls I would puke. I wanted to see something new. Something contemporary. Something PERSONAL!!! Something Kate!!! And I'll be damned, she did it. That girl has style!!!
The reception is destined to be a bit of nightmare and David Lench in a blender. The dinner for 300 "select" guests afterwards is rumored to be costing about $100,000 US. Do the math, that's over $300 per guest. WTF are they eating??? Gold??? I wonder if this was an open bar thing... The bash after dinner had to be a hoot. It was held in the throne room and was organized by Kate's younger sister. She actually managed to hang disco balls in the throne room!!! I LOVE IT!!! Ya think they danced to "YMCA"??? Prince William fought for this because in his words, they both needed a place to properly let their hair down. Have you seen his hairline lately???
Oh, yeah, BTW, after some number crunching a lot of reports are coming in that say when all is said and done this little soire is going to end up costing somewhere around (hang on to your hats. And lord weren't there some UGLY ones of those at this wedding???) $6,000,000,000 US. Yes, you heard me right, 6 BILLION!!! Sri Lanka is just shrugging it's shoulders...
She had three completely different custom designed wedding dresses. Two as backup in case the main one got leaked to the press. I don't even want to know the cost of that fashionista debacle...
This wedding is big. BIG!!! Westminster Abbey. 1600 guests. 600 of which are invited to the reception at the palace. 300 of which get to come to the dinner that follows. How the hell did the Queen narrow that down??? Hey, thanks for filling some seats at the Abbey, don't want to see most of you at the reception and then we are "escorting" half of you out afterwards. Thanks for the gifts but don't expect dinner??? Oh well, so much for Royal etiquette...
Speaking of Royal etiquette... guess where Kate's parents are staying at right now??? A hotel two blocks from the palace. Yep. Buckingham Palace has 58 full bedroom suites and 78 bathrooms and the soon to be inlaws are at a hotel??? That's rude!!! Even for the Windsor's. Your Majesty, the Clampett's are here...
Did you see the "foliage" inside the abbey? Four TONS (yes, TONS) of flowers and a double row of trees 300 feet long up the aisle. Estimated cost: $150,000 US. That's a freaking house!!!
The cost of security (all of it double time) and cleanup in the streets is staggering.
The Windsor's are pulling out all of the stops on this one to be sure. This is more than pomp and circumstance, this is more than the GNP of Sri Lanka for god's sake. Security has to be insane. What were they thinking of when they invited the Ambassador of Syria??? Ahh, yes, former British possession. Yet, the Obama's got snubbed by protocol. I hope they send an assorted basket of goodies from Family Dollar and a $50 gift card from Target. Which, BTW, has no outlets in England. BITE ME!!!
I was up at 4 AM watching the live coverage from London. I wanted to see that dress!!! If it involved 8 million dead silk worms and a hectare of dead oysters worth of pearls I would puke. I wanted to see something new. Something contemporary. Something PERSONAL!!! Something Kate!!! And I'll be damned, she did it. That girl has style!!!
The reception is destined to be a bit of nightmare and David Lench in a blender. The dinner for 300 "select" guests afterwards is rumored to be costing about $100,000 US. Do the math, that's over $300 per guest. WTF are they eating??? Gold??? I wonder if this was an open bar thing... The bash after dinner had to be a hoot. It was held in the throne room and was organized by Kate's younger sister. She actually managed to hang disco balls in the throne room!!! I LOVE IT!!! Ya think they danced to "YMCA"??? Prince William fought for this because in his words, they both needed a place to properly let their hair down. Have you seen his hairline lately???
Oh, yeah, BTW, after some number crunching a lot of reports are coming in that say when all is said and done this little soire is going to end up costing somewhere around (hang on to your hats. And lord weren't there some UGLY ones of those at this wedding???) $6,000,000,000 US. Yes, you heard me right, 6 BILLION!!! Sri Lanka is just shrugging it's shoulders...
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Hot Dawgs!!! Amour Hot Dawgs!!!
I hate this company!!! Even more than Oscar Meyer. And that says a LOT!!! Yes, I LOVE hot dogs. Hell, who doesn't? I've long said that I sleep better at night once I've had a bit of sausage in me... Oh, just get over it!!!
But their theme song was dreadful. And sexist. And a bit creepy.
"Hot dogs! Amour hot dogs!
What kind of kids eat Armour hot dogs?
Fat kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on rocks,
Tough kids, sissy kids even kids with chicken pox
love hot dogs, Armour hot dogs,
the dog kids love to bite!"
What the bloody fuck was up with that??? FAT kids??? SISSY kids??? Chicken pox??? Yeah, nothing sells a food item faster than incorporating obesity, sexual orientation and disease!!! Especially disease. Hey, these things go great with pickles and penicillin!!!
Hot Dogs bring more than just awesome phallic jokes- they bring smiles from Hayward to Beloit. Since Chicago is to Hot Dogs like Boston is to obnoxious Sports fans or Baltimore is to critically acclaimed but under watched HBO shows; I feel very qualified to preach the virtues of the Hot Dog. Here is a very brief timeline of the Hot Dog.
But their theme song was dreadful. And sexist. And a bit creepy.
"Hot dogs! Amour hot dogs!
What kind of kids eat Armour hot dogs?
Fat kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on rocks,
Tough kids, sissy kids even kids with chicken pox
love hot dogs, Armour hot dogs,
the dog kids love to bite!"
What the bloody fuck was up with that??? FAT kids??? SISSY kids??? Chicken pox??? Yeah, nothing sells a food item faster than incorporating obesity, sexual orientation and disease!!! Especially disease. Hey, these things go great with pickles and penicillin!!!
Hot Dogs bring more than just awesome phallic jokes- they bring smiles from Hayward to Beloit. Since Chicago is to Hot Dogs like Boston is to obnoxious Sports fans or Baltimore is to critically acclaimed but under watched HBO shows; I feel very qualified to preach the virtues of the Hot Dog. Here is a very brief timeline of the Hot Dog.
- 1000 B.C. The first semblance of a Hot Dog was made in Ancient China. Called “Honorable meal for an elder to eat by the reeds of the river” it was rumored to be dragon meat on a rice patty sprinkled with Opium. Soon they got rid of the meat and patty and just kept the Opium- people were fine with it.
- 1894- Hot Dogs were introduced at the Chicago Worlds Fair by Eli Whitney as a means to combat consumption. Its medical side effects were later discredited but 9 out 10 ten doctors agreed it was delicious
-1908 President Taft makes the Hot Dog the “The official food of the President” (Although to be fair he gave pretty much every food that title..fat jokes!)
-1945 Normandy Beach- General Eisenhower feeds his troops Hot Dogs because of their convenience and nutrition. After their victory Eisenhower proclaims it “Hot Dog Day” which then changed to “Dog Day” then finally it was come to known as “D-Day”
-November 3rd 1948 The Chicago Tribune accidentally prints the headline “Dewey gives Truman a Hot Dog”
- 1964 Martin Luther King gives his inspiring “Hot Dog at the top of Mountain” speech in Alabama. The next day LBJ signs the Civil Rights Act.
- 1998- The Starr Report’s Clinton/Lewinsky Hot Dog excerpt provides a year of punch lines for SNL, Letterman, and Leno.
I know you most of my readers can't read or write but History speaks for itself. Here is some more proof of Hot Dog’s greatness
Meals on Wheels: The Weiner Mobile. The coolest car on the road- when you see it- it makes your day. Plus it runs on dreams and dreams don’t emit any carbon dioxide. And it's based here in Madison. I've been inside it. I have a Weiner Whistle!!!
Star Power. Kobayashi is the biggest star in the world. In 2004 he made more money than Tiger Woods and Jennifer Garner combined. According to this poll I just made up he is 40 percent more recognizable than Secretary of the Interior Kenneth Salazar.
Personally, I am a fan of Hebrew Nationals. The all beef ones. They're Kosher. They plump up. I love a sausage that plumps up. Sorry, Sea Squirt, but I was born into the faith and I love nothing better than a bit of kindred spirit slipping into my buns. It's nothing personal. Think of it as my heritage. Granted, a weird heritage but a heritage nonetheless. Hell, what else do I have to hang onto except a sausage???
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Maotai!!!
This is SO my kind of liquor. It's not smooth. It's not mellow. It's not kind. And it's certainly not in the least bit palatable. It has a "nose" somewhere between turpentine and cat urine and a taste bud and mucous membrane factor close to kerosene. But my god, this shit will not only knock your socks off it will actually dissolve them!!! It's China's version of Everclear. Only better. Sort of... This stuff is distilled from fermented sorghum and then flavored with soy sauce. Yummy!!! That alone is enough scare Grannie Clampett back to the hills. Hell, she could have used this stuff to scour the cee-ment pond!!!
I first discovered maotai while in Quilin, China back in 1988 at a small "tourist" restaurant I was having dinner at. My waiter was so impressed by my having eaten an entire plate of the "Four Divine Goddesses Ascending Into Heaven" without hurling that he suggested I clear my palette with shot or two, or three of the local liquor. (BTW, the Four Divine Goddesses consisted of snake, cat, field rat, which is less gamey than city rat apparently, and black dog. EWW!!!) Of course I naively think, what the hell, why not. When in Rome, right? Shortly he brings a fifth of maotai to my table. Oh, yeah... I was in serious trouble. And I knew it.
The Chinese love this stuff. In large amounts. If it's a special occasion then rounds of shots get consumed in rapid succession. Remember back in 1972 when Nixon went to China? Remember that famous photo of him at a banquet with Mao Zedong? They had just finished a toast and the look on his and Pat's faces where frightening, even for the Nixon's. Yeah, they had just knocked back a big shot of maotai. Dick turned blue and puffed up and Pat's perm went limp. Ah, such is diplomacy...
Now, the Chinese are crafty with maotai. When you crack open a bottle it is meant to be consumed. Completely. The bottlers have managed to figure out a way to put a cap on the bottle that does not fit back on after you open it AND to make the bottom of the bottle rounded so you can't set it down again to save your life. Initially I found that sort of annoying but after shot number 5 me and maotai were BFF!!! Half an hour later I had two other tables drunk on their asses and we were all happily toasting everything we could still manage to focus on. Lamps, napkins, the dragon mural behind the cash register and even a urinal as I remember. Then the "singing" started. My rendition of "Three Little Maids From School Are We" from the Mikado was so well received I was given a somewhat standing ovation by my drunken compatriots. Though the highlight of the entertainment, I have to say, was when two guys got up, grabbed a less than willing bus-boy and valiantly tried to make it through "Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy" by the Andrews Sisters but kept mixing it up with "Bad Girls" by Donna Summer every so often. Needless to say, the maotai was flowing like xiangshui. Around about 1 AM we were all finally forced to vacate the premises. I can't imagine why. I happily stumbled out into the parking lot with an order of the "Four Divine Goddesses" to go and two fresh bottles of maotai in my camera case. I woke up my driver in the back seat and soon found myself snug in my bed back at the Glorious People's Republic Holiday Inn. All was right with the world...
Well, not quite. No one had managed to inform me of the "sucker punch-curve ball-blunt force trauma" side effect that maotai is famous for. About 4 AM I was literally kicked awake by the most obnoxious smell I have ever experienced and my bed looked like someone had dumped a kiddy pool onto it. Yes, I was experiencing what the locals commonly call the maotai "sweats". I was l oozing the stuff. Along with snake, rat, cat and black dog. HFS!!! I smelt like a factory farm of dead chickens in Arkansas in August. Coupled with a small fire just to add the stench of burning feathers to it. I staggered out onto the balcony, puked down into the swimming pool and then showered for two hours. None of which, BTW, did any good. I freaking reeked!!! I actually stained the towels!!! It only gets worse...
Later that morning on my way down to the lobby to catch my car everybody got off of the elevator when I got on, guests in the lobby parted like the Red Sea as I approached and my driver kept all of the windows rolled down the entire time he was driving me to Reed Flute Cave. This was starting to get embarrassing to say the least. And, yes, I did say Reed Flute CAVE. Yes, CAVE. Those of you out there that know me well are very aware of my total, complete and other-worldly fear of enclosed spaces and of being underground. Yeah, this was going to be fun. Reed Flute Cave was one of my bucket list things and come hell or high water I was going to see that thing. No matter how much my psyche was shredding my frontal lobes and asking me what the bloody fuck are you thinking dude!?!?! Me and a cave? Not a pretty picture. Me, a cave and the stench of the aftermath of Gettysburg? Can you say "enclosed space"??? With the gentle prodding of a ten-foot pole I crawled into the cave. The guide with the pole behind me was gagging. Oh, hell, I was gagging. I smelled like road kill. Last Monday's road kill.
About a half of a kilometer later I finally emerge into the cave. I'm covered in mud, I look like Swamp-Thing and I smell like the Taliban just took out a sewage treatment plant. Half of a guided tour of Austrians collapsed, the pond began to congeal, a couple of millennia old stalagmites gave up the ghost and most of the accent lighting exploded. Which by the way only served to plunge me into darkness. Underground. In a cave. Bottom line, I started shrieking like a little girl and proceeded to wet myself. Great, let's just add another unappealing component to my fragrance... Oh, yeah, I was pretty.
Upon exiting the cave my driver refused to let me get into the car unless I wrapped myself in a large plastic tarp that he had in the trunk. Again, the trip back to the hotel was with the windows open. Which thankfully sort of dried me off. But that only made me look like one of the Mud Men from New Guinea. As a courtesy I took the stair back up to my room. My god, I looked like the character Gimme from the "United States of Tara"!!! I threw my clothes off of the balcony into the pool, hosed down in the shower, grabbed the "Four Divine Goddesses" out of the fridge, sat down on the floor naked, cracked open another bottle of maotai and started to cry. What can I say, I was in need of some comfort food...
I first discovered maotai while in Quilin, China back in 1988 at a small "tourist" restaurant I was having dinner at. My waiter was so impressed by my having eaten an entire plate of the "Four Divine Goddesses Ascending Into Heaven" without hurling that he suggested I clear my palette with shot or two, or three of the local liquor. (BTW, the Four Divine Goddesses consisted of snake, cat, field rat, which is less gamey than city rat apparently, and black dog. EWW!!!) Of course I naively think, what the hell, why not. When in Rome, right? Shortly he brings a fifth of maotai to my table. Oh, yeah... I was in serious trouble. And I knew it.
The Chinese love this stuff. In large amounts. If it's a special occasion then rounds of shots get consumed in rapid succession. Remember back in 1972 when Nixon went to China? Remember that famous photo of him at a banquet with Mao Zedong? They had just finished a toast and the look on his and Pat's faces where frightening, even for the Nixon's. Yeah, they had just knocked back a big shot of maotai. Dick turned blue and puffed up and Pat's perm went limp. Ah, such is diplomacy...
Now, the Chinese are crafty with maotai. When you crack open a bottle it is meant to be consumed. Completely. The bottlers have managed to figure out a way to put a cap on the bottle that does not fit back on after you open it AND to make the bottom of the bottle rounded so you can't set it down again to save your life. Initially I found that sort of annoying but after shot number 5 me and maotai were BFF!!! Half an hour later I had two other tables drunk on their asses and we were all happily toasting everything we could still manage to focus on. Lamps, napkins, the dragon mural behind the cash register and even a urinal as I remember. Then the "singing" started. My rendition of "Three Little Maids From School Are We" from the Mikado was so well received I was given a somewhat standing ovation by my drunken compatriots. Though the highlight of the entertainment, I have to say, was when two guys got up, grabbed a less than willing bus-boy and valiantly tried to make it through "Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy" by the Andrews Sisters but kept mixing it up with "Bad Girls" by Donna Summer every so often. Needless to say, the maotai was flowing like xiangshui. Around about 1 AM we were all finally forced to vacate the premises. I can't imagine why. I happily stumbled out into the parking lot with an order of the "Four Divine Goddesses" to go and two fresh bottles of maotai in my camera case. I woke up my driver in the back seat and soon found myself snug in my bed back at the Glorious People's Republic Holiday Inn. All was right with the world...
Well, not quite. No one had managed to inform me of the "sucker punch-curve ball-blunt force trauma" side effect that maotai is famous for. About 4 AM I was literally kicked awake by the most obnoxious smell I have ever experienced and my bed looked like someone had dumped a kiddy pool onto it. Yes, I was experiencing what the locals commonly call the maotai "sweats". I was l oozing the stuff. Along with snake, rat, cat and black dog. HFS!!! I smelt like a factory farm of dead chickens in Arkansas in August. Coupled with a small fire just to add the stench of burning feathers to it. I staggered out onto the balcony, puked down into the swimming pool and then showered for two hours. None of which, BTW, did any good. I freaking reeked!!! I actually stained the towels!!! It only gets worse...
Later that morning on my way down to the lobby to catch my car everybody got off of the elevator when I got on, guests in the lobby parted like the Red Sea as I approached and my driver kept all of the windows rolled down the entire time he was driving me to Reed Flute Cave. This was starting to get embarrassing to say the least. And, yes, I did say Reed Flute CAVE. Yes, CAVE. Those of you out there that know me well are very aware of my total, complete and other-worldly fear of enclosed spaces and of being underground. Yeah, this was going to be fun. Reed Flute Cave was one of my bucket list things and come hell or high water I was going to see that thing. No matter how much my psyche was shredding my frontal lobes and asking me what the bloody fuck are you thinking dude!?!?! Me and a cave? Not a pretty picture. Me, a cave and the stench of the aftermath of Gettysburg? Can you say "enclosed space"??? With the gentle prodding of a ten-foot pole I crawled into the cave. The guide with the pole behind me was gagging. Oh, hell, I was gagging. I smelled like road kill. Last Monday's road kill.
About a half of a kilometer later I finally emerge into the cave. I'm covered in mud, I look like Swamp-Thing and I smell like the Taliban just took out a sewage treatment plant. Half of a guided tour of Austrians collapsed, the pond began to congeal, a couple of millennia old stalagmites gave up the ghost and most of the accent lighting exploded. Which by the way only served to plunge me into darkness. Underground. In a cave. Bottom line, I started shrieking like a little girl and proceeded to wet myself. Great, let's just add another unappealing component to my fragrance... Oh, yeah, I was pretty.
Upon exiting the cave my driver refused to let me get into the car unless I wrapped myself in a large plastic tarp that he had in the trunk. Again, the trip back to the hotel was with the windows open. Which thankfully sort of dried me off. But that only made me look like one of the Mud Men from New Guinea. As a courtesy I took the stair back up to my room. My god, I looked like the character Gimme from the "United States of Tara"!!! I threw my clothes off of the balcony into the pool, hosed down in the shower, grabbed the "Four Divine Goddesses" out of the fridge, sat down on the floor naked, cracked open another bottle of maotai and started to cry. What can I say, I was in need of some comfort food...
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