Vegemite???

OK, so you all know by now that I just love food oddities.  Especially the ones that I find when I'm traveling.  RE: "The Four Divine Goddesses Ascending Into Heaven".  I swear, there hasn't been a foreign country I've been to that I haven't ended up something strange in my mouth.  Oh, just stop laughing!!!  You know what I mean.

Braised sea slug in Korea (quite good actually, it's ALL about the sauce.  Well, the sauces really),  something sort of green in Costa Rica (and possibly still moving),  the cricket tacos in Mexico (the crickets, by the way,  were imported all the way from Oaxaca.  They're better down there I guess),  the eel pie in England (I don't recommend it...  They leave the heads on!!!).  But I have to say, Australia was the strangest experience I have ever had.  Bar none.  All five months of it.

A little background.  I went to Australia for a three week vacation and ended up staying 5 months.  I love that place but their dietary habits are sort of weird.  OK, not to bad mouth them but when your ancestors were part of a massive prisoner relocation program I guess you'll eat just about anything that gets put in front of you.

Botany Bay "Bugs".  They're delicious but when the plate is set in front of you...  You freak!!!  They're crustaceans that bare a striking resemblance to the unholy lovechild of a lobster and the monster from "Alien".  Damn good though, as long as you're blindfolded.

Beef.  This took me awhile to figure out.  America grain feeds its livestock.  The rest of the world does not.  End result:  it tastes like venison from Hurley that has been eating pine cones all of its life.  "Gamey" is just not a fully comprehensive term to describe that experience.  FYI:  look closely at the beef section of the menu and see if it says "All of our steaks are American-style".  Porterhouse, please!!!

Ketchup.  Don't even get me started on this one.  I'm an a American.  I put ketchup ON my ketchup!!!  They had never heard of it down there.  Even in McDonald's.  WTF???  I finally found some small bottles of Heinz in a gourmet section of a very upscale grocery store in Canberra.  FREAKING $9.00 a bottle.  US$!!!  I bought a case of it and spent the rest of my stay traveling with it.

M&M Peanuts.  Nope.  Not a single bag to be found anywhere.  Y'know why?  They weren't marketed down there.  How could Nestle's not market M&M Peanuts in Australia???  YOU GODLESS BASTARDS!!!  I felt betrayed, isolated and culled from the herd!!!

Peanut butter.  Again, I'm an a American.  I ate acres of this stuff as a child.  I still do.  I had a REALLY bad craving for a PB&J one day and hit the local grocery store to stock up.  Not a single freaking jar of the stuff in the jam and jelly aisle.  WTF???  In quite resignation I finally grabbed a friendly looking employee and asked where the peanut butter was.  Are you ready for this one???  Over in the Baking Supply Aisle!!!  OK.  ???  This makes as much sense as putting Incontinence Supplies in the same aisle as Seasonal Specials!!!  She could not honestly understand why I would mix peanut butter with jelly, especially on a sandwich.  And find it enjoyable.  She paled at the prospect.  To her the only choice was Vegemite.  Yes, Vegemite.  The Aussie's eat this shit like it was cocaine apparently.  She lured me to give it a try.  OK, back over to the jelly and jam aisle.  I found a HUGE display of it.  It looked innocent enough.  At first.  It's brown.  Turd brown to be exact.  With about the same texture and consistency.  The smell is odd if not totally repugnant.  I couldn't quite place it at first but then I tasted it.  FMTT!!!  I gagged and blew milk out my ears.  And I wasn't even drinking milk at the time.  (FYI, I had purchased a small jar and was sampling it back at the hotel at the time.  What do I look like?  A single wide???  I do not sample in the aisle!!!)  Who in their right mind would eat this shit???   Imagine an Olympic sized swimming pool.  At 112-degrees.  With a railroad car full of yeast in it.  Now imagine "harvesting" all of the bubbly goo off of the surface and reducing it down into something about the size of a bar of soap.  And putting it into a jar on a grocery store shelf.  Now imagine spreading that on your breakfast toast and actually eating it.  With a happy smile on your face.  FUCK NO!!!  Vegemite is some SERIOUSLY NASTY ASS stuff.  Get this... the stuff is manufactured by Kraft!!!  Yes!!!  Kraft!!!  No wonder the world hates us!!!