AH, 'sconsin. We're not just a state, we're a state of mind. A pretty unbalanced one too from what I can see. We do some pretty strange shit here. Most of it just for entertainment value but some of it for reasons I cannot for the life of me figure out.
First off, this weekend is Brat Fest. Madison plays host to the largest Brat Fest in the WORLD!!! This is a serious "event" that started out years ago in the parking lot of a local grocery store that served them drive-thru style and that now takes over the entirety of Willow Island. Four different band stages, a small amusement park, WAY too many inflatable bouncy tent thingies and the worlds largest (i.e. drivable) charcoal-fired bbq grill. It's a specially designed full size tanker trailer hooked up to huge semi truck. Only in 'sconsin... The beer tent is about the size of basketball court (this is 'sconsin after all) and the wine tent is about the size of two tennis courts (this is Madison after all and we love showing the world how cultured and refined we are. As we swill our 6oz, $7 Fume Blanc from a plastic cup). This weekend we will try to break last years all time sales record. Can you say just shy of 210,000 brats in 3 and a half days???
Then there is the EAA Convention. That's the Experimental Aircraft Association up in Oshkosh. I don't know about you but I just don't like the sound of "aircraft" and "experimental" used in the same sentence. That is form of lunacy that deserves it's own Darwin Awards show. People fly their planes into this thing from all over the world. For one week Wittman Field officially becomes the busiest airport on the face of the planet traffic wise. Imagine combining the total traffic of Atlanta Hartsfield, Chicago O'Hare and Houston Intercontinental. Now imagine it all coming and going out of an airport that was designed to serve a city of 70,000!!! This thing is entertaining even if you don't go. Why? Wisconsin lapses into a betting pool frenzy that week. Why? Because since this thing started back in the early 1970's there hasn't been a single year without a fatality or two. Hell yes, we bet on stuff like that!!! What day, single engine, double engine, lawn mower engine (it's happened!!!), propeller driven, jet driven, mid-air collision, pilot error or mechanical failure (wrong kind of glue???). Hell, with a spread like that I'll even put a couple of bucks down on it!!!
All of our ancestors are from places like Germany, Poland, Bavaria, Slovakia, Bohemia or from some hellish place in Scandahoovia so we're from pretty hardy (if not somewhat inbred) stock. And how do we honor our past? We do stupid shit like make dandelion wine and smoke fish!!! OK, I can kind of understand the dandelion wine thing. Since it's impossible to kill the damn things why not figure out some way of at least getting a good buzz off of them. But smoking fish??? I still can't figure out how people manage to keep them lit. What must their ashtrays look like???
During our "Second Season", winter, we tend to split into two camps. One is sort of whimsical and the other is just plain nuts. Winter here brings two time honored traditions: as soon as Lake Monona freezes over, out of nowhere a half-size replica of the right arm (complete with torch) of the Statue of Liberty appears about 300 feet off shore and the anglers hit the ice with a vengeance. Hundreds of fishing shanties pop up on the ice, holes are drilled and the lines are dropped. Keep in mind they are fishing on a lake that is so polluted that they can't even eat their catch. This is fun to you guys??? How bad are your marriages that this is an attractive alternative??? We do however all share one common bond. Friday Night Fish Fry!!! It is not a tradition as much as it is an addiction. I once drove thru a blizzard that was so bad it was white out conditions just to get some beer battered lake perch at the local VFW. You know what I found when I finally got there? An HOUR wait!!! HARDY stock, what can I say?
The State Fair... Oh god... Under the state constitution all citizens attending the fair are required to "dress down" as much as humanly possible. This is where 'sconsinites excel. If you are female and weigh a minimum of three hundred pounds it's a tube top and hot pants. If you are male and a minimum of 300 pounds it's cut-off bibbed overalls, cowboy boots and shirtless. The more tatooes you have the skimpier you dress because you are wildly proud of how badly you have managed to mutilate your body. WAY, WAY, WAY too much tie-dye freely walking around. With a flowered head band and a fresh cream puff in each hand we proudly wander (and clog) the Midway. And yes, one of those pine tree shaped car air fresheners do make a perfect necklace. It's like a David Lynch movie where the wardrobe department was blind. I once saw a woman there in a two-piece bathing suit and flip-flops. And the top and bottom didn't even match. My god, the show animals over in the Livestock Hall are better groomed!!!
I love 'sconsin. I wouldn't live anywhere else. Well, maybe Mars... I fit right in here. But I think that's only because I spent extended periods of time locked in a closet as a child. AH, yes, my formative years. I knew they would pay off eventually...
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