Gay Divorce For Dummies.

I swear to god, I'm gonna write this book!!!

First and foremost, I am a vehement opponent of gay marriage.  There, I've said it.  You don't like that???  BITE ME!!!  I have a legion of reasons I am against it.   Wanna hear them???

1.  52% of straight marriages end in divorce within 5 years.  That is NOT a
     model I want to emulate.

2.  There is nothing that legalized same sex marriage can give me that I
     can't do without a lawyer and a couple of legal documents.

3.  Legalized gay marriage can only lead to one thing:  legalized gay
     divorce.  In a court room.  With lawyers.  Not a pretty sight...  Think
     about it.

I am now happily involved with hubby #4.   All is well and oddly enough this is the longest relationship I have ever been in.  Coming up on 7 years.  I have yet to threaten him with a gun or try to set him on fire.  Again, all is well.  This may be due to the fact that he is allergic to cats.  I don't like cats.  Hubbies 1,2 and 3 loved cats.  More on this in a bit...

What is mine is mine, what is yours is yours.  Just pack it all up in old liquor boxes and get it the hell out of here.  THEN we can fight over what we actually managed to acquire together.  Which by the way, can be a total pain in the ass.  Hubby #3 and I actually got into a knock down drag out brawl over pot holders and a potato masher.  Total value: less than $5.  What a cluster fuck that was.  The only thing that settled it was a good friend coming over, separating us, bitch slapping us both quite soundly and then claiming that  the aforementioned  items were now hers for all eternity.  This was her first experience with a gay breakup.  She was appalled but she handled it brilliantly.  To this day she still likes to show me the potato masher and giggle.  I love her!!!

OK, now back to cats.  I don't hate cats, I just don't like them.  I'm a dog person.   Always have been.  To me a cat is just one rung under Satan.  Why I hook up with cat queens is beyond my comprehension but I have a history of doing that that goes back to the signing of the Magna Carta.  Don't ask me why.  It must be a sickness.  Or a genetic fault.   Or the fact that all of my hubbies have had green eyes.  Hell, I'd sell secrets to Russia for green eyes.  But I digress...

Cat poop.  Yes, I said cat poop.  I think a litter box is totally gross.  But it does come in handy when the relationship finally breaks down.   I don't need lawyers.  I don't need a court date.  I don't need negotiations.  I just need cat poop.  After all of the liquor boxes have been packed with stuff, either his or mine, I simply walk up to him, look straight into his green eyes and announce with glee, "I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee" and then I throw cat poop (his cats poop) on his shoe.  Short, sweet and very to the point.  Done deal.  Works perfectly for me.  Your sorry ass is SO out of my life!!!

I am not taking that exit again.  EVER!!!  Much as I am want to.  What can I say, no cats are in my perimeter presently...   Sea Squirt is apparently safe for the time being...