So, a couple of weeks ago Sea Squirt and I got together with his older sister, his younger sister, two of his nieces and one of his great-nieces for an early dinner. I was seated next to his great-niece, who by the way is a total knock out and very nice, who was texting her fingers off on her cell phone. Finally, it sunk in to me... GREAT-NIECE. Holy shit, she's not even 20. GREAT-NIECE??? Of course I started to giggle. Out loud. When asked what I was so happy about I eagerly retorted that I was happy as hell to know that Sea Squirt was a GREAT-UNCLE. Her mother then happily informed me that that would make me a GREAT-AUNT. She laughed. Sea Squirt laughed. My aged shoulders sank... They are both dead to me now.
Then, without warning, my brain began to do the math. It only got worse from that point on. I quickly flagged down our waiter and ordered another pitcher of margaritas for myself as the gears began to grind in my head. This May will mark my 40th anniversary of graduating from high school. Chunka-chunka-chunka... If I had married after graduation I would now have adult children in their late 30's. Chunka-chunka-chunka... Which would mean I could have adult grandchildren hitting 20 and starting their own families. Chunka-chunka-chunka... GREAT-GRANDPA DONN!?!?!? Oh, hell, no!!! I'm barely 57 and a half years old!!! OK, I admit I love playing connect the dots with my liver spots. My favorite one is on my arm and it sort of looks like Greenland. But GREAT-GRANDPA DONN is a sentence I'm just not ready to be convicted of yet.
Can you see me with children??? Grandchildren??? GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN??? Hell, I wouldn't give me last weeks newspaper let alone a child!!! Yet I still manage to have a looney set of friends that insists on giving me their pets to watch, their car keys, wallets and house keys and YES, their children. And in some instances their ONLY children!!! WTFAYPT!!! Why are you surprised when you pick that poor child up on Sunday night that they have a tatoo, can spit tobacco, have fake ID's and know how to drive me home while they are drunker than I am. While still in diapers!!! Both of us!!! There is VERY good reason Child Protective Services has low-jacked me with a GPS monitor. Think about it!!! I have less responsibility than Hitler, Stalin and that Palin woman in a blender on frappe. Hell, just toss in a
Bush or two for good measure and you get the picture. Add a floater of hand grenades and a tsunami or two and you call only imagine what is bound to happen...
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