OK, I will admit it, I have used the personal adds. Many times actually. And NEVER with any success. It's a no-mans land out there. Brings a whole new definition to quiet desperation. And "poetic license". That's English for "I am lying my ass off!!!", "I am a stalker!!!" , "I look nothing at all like I have described myself!!!" and "I'm heavily medicated!!!". Trust me on this, I have met all four of those genre's. Repeatedly. It's so much more satisfying to just go out to the bars, get rip-roaring drunk, pick up the last straggler at the "side walk sale" at closing time, take him home, screw his brain cell out and then not care what his name is the next morning. And then give him the bums rush because I am running "late" for work. On my day off. Then boil the bedding and rub myself down with RID. In my mind this is so much easier than a "relationship" where I have to remember stupid things like birthdays, anniversaries and buying presents.
Yes, I met my current main squeeze, Sea Squirt, through the personals. Well, sort of. Match.com. He "winked" at me and I "winked' back. And six years later here we are. Much to his confusion and consternation... But that was through the internet. Not the printed media. And as we all know, the internet is a safe place where no one ever lies or deceives. ROTFLMFAO!!!
So, shortly after moving to Madison, I picked up the latest copy of the "Isthmus" and begin to read the personals because you just never know what you're going to find on those pages. Again, a no mans land of heartbreak and denial for only $12 for a 3 week listing. I found the most god forsakenly tragic ad I have ever seen. I was torn between laughing, crying or jumping off of a bridge. Fortunately, I chose laughing my ass off. It was so deliciously twisted I actually cut it out and turned it into a fridge magnet. Here it is, verbatum:
"WHITE MALE CROSSDRESSER SEEKS:
Other cross dressers, hermaphrodites or tran sexuals. Have slow hand and gentle touch for erotic fun. Non smoking only."
NON SMOKING ONLY??? That's your deal breaker??? This is Madison, you idiot, it's pretty slim pickings on all three of those choices from the word go and you're going to make a smoker a no-go??? Hell, if I was any of those choices I'd be chain smoking cigars and free-basing cigarettes by the carton. On a public bus. In a really "pretty" dress. With shoes and a bag that sort of matched. Kind of. From Goodwill. Dude, you are a crossdresser!!! You take what you can get. Hell, if you can actually find a hermaphrodite in Madison count yourself freaking lucky. Buy them a corsage and take them out to Red Lobster. With that coupon you have for a free dessert that is about to expire. Just for shits and giggles, ask for a table for three. And we all know that you look like Ed Asner in drag anyway, so you're no catch... Your wig looks like road kill and you forgot to shave your knuckles... Neither of you are fooling anyone!!! Not the hostess, your server or the scampi!!! In the name of god, don't ever make shrimp go all dear in headlights. It's not pretty. Hell, they don't even have pupils to do it properly with!!! That sort of shit has been outlawed in most western countries. Especially Canada. What a civilized group of American-wannabies they are. Up there this is considered cruel and unusual punishment to crustaceans. And they club baby seals to death as a sport in Canada so, apparently, this is some serious shit in their eyes... Which by the way, I am told have pupils... Unlike the dead crustaceans that you are scaring the bloody shit out of!!!
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