To borrow a phrase from G. W. Nethercott, "I'm in Hell...". Seriously. Why? Easy... I've actually run out of things to buy at Kohl's. I'm not kidding. You all know me, I'm a shopaholic. It's my one true legal addiction. The high of asking "How many colors does this come in?" is borderline narcotic to me. Oh hell, I admit it, I will actually buy something just to keep someone else from having it. It's not greed. It's not hoarding. It's just that I have it and YOU don't!!! Yes, I am the queen of single-use kitchen appliances. I have three citrus squeezers for christ's sake. One for Key Limes, one for lemons and one for those ridiculous things gringos call limes...
I swear that half of the stuff I own is from Kohl's. Bedding. Pillows. Towels. Rugs. More than half of my kitchen. THIRTY-EIGHT FREAKING POLO SHIRTS!!! So many pair of cargo shorts I refuse to count them. My luggage (three sets. four if you count the set I bought for my other half.). Enough flip-flops to supply a cruise ship (some casual, some capable of attending a funeral. I've done that.) Personally, I don't actually care for Bobby Flay, Rachael Ray or Paula Dean (OK, I actually have a lot of respect for Paula for learning how to bread and deep fry macaroni and cheese) but when their products go on sale at Kohl's my ass is SO there!!! Especially when it's 50 percent off and I have a 30 percent off store coupon in my pocket to add to the buzz. And all of that Food Network stuff is like my own personal heroin. I love that stuff. If most of it weren't anodized I'm sure I'd be free basing it as I type.
So, today Kohl's has one of those "Early Bird" special sales going on. Big sale. Let me rephrase that, BIG FUCKING SALE!!! Like up to 75 percent off. And I have my 30 percent off coupon locked and loaded. Most Valued Customer charge card and store coupon in hand I walk in ready to shop. Totally ready to do some damage if you get my drift. I didn't care if I wanted it, needed it, had a use for it or even if I had a place to put it I was not about to walk out empty handed. Guess what? Almost two hours later I'm still wandering around without a single thing in my hands. Housewares. Small kitchen electrics. Linens. Bedroom. Bathroom. Shoes. Menswear. Seasonal. Clearance (and that one is almost always a score). Hell, I even found myself in Misses for awhile. Nothing. Absolutely NOTHING! OK, there was a really cute pair of taupe suede open-toed six inch spike high hells with a 3/4 inch cheater sole that caught my eye BIG time but they didn't have them in my size. I even had the salesperson check the stock room. I could have had those puppies for less than $20 with the coupon. Lord knows what I would have done with them. Perhaps a funeral. Perhaps a floral centerpiece. Who cares, they could have been MINE!!!
I have just realized that my other half (Ricky, as I call him) has been looking over my shoulder (Lucy, as he calls me) as I have been writing this and has just threatened to shut off my "Charge-a-Card." Has he been looking in the storage locker? Under the bed? Digging through the back of cupboards? Looking under that pile of shoes I don't wear? Has he actually managed to find stuff I have bought that even I have forgotten about??? Oh shit, he has discovered that we have three more panini makers than we can ever use!!! Or have ever used. Hell, I'm not even sure I know what a panini is but push come to shove I'm sure I could make a ton of them if I had to... Hell, I bet I could cater a wedding full of them if I needed to.
At any rate, I left Kohl's empty handed. Dejected and a bit cold turkey'd if there is such a thing in the retail world.. God damn it, I wanted something. Anything. Even if if was another garlic press. Hell, it was on sale and I had a coupon!!!
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