I knew that would get your attention. Seems to have the same effect when I say it in a crowded elevator as well. If anyone questions me I just tell them that I have Tourette's Syndrome and bark at them a couple of times. Voila! Elevator all to myself....
So, back to me being the biggest gay in the village. Oh yeah, BIG time!!! Once, as a young child at summer camp, I spent an entire weekend rearranging the rocks in the river so the water fall was prettier. I just thought it needed to be done. Trust me, it looked a whole hell of a lot better!!! No merit badge for that accomplishment but at least I slept a bit easier in that tick infested thing they called Cabin Wannaseemypeehole. Lord that was a hellish two weeks. But at least the water fall was a bit more acceptable in my opinion... Had I been able to boost the keys to one of the broken down vans in that nightmarish place I would have driven into town and gotten some water lilies and a koi or two and made that polluted little stream shine!!! I was never really appreciated...
As a child I was so gay it hurt. By the time I was in Junior High School I wanted to be a cheerleader. By the time I was in Senior High School I WAS a cheerleader. Head cheerleader as a matter of fact and I looked totally rocking hot in that little pleated skirt. I put those other bitches to shame. Wasn't any of them that could do the splits like I could. And that ability served me very well up until my 40's. Right up until my first hip replacement as I recall. I remember teaching the rest of the squad all of those wonderful cheers. Things like, "We're gonna rub your dingies in the dirt, make them squirt! U-Rah-Rah! BEAT OFF!" and "Try to make a touchdown, you gravy sucking pigs!". OK, it was a short career but a very colorful one in my opinion ...
From there I was on to college. Oh lord, what a waste of time and money!!! I did learn how to party though. Saw my first drag show when I was eighteen and I never looked back after that. I even did a short stint as a cashier at Pure Pleasure, the local dirty book store, in my Junior year. In less than a week I knew every queen within a 60 mile radius whether I wanted to or not. Holy Moly, there was some stuff going on back in those movie booths!!! It was amazing what a dollars worth of quarters could buy you back then...
After college I became one of the original Castro Street Clones in San Francisco. I cringe at that legacy today but I'm sure I must have been TOTALLY smoking hot at the time. Hell, I had a full head of hair, a fu manchu mustache, a flannel shirt, aviator sunglasses and skin tight jeans. And an ass that didn't need to be tucked into my socks like it does today. Ah, the good old daze...
From there I was into my 30's. OK, let's not go there. I honestly don't remember them and you truly don't want to hear about them... I vaguely remember a pool table and a standing ovation at some point.
Ah, my 40's... I genuinely hit my stride that decade. I also hit on everything with three legs that decade too. Let's just say a whole lot of leather, uniforms and someone calling me "Daddy" for the first time. Don't ask, don't tell...
Less than a month before I turned 50 my apartment building damned near burnt to the ground and I found myself living in a hotel for awhile. I showed up at my 50th birthday party dressed as Sponge Bob Squarepants. With a pineapple under my arm. In saddle shoes. How gay is that??? Thank god there was large drag queen in a dress made out of a shower curtain in attendance to distract attention from me or I may have caused a scene. OK, I caused a scene anyway. But nowhere near as big as I could have...
Now, I'm pushing 60. Fast. REALLY fast. Holy shit, where did the time go??? I'm not sure where to go from here... A one woman show like Elaine Stritch (a wonderfully bitchy alcoholic), a cabaret act like Marlene Dietrich (so blind she fell off stage in Vegas one night and damned near killed herself) or just write my memoirs (all lies), move to Belize (not even sure where that is exactly) and take an imaginary mulatto lover named Twon (hung like a horse and less than half my age)??? These decisions can be so vexing. Maybe I should email my BFF Cher and ask for her advice. She always seems to know what to do in this kind of situation. Hell, I figure if you can survive being married to Sonny and finding out that your only daughter is really a man then you must have some sort of insight!!!
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