I gotta tell you, this is something I rarely ever do. I guard my recipes like a she-bear on the brown acid. Ask anyone that knows me well. Hell, it took my best friend 11 years to get the recipes for my baked beans and potato salad out of me. And I like her. A lot. She only got them because I gave them to her at her baby shower. And only after she let me write strange things on her belly with a Magic Marker...
Mexico. Ah, Mexico... This country owns me lock, stock and barrel. And that means a whole different thing down there. It has for almost 2 decades. The music, the people, the strange workability of it all. But most of all the food. OMG, the food!!! It's nothing but corn, lard and lactose down there. It's heaven to me. My blood pressure and cholesterol levels go through the roof while I'm down there and I relish every freaking fork full of it. Early on I discovered an amazing treat that drew me in like a Siren towards the rocks. Tres Leche Cake. (BTW, that means three milks.) Oh my fucking god!!! This stuff makes flan look like Jenny Craig. Bloody amazing stuff. In it's truest form it is Mexican wedding cake. Imagine an incredibly heavy, RICH pound cake, saturated with liquid lactose ambrosia, covered with birthday cake icing, parqueted with a layer of fresh tropical fruits and then encased in the most tooth rotting transparent apricot glaze imaginable. When they serve you a piece of this it is literally bleeding from all sides and surrounded by a lactose moat!!! I would sell secrets to the Russians for this stuff!!!
So I figured if three milks are good then five just has to be better. Right? Yes, I have managed to work two more milks into this thing. To you, my dear friends, I present CINCO Leche Cake... A bit "simplfied", sans apricot glaze but still just as good. Trust me, would I lie to you about dessert???
Cinco de Leche Cake
Cake:
6 large eggs, separated (otherwise they fight)
2 cups sugar
2 cups flour
3 tsp baking powder
Half cup of milk
3 tsp vanilla (the Mexican kind, it’s better y’know)
Sauce:
1 can (13 oz.) evaporated milk
1 can (14 oz.) sweetened condensed milk
1 can (225 grams) Crema Media
Half pint heavy whipping cream (oh yeah, baby!)
Some cinnamon sugar to taste. Lots of it!
Frosting:
2 egg whites (don’t ask me what you do with the yolks)
Dash of salt
2 Tsp. white corn syrup (who really has this stuff????)
1 and a half cups sugar
Third of a cup of water (eyeball it)
2 tsp. vanilla (again, the Mexican stuff...)
Beat the egg whites until peaks start to form (just whail on
them cause you KNOW they’ve been fighting). Gradually add the sugar as you continue to beat them. Add all of the egg yolks at once and beat them for 3 full minutes as they have been taunting the rest of the ingredients on the counter. Add in the vanilla. Mix the flour with the baking powder (don’t worry, THEY get along fine) and add to the egg mixture alternately with the milk. When mixed completely pour the mixture into a well greased 9 x 13 inch pan (DON’T believe this, put it into a REALLY big lasagna pan cause this cake expands exponentially as it bakes!) Bake at 350 degrees (you did remember to preheat the oven, didn’t you????) for damn near an hour. Or more. You know the cake is done when the toothpick comes out clean.
Take the cake out of the oven and stab the bloody hell out of it with a large fork to totally perforate it across the entire surface (no, this is not to get back at the eggs, it’s to allow spaces for the sauce to seep into). Pour all of the sauce ingredients into a blender and blend it into a consistent mixture. Pour the mixture evenly over the cake surface and let it absorb in. Toss the cake into the fridge to cool completely before frosting.
Totally ignore all of the ingredients for the frosting! It’s a complete pain in the ass to make and calls for a double boiler and constant stirring. NO FREAKING WAY! Go to Woodman’s, get yourself some ready made Duncan Hines frosting in the little tubs and save yourself LOTS of heartache. I recommend vanilla. Trust me!
Frost the cake, cover with plastic wrap and keep it refrigerated until ready to serve. You can decorate the top of the cake any way you want, just don’t use Jelly Belly’s or Gummi Bears, that’s just nasty. Fruit is nice! Especially LOTS of sliced strawberries and mangos. Or peaches. Or kiwi. Blue berries and raspberries work too. Oh hell, just throw all of them on it and enjoy!
Be warned, this will “bleed” like crazy when you serve it.
And you might want to have a portable defibrillator handy cause this thing will stop your heart. This is best enjoyed with a LARGE cup of coffee that has been enhanced with a bit of brandy, Kahlua, Frangelico and a floater of vodka and eaten under a palm tree while sitting in the sand. Would I lie to you??? Yeah, probably. But not about food...
OMG! OMG! OMG! I have just had an epiphany!!! I can put SIX milks in this puppy. Oh yeah!!! Fuck the Duncan Hines frosting. Make it out of cream cheese , powdered sugar and a bit of Mexican vanilla. Voila, Seis Leche!!! This is a dessert that has just attained "Fabulousity"!!! Hey, Sea Squirt!!! Get 911 on speed dial, 'cause we're gonna need them...
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