Oh, just calm down, this is a rant about pop up windows. I hate those damned things!!! I have this really old lap top computer, about 9 years old in fact. It's coal fired. I need to stoke it up about an hour before I want to use it. It officially became completely unupgradable about 5 years ago so it's totally out of touch with reality. If I make a mistake while typing I actually have to correct it with White-Out. Total pain in the ass.
OK, back to vaginal dryness...
Every time I go online I have to wait for about 2 minutes to do anything. Why? Because there is either an ad, a pop up window or some insanely high def graphic that takes forever to load. And try as I may to hit the stop button with my curser it just doesn't work. Come hell or high water that son of a bitch is gonna keep loading. And it's always something about vaginal dryness. WTF??? I don't even have a vaginal. And even if I did, if it were dry I'd just hose it down or soak it in the sink over night. In some Woolite. So it was not only moist but silky soft and clean too. With no static cling. Hell, it would be 57 and a half years old. Of course it would be dry!!! I'm not even sure that vaginals produce static cling but I'm pretty sure Woolite would take care of that... Hmmm... If you rubbed a vaginal on your head could you stick it to a wall like a balloon??? Would it only work with a moist one??? OK, I know, TMI...
What the hell is up with all of the ads on the internet??? When did it become nothing more than a giant billboard??? Of shit that I don't give a rats ass about??? Especially that one for cough syrup with glops of snot doing the samba at the "Cough-a-Cabana"!!! Who the fuck got paid millions for that one??? It totally surpasses John Waters on the brown acid...
I don't want this crap!!! If I'm going online I'm only doing it for one reason. I'm searching for porn. Man porn to be exact. And maybe to delete my spam. Which by the way I have tons of. Could have something to do with my porn searches... Who knows... Computers are marvelous creatures and as old as mine is it still has more memory than I do. You would think that after all these years of me Googling things like daddy, man cock, biker dick and hairy fishnuts (OK, I misspelled Hare Krishna that ONE time) that it would figure out that that I don't care about vaginals. But no, it still thinks I have one. And that it is dry!!! VERY dry. And cracking. Like chapped lips in January. Who the bloody fuck brings out their vaginal in the middle of winter??? In public, no less??? What if I gave it a dryer sheet or two. Or three??? How about some Extra Virgin Olive Oil??? Or sprayed it down with PAM??? Or an hour or two at a spa to refresh its self??? Give it some time plump up, as it were...
Now, don't get me wrong, I have nothing against vaginals. I've known lots of them in my 57 and a half years. Hell, I lost my virginity to a vaginal. I was 17, in the back seat of a 1965 Ford Galaxie 500 at a drive-in theatre in 1971. Oh, yeah, that was a memorable 67 seconds. Strangely, today, I actually own that car. I can't sit in the back seat without giggling and getting slightly nauseous. When I found that car in a storage locker after my grandpa died I damned near shit. I guess everything does indeed come full circle... To this day, some of my best friends have vaginals and I'm proud of that. I'm an equal opportunity friend. But apparently I'm the only one that has a supposed dry vaginal from most of our conversations. WTF is up with that??? And why am I being singled out by the Internet??? Where are the ads for things like "Peter Polish", "Dick Slicker", and "Wanger Wax"??? This is just so unfair...
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
What The Bloody FUCK Is Up With ALL Of This Hair???
OK, I'm a Jew and we tend to be a bit furry. Usually somewhere between fuzzy and just downright having a pelt. It tends to keep us warm in the more Northern climates I guess. Which by the way, I hate the more Northern climates...
Male pattern baldness is the biggest misnomer I have ever heard. Males do NOT lose their hair!!! HUGE lie!!! It just becomes a "snow bird" and migrates south. We've still got it, just not where we want it... Going back to at least great-grandpa Henry all of the males on my fathers side of the family have had a "monks spot". That's where the back of your head goes bald. And sunburns rather rapidly. You could line all four of us up facing a wall and you could tell that we were all related!!! Mine started in my mid-twenties and I am happy to say that I am the only one that didn't try the comb-over attempt. I preferred the hat route. Big fancy ones. Like Beatrice Lilly would have worn. C'mon, you've seen my hat collection...
From the top down:
My eyebrows look like something off of an 80-year old British Member of Parliament who has no mirrors in his house. I don't trim them, I bale them. With a John Deere!!!
My nose has a fur coat. Inside AND out!!! I'm amazed I can still breath normally. I swear to god. And it's gotten worse since I've gone gray and have no near vision whatsoever. If I don't keep a close eye on those things I'm sure I start to look like one of those deep sea angler fish after a few days and start scaring small children in check out lines.
My back and shoulders are starting to look like an old growth forest in Sequoia National Forest!!! In a light weight t-shirt I look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. I tried waxing it for awhile. Word to the wise here, don't do that. Not only does it hurt like a motherfucker but it just makes it come back thicker. I considered clipping it off for use as cancer baby wigs but who the hell wants a baby with a late '60's Afro???
My arms, hands and fingers. Holy shit, I look like a retired Rabbi!!! Or Sasquatch. Or their unholy lovechild... My body hair gives my shadow it's own personal "aura"!!! Sort of like the Virgin de Guadalupe. Only hairier... EWW!!!
About the only place the hair on my head has not snow-birded to is my palms. Which just amazes the shit out of me considering the fact that I have been a serial masturbator since the ripe old age of 12!!! And Sister Mary Mengele PROMISED me that was going to happen if I insisted on keeping that practice going... Bitch, you lied!!!
The worst part??? I shed like a Basset Hound in April. Year around. I've pulled clogs out of the shower drain that look like a family of moose have been nesting down there!!! You wouldn't believe what shows up in the lint filter in the dryer. It looks like I have been tumble drying a couple of Afghan Hounds!!! I could make upholstery fabric from that stuff!!! Add a bit of Kevlar and I know I could market it to law enforcement...
Male pattern baldness is the biggest misnomer I have ever heard. Males do NOT lose their hair!!! HUGE lie!!! It just becomes a "snow bird" and migrates south. We've still got it, just not where we want it... Going back to at least great-grandpa Henry all of the males on my fathers side of the family have had a "monks spot". That's where the back of your head goes bald. And sunburns rather rapidly. You could line all four of us up facing a wall and you could tell that we were all related!!! Mine started in my mid-twenties and I am happy to say that I am the only one that didn't try the comb-over attempt. I preferred the hat route. Big fancy ones. Like Beatrice Lilly would have worn. C'mon, you've seen my hat collection...
From the top down:
My eyebrows look like something off of an 80-year old British Member of Parliament who has no mirrors in his house. I don't trim them, I bale them. With a John Deere!!!
My nose has a fur coat. Inside AND out!!! I'm amazed I can still breath normally. I swear to god. And it's gotten worse since I've gone gray and have no near vision whatsoever. If I don't keep a close eye on those things I'm sure I start to look like one of those deep sea angler fish after a few days and start scaring small children in check out lines.
My back and shoulders are starting to look like an old growth forest in Sequoia National Forest!!! In a light weight t-shirt I look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. I tried waxing it for awhile. Word to the wise here, don't do that. Not only does it hurt like a motherfucker but it just makes it come back thicker. I considered clipping it off for use as cancer baby wigs but who the hell wants a baby with a late '60's Afro???
My arms, hands and fingers. Holy shit, I look like a retired Rabbi!!! Or Sasquatch. Or their unholy lovechild... My body hair gives my shadow it's own personal "aura"!!! Sort of like the Virgin de Guadalupe. Only hairier... EWW!!!
About the only place the hair on my head has not snow-birded to is my palms. Which just amazes the shit out of me considering the fact that I have been a serial masturbator since the ripe old age of 12!!! And Sister Mary Mengele PROMISED me that was going to happen if I insisted on keeping that practice going... Bitch, you lied!!!
The worst part??? I shed like a Basset Hound in April. Year around. I've pulled clogs out of the shower drain that look like a family of moose have been nesting down there!!! You wouldn't believe what shows up in the lint filter in the dryer. It looks like I have been tumble drying a couple of Afghan Hounds!!! I could make upholstery fabric from that stuff!!! Add a bit of Kevlar and I know I could market it to law enforcement...
Sunday, February 6, 2011
This Is Just Way Too Sad For Words...
It's Super Bowl Sunday. Big deal. The Packers are playing. Big deal. Personally, I don't give a rats ass about either of those things. It's just the way I am. Bite me!!!
Anyway, dinner was ready and the half time show was about to start so we decided to eat in front of the TV because I'm a major fan of the Black Eyed Peas. I think Fergie is totally hot. And she has a smoking set of legs that go all the way up to her ass. Which is good, I guess, since that is where they are supposed to go anyway. Right??? So we watch the half time show, which by the way, bore a striking resemblance to the opening ceremony of Beijing Summer Olympics in my opinion. The show ends, they cut to commercial and Sea Squirt looks at me and asks "Hey, where was Fergie?" I look back at him with a somewhat confused look on my brain and ask "What???" "Where was Fergie? How did we miss her?" he asks. OK, now I'm confused. Is he suffering from that arterial flow problem above the shoulders like Bernice Clifton did??? "She was on stage for more that 20 minutes!!! How could you miss her???" I say.
He's giving me this deer in headlights look. I knew I was in trouble. Time to take his pulse, I thought. And then he looks me square in the eye and says "I didn't see the Duchess of York. Where was she???" I about coughed up a Hebrew National... He ACTUALLY thought that they had hired Sarah, Duchess of York to do the Super Bowl half time show!!! I'm not kidding!!! What the fuck was he thinking??? That she was going to waddle up on stage at the 50 yard line and start hawking Weight Watchers entrees??? That little chimp at the top of my Blog has more common sense than that!!! I swear to god, I'm gonna make cannon fodder out of him!!!
Anyway, dinner was ready and the half time show was about to start so we decided to eat in front of the TV because I'm a major fan of the Black Eyed Peas. I think Fergie is totally hot. And she has a smoking set of legs that go all the way up to her ass. Which is good, I guess, since that is where they are supposed to go anyway. Right??? So we watch the half time show, which by the way, bore a striking resemblance to the opening ceremony of Beijing Summer Olympics in my opinion. The show ends, they cut to commercial and Sea Squirt looks at me and asks "Hey, where was Fergie?" I look back at him with a somewhat confused look on my brain and ask "What???" "Where was Fergie? How did we miss her?" he asks. OK, now I'm confused. Is he suffering from that arterial flow problem above the shoulders like Bernice Clifton did??? "She was on stage for more that 20 minutes!!! How could you miss her???" I say.
He's giving me this deer in headlights look. I knew I was in trouble. Time to take his pulse, I thought. And then he looks me square in the eye and says "I didn't see the Duchess of York. Where was she???" I about coughed up a Hebrew National... He ACTUALLY thought that they had hired Sarah, Duchess of York to do the Super Bowl half time show!!! I'm not kidding!!! What the fuck was he thinking??? That she was going to waddle up on stage at the 50 yard line and start hawking Weight Watchers entrees??? That little chimp at the top of my Blog has more common sense than that!!! I swear to god, I'm gonna make cannon fodder out of him!!!
Saturday, February 5, 2011
OMG, I am stunned!!!
And I have to tell you, that is NOT easily done. Tonight YouTube managed to do me in. I discovered something that blew me away.
I was bored so I was Googling some stuff on Joe Cocker, who by the way is one of my favorite performers and found a posting of his song "Take Me Home". It's a hell of a song where he sings his throat out in a duet with a female singer that has voice that rivals his. Not an easy thing to do... Kind of like that female back up singer on the Rolling Stones "Gimme Shelter". Only better. So, I pull up the file and it's a studio recorded music video of them doing the song. I was in heaven!!! They sang the bloody shit out of that song. I ain't ever seen a white girl sing like that. EVER!!! And it listed her name. Bekka Bramlett.
A quick Google search of her blew me away. She's the only daughter of the late 60's - early 70's hit duo Delaney and Bonnie and is apparently one of the most successful studio/session singers in history. It's easier to list who she hasn't backed up or toured with in her career. Hell, in the early 90's she actually replaced Stevie Nicks in Fleetwood Mac for two years!!! That's not an easy feat!!! I've listened to this woman in the "background" for more than twenty years, have had her voice blow me away and not had clue who in the hell she was. If you happen to have a copy of Jonny Lang's first CD she's the powerhouse backing him up on "Lie To Me". This woman has a voice that rivals Iquazu Falls. Bloody amazing. And she has been recording since she was 5 years old. Yes, I said 5 years old!!! I guess when you grow up in a house where Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix, Tina Turner, the Rolling Stones and George Harrison regularly hung out something just had to rub off...
I managed to find a few more things of her on YouTube. Again, bloody amazing!!! You gotta Google this voice!!! You'll be glad you did!!!
I was bored so I was Googling some stuff on Joe Cocker, who by the way is one of my favorite performers and found a posting of his song "Take Me Home". It's a hell of a song where he sings his throat out in a duet with a female singer that has voice that rivals his. Not an easy thing to do... Kind of like that female back up singer on the Rolling Stones "Gimme Shelter". Only better. So, I pull up the file and it's a studio recorded music video of them doing the song. I was in heaven!!! They sang the bloody shit out of that song. I ain't ever seen a white girl sing like that. EVER!!! And it listed her name. Bekka Bramlett.
A quick Google search of her blew me away. She's the only daughter of the late 60's - early 70's hit duo Delaney and Bonnie and is apparently one of the most successful studio/session singers in history. It's easier to list who she hasn't backed up or toured with in her career. Hell, in the early 90's she actually replaced Stevie Nicks in Fleetwood Mac for two years!!! That's not an easy feat!!! I've listened to this woman in the "background" for more than twenty years, have had her voice blow me away and not had clue who in the hell she was. If you happen to have a copy of Jonny Lang's first CD she's the powerhouse backing him up on "Lie To Me". This woman has a voice that rivals Iquazu Falls. Bloody amazing. And she has been recording since she was 5 years old. Yes, I said 5 years old!!! I guess when you grow up in a house where Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix, Tina Turner, the Rolling Stones and George Harrison regularly hung out something just had to rub off...
I managed to find a few more things of her on YouTube. Again, bloody amazing!!! You gotta Google this voice!!! You'll be glad you did!!!
Friday, February 4, 2011
Sea Squit, Do These Jeans Make My Ass Look Old???
OK, I admit, that's a terribly loaded question. Of course my new jeans make my ass look old. Y'know why? Because my ass is horridly old. I actually tuck it into my socks. Yeah, I know, not pretty. Damned near every mirror in our apartment is cloaked in black draping. This place looks like a scene out of the death of Lincoln...
A little over a year ago I bumped up from a 32 inch waist to a 33 inch waist. For about 3 months. I'm apparently in the process of dropping a bit of poundage. Now I have actually been known to have my 32 inch jeans drop to my knees while I fight my way through Woodmans. Again, not pretty. And it tends to slow me down in the bread aisle. I hate that.
So, off to Kohls I go for some new jeans, waist size 31 inches. What a bloody fucking nightmare!!! OK, I'm a Levi's guy. They fit me. Fuck Lee Jeans!!! They're crap. Then there are Wrangler's. OK, I love Wrangler's. On someone else. Yes, Wrangler butts do indeed drive me nuts. They're cut differently, to enhance the ass. I LOVE THAT!!! They're cut to cup the buttocks like nothing I have ever seen before. They are designed to make you fit a saddle comfortably. All well and good, but the last time I "saddled up" was in 1973 when I was taking riding lessons in college. And that was English style riding so I don't think that counts. About the only thing Wrangler's do for my ass is ride up them. And not in that good way that I like, if you know what I mean...
Back to Levi's. Have any of you ever read the inside labels on a pair of Levi's lately? They are now made is just about every pronouncable country on the face of the planet except the US. Nicaragua. Guatemala. Argentina. Sri Lanka. Pakistan. And there is apparently not a damned ruler or measuring tape in any of these places. Every pair of 31/32's I tried on was wrong in some form or another. Right waist, wrong length. Wrong waist, right length. Wrong both. I quickly found myself up to my tits in denim in the dressing room, awash in Third World mis-measurements. Finally, I found a pair of 32/34's from Bangladesh (I'm serious!!!) that fit me perfectly. I clutched those things to my breast like they were the Shroud of Turin and tossed them into my shopping basket. Yes, success!!!
This morning I did laundry. I washed them in cold and dried them on low to maintain their "integrity", i.e., fit, and guess what??? They came out perfectly. They fit me like they were tailored for me. No shrinkage!!!
Well... Almost no shrinkage. That little tailored opening at the top of the zipper that the tab goes through to close them at the waist shrank. So much so that I am now unable to fit the tab through to properly close them!!! FUCK ME TO BLOODY god DAMNED TEARS!!! In quiet desperation I just gave up. They fit, I told myself. And then I broke out the scissors and cut the opening open. Let it fray, I told myself. I'm too fucking old to look cool and tailored. Hell, I'm too old to still be standing upright without an infrastructure or an assistant. Or at least a crane. Maybe mag-lev would work... Yes, I now wear both a belt AND suspenders. I have become my great-grandpa Henry... And he was nuts. Lovable but nuts. I hope I carry on his tradition. In dysfunctional Levi 505's. I no longer want to be shot out of a cannon, I wish to be tossed out of a trebuchet. Across the Mexican border. Hopefully packed with illegal substances.... Lots of them!!! Tucked into whatever space may be left in my socks. Just to give them back...
A little over a year ago I bumped up from a 32 inch waist to a 33 inch waist. For about 3 months. I'm apparently in the process of dropping a bit of poundage. Now I have actually been known to have my 32 inch jeans drop to my knees while I fight my way through Woodmans. Again, not pretty. And it tends to slow me down in the bread aisle. I hate that.
So, off to Kohls I go for some new jeans, waist size 31 inches. What a bloody fucking nightmare!!! OK, I'm a Levi's guy. They fit me. Fuck Lee Jeans!!! They're crap. Then there are Wrangler's. OK, I love Wrangler's. On someone else. Yes, Wrangler butts do indeed drive me nuts. They're cut differently, to enhance the ass. I LOVE THAT!!! They're cut to cup the buttocks like nothing I have ever seen before. They are designed to make you fit a saddle comfortably. All well and good, but the last time I "saddled up" was in 1973 when I was taking riding lessons in college. And that was English style riding so I don't think that counts. About the only thing Wrangler's do for my ass is ride up them. And not in that good way that I like, if you know what I mean...
Back to Levi's. Have any of you ever read the inside labels on a pair of Levi's lately? They are now made is just about every pronouncable country on the face of the planet except the US. Nicaragua. Guatemala. Argentina. Sri Lanka. Pakistan. And there is apparently not a damned ruler or measuring tape in any of these places. Every pair of 31/32's I tried on was wrong in some form or another. Right waist, wrong length. Wrong waist, right length. Wrong both. I quickly found myself up to my tits in denim in the dressing room, awash in Third World mis-measurements. Finally, I found a pair of 32/34's from Bangladesh (I'm serious!!!) that fit me perfectly. I clutched those things to my breast like they were the Shroud of Turin and tossed them into my shopping basket. Yes, success!!!
This morning I did laundry. I washed them in cold and dried them on low to maintain their "integrity", i.e., fit, and guess what??? They came out perfectly. They fit me like they were tailored for me. No shrinkage!!!
Well... Almost no shrinkage. That little tailored opening at the top of the zipper that the tab goes through to close them at the waist shrank. So much so that I am now unable to fit the tab through to properly close them!!! FUCK ME TO BLOODY god DAMNED TEARS!!! In quiet desperation I just gave up. They fit, I told myself. And then I broke out the scissors and cut the opening open. Let it fray, I told myself. I'm too fucking old to look cool and tailored. Hell, I'm too old to still be standing upright without an infrastructure or an assistant. Or at least a crane. Maybe mag-lev would work... Yes, I now wear both a belt AND suspenders. I have become my great-grandpa Henry... And he was nuts. Lovable but nuts. I hope I carry on his tradition. In dysfunctional Levi 505's. I no longer want to be shot out of a cannon, I wish to be tossed out of a trebuchet. Across the Mexican border. Hopefully packed with illegal substances.... Lots of them!!! Tucked into whatever space may be left in my socks. Just to give them back...
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