OK, I'm a Jew and we tend to be a bit furry. Usually somewhere between fuzzy and just downright having a pelt. It tends to keep us warm in the more Northern climates I guess. Which by the way, I hate the more Northern climates...
Male pattern baldness is the biggest misnomer I have ever heard. Males do NOT lose their hair!!! HUGE lie!!! It just becomes a "snow bird" and migrates south. We've still got it, just not where we want it... Going back to at least great-grandpa Henry all of the males on my fathers side of the family have had a "monks spot". That's where the back of your head goes bald. And sunburns rather rapidly. You could line all four of us up facing a wall and you could tell that we were all related!!! Mine started in my mid-twenties and I am happy to say that I am the only one that didn't try the comb-over attempt. I preferred the hat route. Big fancy ones. Like Beatrice Lilly would have worn. C'mon, you've seen my hat collection...
From the top down:
My eyebrows look like something off of an 80-year old British Member of Parliament who has no mirrors in his house. I don't trim them, I bale them. With a John Deere!!!
My nose has a fur coat. Inside AND out!!! I'm amazed I can still breath normally. I swear to god. And it's gotten worse since I've gone gray and have no near vision whatsoever. If I don't keep a close eye on those things I'm sure I start to look like one of those deep sea angler fish after a few days and start scaring small children in check out lines.
My back and shoulders are starting to look like an old growth forest in Sequoia National Forest!!! In a light weight t-shirt I look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. I tried waxing it for awhile. Word to the wise here, don't do that. Not only does it hurt like a motherfucker but it just makes it come back thicker. I considered clipping it off for use as cancer baby wigs but who the hell wants a baby with a late '60's Afro???
My arms, hands and fingers. Holy shit, I look like a retired Rabbi!!! Or Sasquatch. Or their unholy lovechild... My body hair gives my shadow it's own personal "aura"!!! Sort of like the Virgin de Guadalupe. Only hairier... EWW!!!
About the only place the hair on my head has not snow-birded to is my palms. Which just amazes the shit out of me considering the fact that I have been a serial masturbator since the ripe old age of 12!!! And Sister Mary Mengele PROMISED me that was going to happen if I insisted on keeping that practice going... Bitch, you lied!!!
The worst part??? I shed like a Basset Hound in April. Year around. I've pulled clogs out of the shower drain that look like a family of moose have been nesting down there!!! You wouldn't believe what shows up in the lint filter in the dryer. It looks like I have been tumble drying a couple of Afghan Hounds!!! I could make upholstery fabric from that stuff!!! Add a bit of Kevlar and I know I could market it to law enforcement...
No comments:
Post a Comment