OK, BETTER LATE THAN NEVER...

Dear Mr. Claus,

I know that this letter is a bit late which is why I am sending it email.  I just assume that you have wi-fi and at the very least can get this expedited through Amazon.  I hear that they are gonna stay open late tonight.

I have been a very good boy this year.  For the most part.  Well, unless you are counting that thing with the cat.  It really wasn't my fault and besides, she has most of her bandages off now.  Dad says she should be out of Intensive Care before New Year's.  Again, it was not my fault.  I honestly didn't know that lighter fluid was flammable.  But I do now.  And I feel bad.

OK, here is my list.  I would like a baseball glove (left handed), a midget pony (brown), that really, really, really big box of Lego's that my Dad said was too expensive (he cussed, so don't bring him anything), a pachinko machine, another midget pony (white) to keep the brown one company, a submarine,  a bagpipe or an accordion (whichever is in stock), a Red Rider repeater rifle (the one with the cross hairs on the barrel and the compass on the stock, so I don't get lost), a real Mystery Van from "Scooby Doo",  some erasers for the end of my pencils that are shaped like sharks or bears  and a one off sequined gown from Bob Mackey (off the shoulder).  I like dinosaurs too.

I will be leaving you a plate of cookies and milk by the tree.  Mom said that she made them herself but I'm pretty sure that they are just Oreo's.  Don't bring her anything either.  She can't be trusted.

I hope that you, Mrs. Claus and all of the reindeer are doing good.  Especially Olive because she is my favorite.

Thank you,

Donn

P.S.  If you don't want to eat the "homemade" cookies I will understand.  Just leave them because I know dad will eat them once he finds out that you have not left him anything.

LORD, I DO LOVE ME SOME "PURKLE"!!!

Yes, indeed, this is my favorite color.  I make no excuses... it's just too good of a color.

I am color blind on more levels than I care to explain.  Yeah, it's bad.  I am a hazard at traffic lights in the Western world.  In China, I am a nightmare.  Yes,  in China they reverse the colors.  Fuck.

I have dressed weirdly since the time I was born.  Please, no surprise.  To me, a pumpkin, a tomato and an apple are the same color.  So is most of my clothing.  And my car.  Shit, I'm screwed...

Color blindness is odd.  Strange.  OK, bottom line it just pisses the shit out of you.  TRUST ME!!!  I am a strange cross between  blue-yellow and red-green.  Yeah, and just to you straight guys out there,  80% of all males are color blind to some degree.  Think about it, we can't see colors that females do..  And they see ones that we can't even imagine.  Such is life...

I embrace my "disability" with open arms.  And eyes.  When Sea Squirt and I first met he asked me what my favorite color was.  I answered with a flavor.  Hibiscus.  He didn't have clue.  And then we went to Mexico.  I showed him hibiscus, in it's many hues.  As well as limon, lemon,  bougainvillea, azule and cobalt.  To me they were all flavors that I could see.  And then I showed him aubergine. He had never heard that word before.  But then I showed it to him, with a smile on my face.  It's a fucking magnificent color.  It's purple.  Sort of.  A distinctly reddish purple.  A very distinctly reddish purple.  It makes my bloody heart sing!!!  Yeah, it's that good of a color. Aubergine is a color I would gladly go to war for.  Yep, that good...  Trust me, as a person who is color blind I see it in ways that you just cannot imagine.  I have pity for you.

I love the tropics if for no other reason than the colors.  Reds so deep and vibrant you can sink your finger into them up to your knuckle.  Yellows so amazing that you have to wear sun glasses to look at them.  Blues so saturated that they almost appear black.  And greens, lord, don't even get me started on verdes...  Yes, I dance my way through the tropics for no other reason than the visual overload of colors.  That you can't see.  They are the ones that I can actually "see".  They just fucking pop to me.  Yes, now you know why I dress sort of strange...

Aubergine.  OMG!!!  For me, that color literally glows in the dark like it was in a black light.  It's a color that I can see across a football field and smile when I spot it.  Hell, I could probably see a square yard of that stuff on the moon from my back porch.  Yes, I am indeed an aubergine whore.  Thankfully and gladly.  Aubergine is up there with chocolate in my book and you know how I feel about chocolate!!!

I have a faux niece.  She is all of 9 years old.  Blond haired, blue eyed and so full of life it makes my head spin.  I love her with all of my heart and she makes my soul dance.  She has learned the word "purkle" from me.  And she knows what I mean by "purkle".  Lord love her!!!

Tonight, aubergine...  I toast you!!!

HADDY, HADDY BURPDAY!!!

Yeah, my little Sea Squirt turns 59 today.  He is old, short (shrinking!!!) and greying.  Actually, pretty much grey at this point.   As am I.

But he is a much welcomed warm body to snuggle up to beneath the sheets.  Nothing could be finer!!!

HADDY BURPDAY!!!

JAYNE MANSFIELD...

Yeah, this was my kind of lady.  Bigger than life.  And when you think about it, isn't that always the right size?

When I was a child she fascinated me.  She was blond, buxom and breathy.  And I didn't even know what that stuff meant back then but lord, I loved it.  She was an odd mix of Marilyn Monroe, Mamie Van Duran and Mae West.  Put those three ingredients in a blender and you just never know what is gonna come splashing out.  And splash out they did...

Most of us remember her as a ditsy blond with big tits that she loved to show off.  And lord, she loved to show off those things.  She did it famously.  Just ask Sophia Loren.  The pictures are amazing.  Thank god for Google.

She was taken away too soon.  But when you die at the age of 34 then you will always be young.  And ageless.  I couldn't ask for a better fate.  Forever young.  From Hollywood to Broadway to television, she pretty much did it all.  Her career was actually pretty short but what it was bloody magnificent.   On her way "out the door" she reinvented herself several times.  If she could get a gig, she took it.  Hell, she'd call a news conference for a fart.  Open a new grocery store?  Hell yes!!!  Do a performance at a supper club?  Hell yes!!!  Sign autographs at a gas station???  Hell, yeah!!!  She was Jayne Mansfield and just trying to keep herself out there.  And support four kids.  Yep, my kind of lady...

Her death was horrendous.  She, her manager and her driver when killed late at night on an unlit Louisiana highway when they impacted the back of a semi trailer at a high speed and literally drove under the back of the trailer shearing off the top of the car.  The three in the front seat were killed instantly.  Her three youngest children, asleep in the back seat survived with little injury because they were laying down asleep and just thrown down into the floorboard.  Today, her youngest daughter, Mariska Hargitay is the highest paid actress on television.  Yeah, gene's don't die easy.

Here's some trivia on Jayne...

Amazingly intelligent.  IQ of about 165.  Proven.

Spoke 6 languages fluently.

Played piano, violin and viola like a virtuoso.

Couldn't see more than ten feet in front of herself with out "coke bottle" glasses.

Yeah, this was my kind of lady...

ELEVEN YEARS AGO AN AMAZING WOMAN AND I CROSSED PATHS....

Nothing could have been more magical or miraculous. I was in Mexico.  Yeah, no surprise.  I looked in her eyes and I was smitten.  I knew immediately  that she was better than chocolate.  And as you all know, I don't sell chocolate short!!!

She has opened my eyes and my heart.  She has made me see the world in ways I didn't even know were there.  Yes, she has bitch slapped me on a veranda surrounded in palm trees with a smile on her face.  Yeah, I guess I needed it!  This woman is capable of looking you in the eye, dead on and cutting you off at the knees. I love that!!!

Given the chance she can cuss like a longshoreman.   Again, I love that.  Yet, she can throw her arms around you and give you a hug that is mind boggling.  For both of those things I am happy.  Yeah, she's that good!!!  And I'm happy to have her in my life.  Every so often the Fates deal you a royal flush and this woman is one of them.  Yeah, I've been blessed...

She has taught me well.  Nothing is more important than a street corner.  I know what that means now.  And I am happy for that knowledge.  Very, very happy.

Dear, sweet anonymous woman (sorry, no names here but you know who you are!!!) I bow to you and I wish you the most profound Feliz Cumpleanos!!!  Yeah, it's a week early but who gives a rats ass???  Screw birthDAYS, let's talk birthMONTHS!!!  'Lupe loves you, as do I.  May your cobble stones always be dry.  Or at least passable enough to tap dance on.  And you know how much I like to tap dance...

Dear sweet lady, you make me smile!!!

Bueno!!!

SOMEBODY'S GONNA HAVE A BIRTHDAY!!!

Personally, I don't pay much attention to birthdays (or the passing of the eons as I like to call them) but our household has another one approaching pretty quickly.  Yes, Sea Squirt is careening wildly, peddle to the metal into another one.  A week from today he hits 59.  I crunched the numbers.  If he were a dog he'd be dead.  As would his great-great-great-great grand puppies.  I would love to be 59 again.  As they say, you're only as old as who you feel up.  Or something like that...

I'm not quite sure how he feels about this yet.  He's the quiet one of us.  Hell, he wouldn't say anything even if he was on fire.  A couple of months ago I embraced 60 with a vengeance.  Drunk on what is left of my ass, dressed up funny and happily playing with fire.  Hey, what can I say, I just ain't subtle.  Yes indeed, Sea Squirt and I are complete bi-polar opposites.  When he says "tomato" I say "112".  When he says "potato" I say "112".  Yes, I'm nuts but at least I'm consistent.  He does not adapt to change well but I will do my best to help ease him into this new milestone.  I have my foam clown nose at the ready and am fully prepared to start juggling eels if that's what it takes.  Yeah, I love the little guy that much!!!

And it gets even better.  Sea Squirt comes from of those odd multi generational families.  The spread of years between his oldest sibling and his youngest sibling is 20 years!  As an only child myself I just can't imagine that.  Lord, how horny were his parents???  When he and I first met he was already a great-uncle.  Which automatically made me great-aunt Donn.  I abused the title at every possible opportunity.  So, last night he gets an email and finds out that one of his great niece's has finally given birth.  Can you say great-great uncle Sea Squirt???  How about great-great aunt Donn???  Wait...  Hold on a second here.  I'm sleeping with someones great-great uncle???  EWW!!!  That's kind of creepy.

At any rate, Sea Squirt is about to hit the last year of his "5's" whether he likes it or not.  And yes, I will be there by his side.  Steadying his walker...