Oh, lord... Only is 'sconsin is this type of insanity not only legal but encouraged, celebrated and made public. Yes, Alice In Dairyland. She is an institution here. Nay, an icon. When you see her pass by in any one of the innumerable local parades she graces you put your hand over your heart. And her in 'sconsin that just means that your cholesterol level is in the 4 digit range from all of the dairy products that you have been consuming and that you are about to drop to the pavement. I am an oddity in 'sconsin because I do not have a cholesterol level. Seriously. When they check my levels they always ask if I am vegetarian. I have actually presented readings that were classified as unhealthily low. Now I hit the drive up window for two double bacon cheeseburgers, an order of large fries and grocery store for a pint of heavy whipping cream just to wash it all down with before I go to the clinic just to give them something to count. Bite me!!! I will outlive you all...
Here in 'sconsin we are the "Dairy State". Well, not really. California stole that title from us about 15 years ago. But we still proudly put "Wisconsin. The Dairy State" on our license plates. Why? Because we are 'sconsin. We are a state of truly bull headed bohunks that just don't like being fucked with. Yep, we just love our Holsteins!!! And our cheese. And our butter. And our whole milk, Half & Half, HEAVY whipping cream, sour cream, ice cream and custard. The average 'sconsinite weighs in at about 487 pounds. We are so gung-ho on dairy here that the Monroe Cheese Factory is the only place in the world to produce Limburger cheese out side of Limburger, Germany. It took them almost half of a century of cajoling and petitioning just to get the starter mix sent over. BTW, I LOVE Limburger cheese. It's like the durian fruit of dairy...
Anyway, back to Alice. The title goes back to 1947 and it is a really big thing here. It is sponsored by the 'sconsin Dairy Advisory Board and they shower the newly crowned one with goodies. She gets a car, a scholarship, a chunk of cash, a clothing allowance and an appearance schedule and tons of endorsements. She is indeed "Queen For A Day". All 365 of them. And then she is tossed out onto the compost heap and forgotten. Why? Because we have a new Alice to be excited about. 'sconsinites can be so fickle it just hurts!!!
The highlight of the current reigning Alice are all of the county fairs she makes an appearance at as well as the crowning glory, the 'sconsin State Fair. At these events she gets reduced to pure cholesterol in the weirdest way imaginable. The Alice In Dairyland Butter Carving Contests. Yes, you heard me right, I actually said that. "Artists" are given a 75 pound block of butter and proceed to carve a bust in the likeness of Alice. Alice herself traditionally gets to pick the winner. They give prizes for this insanity. And then you get to shake her hand with your greasy fat fingers. Who in their right mind would want to wear this crown??? The ultimate mental melt down, however, is the State Fair. After the carving contest winner is announced a group of true loonies set down for the butter eating contest. Yes, I actually said that too... It's sad. Contestants set down, face to face with "Alice" (literally) and proceed to see how much of one of the carvings they can each consume in 30 minutes. I am gagging as I type. Oh lord... Difibrillators are usually placed strategically around the tent and within easy arms reach because heart attacks are a common occurrence. Why do they do this? Because the "winner" gets a brand new motor home!!! Which they will never get to drive because they have stroked out, are on a ventilator for the rest of their lives and have lost the use of their legs.
If I get caught with a roach in my pocket my ass goes to jail. If I set down and eat the better part of 75 pounds of butter in public I get a motor home. WTF??? Just how shell shocked were we all after World War II that this sort of nuttiness and abuse made sense to anyone with a dimes worth of gray matter??? Alice, oh Alice. You are a wicked mistress...
No comments:
Post a Comment