Vodka Lite??? What The Hell???

So, I'm the liquor  department at Woodman's the other day (no surprise) and I am perusing the vodka aisle (again, no surprise).  Vodka.  It's one of my favorite liquors.  But then again, I pretty much like any licker.  OK, TMI.  Back to subject...

I gotta tell ya, that aisle is getting pretty damned confusing.  It's got everything from bathtub rot gut to designer names at  $90 a bottle.  Then there are all of "flavored" vodkas.  What is up with that???   These things are not "flavors".   They are aberrations!!!   It's crap like pineapple, coconut, apple, mint, licorice (OMg, that just sounds dreadful!!!) and my favorite worst, butterscotch.  WTF???  How badly do you need to get her drunk to get laid on Prom Night???   These things make boat-drinks with a paper umbrella sound palatable!!!

And then I saw it.  Vodka Lite.  I thought I was hallucinating.  Vodka Lite???  I grabbed a bottle and began to read the label.  I was stunned to say the least.  It has less calories!!!  How fattening is vodka in the first place???  If I'm swilling vodka do you really think I care how fat I am???  Hell, if I'm drinking vodka I'm probably not eating anyway, so those calories actually count.  It has LESS alcohol!!!   WHAT???  And it cost MORE than the real stuff!!!  You water down my vodka and have the balls to charge me more for it???  FUCK YOU!!!  How stupid is America???  OK, I take that question back...  Are we so stupid that we don't know to add a little more mix or make a weaker cocktail???   OK, I take that question back as well...

As a young teenager I was constantly watering down the booze in my parents liquor cabinet.  Yes, I've always been like this, even as a child.  What can I say???  End result:  it got our Jamaican maid fired without just cause.   My bad.  I have never forgiven myself.   I loved her.  She was strange, practiced voodoo and always picked all of the chicken bones out of the trash.  I never had the courage to ask what she was doing with them...  I was afraid she might tell me.

NEVER, EVER WATER DOWN BOOZE!!!  ESPECIALLY BEFORE I HAVE EVEN HAD THE CHANCE TO BUY IT!!!   You will be deserving of having a wild-eyed, crazy, ancient Jamaican priestess wearing chicken bones chase you into a dark alley one night and turn you into her zombie slave!!!   I hope she makes you dig ditches!!!  Enough said...