Yeah, I need some cash. Preferably yours and not mine. My business plan doesn't factor mine in. You see, I am reopening my catering agency. Or a soup kitchen. Perhaps a portable lunch wagon that goes from construction site to construction site. At the very least one of those highly dangerous/flammable bicycle based elote things with the 5-gallon vat of boiling water and corn balancing precariously on the handle bars that I see all over Mexico. Lord knows, I have to do something...
Why, you ask? My kitchen has just officially exploded. I'm not kidding... At last count (at least until yesterday) I had a set of cookware that numbered approximately 45 pieces. Hard anodized, Calphalon, KitchenAid, Faberware, stainless steel, cast iron, Food Network and some stolen shit. It's wonderful. I love it. And that is just the "cookware". Don't even get me started on the French White (enough to open my own store at an Outlet Mall), the Fiesta Ware (WAY too freaking much), the Bobby Flay terra cotta (hell, I don't even like him) or the Pyrex stuff (why do I have an antique 8 fucking cup measuring cup????). For christ's sake, I only have 4 burners and stove the size of a Nigerian postage stamp!!! Who do I think I'm cooking for here, the bloody last supper??? Then there is the "counter top electric" stuff. Pannini makers (yes, plural), the crock pots (again, plural), the electric skillet (only one), the deep fryer and that damned toaster oven from a previous post. Did I mention the multiple food processors??? How about the digital toaster... God, I really do covet single use kitchen appliances. Help me!!!
So.... what do I do? I just got some more. Yeah, what was I thinking... I had a ton of travel miles that were about to expire so I had to do something with them quick. I do a bit of online redemption and the next thing you know I have myself a brand new, 19 piece set of Cuisinart Chef's Classic stainless steel cookware that just totally rocks. It's gorgeous, it's quality, it's cool. And I have absolutely nowhere to put the damned shit. Some of this stuff is freaking immense. Even if I hung this from the ceiling I still couldn't open some of the cupboards and my other half, a short little sea squirt at best, would still hit his head. And he's short!!! Really short. C'mone, you know him... One thing is a 4 gallon stock pot/steamer thing. Three pieces. My god, it's the size of my car!!! What am I, a Mexican funeral???
Yes, this IS a sickness. A support group is in order. QUICKLY!!! How about some medications??? LOTS of them!!! A telethon??? Is Jerry Lewis still alive??? Perhaps electroshock therapy??? Hey, I kind of like the sound of that one... Please, hold my hand while I go through that one, I just love sharing a good "buzz".
BTW, I am making baked macaroni and cheese at the moment. In the new Cuisinart roaster. About an acre of it. I swear to god, there are countries in Eastern Europe that are smaller than this thing. I have tripled the amount of Velveeta that it calls for, added two pounds of Canadian bacon and am baking the hell out of it. This SOB has got to weigh about 50 pounds. Hell, I hurt my back just trying to get it into the oven. Monte's Blue Plate ain't got nothing on me. What we don't eat tonight I am donating to something Mother Theresa has put her name behind!!! Oh, hell, I think she may have actually weighed less that this thing...
So, PayPal is happily awaiting your generous "donations" to my new found adventure. "Mama Donn's Kitchen" is here and weighting....
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