OK, nobody panic, we're fine. And back on dry land again. At last!!! What the bloody hell was I thinking??? A cruise??? You know me and water. It's just not a pretty combination. I've been known to shower with a life preserver on.
So, last week I'm online a find a totally sweet deal on very last minute accommodations on a 7-day cruise to Mexico. I figured what the hell. All the lobsters I could eat for a week and a day to spend visiting with two good friends down in Bucerias. This deal was so sweet we even got a free upgrade to a mini-suite so I just had to have it. You know me and bargains. The next thing you know, the other half and I are on a Greyhound to Long Beach to embark on our luxury, yet steeply discounted Carnival cruise. On the brand new "Splendor". Anything with a name like that has my name written all over it
The ship was pretty. And BIG. Hell, she dwarfed an aircraft carrier!!! The suite was amazing and I had half a tray of Jell-O shots in me before we even left port. Ah, life was good. So, a bit after midnight I'm up the Lido deck knocking down lobsters and some more Jell-O shots when I smell smoke. Hmm, I think to myself, are they firing up the grills for a 2 AM rib fest? So I commandeered another tray of Jell-O shots and went looking for the baby backs. About that time pandemonium broke out. Smoke freaking everywhere and the ship felt like it had the hic-cups. Then the lights went out. Everywhere. I'm on open water, 50 miles from shore and in the dark. Jell-O shots be damned, I was totally screwed!!! All I could think of was the Titanic. And that did not have a happy ending in my opinion!!!
Shortly, the "Emergency Lights" came on. Yes, we all took out our BIC lighters. Then the panic started as the Captain announced over the intercom that the ship was on fire. On fire??? Oh lovely, yet another one of my favorite things. All I was thinking at that point was Muster Station!!! And that insane maritime tradition of women and children first. So I had the good sense to break into the first cabin I came to, rummage through the closet and find an evening gown in my size. Within minutes I'm at the Muster Station, looking like Ginger Grant, with a couple of lobsters under my arm and a really cheap looking knock-off evening bag full of Jell-O shots. As god is my witness, I was not about to go to watery grave hungry, sober or under dressed!!! Cheap handbag be damned. I was hoping with all of my heart that Kathy Gifford was on that damned ship somewhere because I was going to use her skinny little ass as a flotation device...
Then, in the darkness, we hear the Captain make another announcement. Fortunately there would be no need to abandon ship. Because they were flooding the engine compartment to put out the fire. WHAT??? This is a ship, you stupid turd!!! Even I know that you NEVER, EVER willingly flood any part of one of these things!!! Why the bloody hell are you letting that crazed bunch of illegal Pakistani's down in the engine room do this??? I just made my peace and drank my purse...
Morning finally came and we all began to realize the severity of the situation. We were adrift at sea on a 1.2 billion dollar Edsel. Nothing was working on this piece of crap. No toilets, no water, no AC, no elevators, no bars, no pools, no phones, no lights, no motorcars, not a single luxury!!! Now I really was starting to feel like Ginger Grant. And no food. Luckily I stashed the lobsters I had into by purse after the Jell-O shots were gone. So I at least had a few nibblies in case I started feeling a bit peckish.
OK, so for three days we're all living in the 5th ring of Hell. It was like Dante on the brown acid. The US Navy and Coast Guard eventually showed up and began to ferry over "supplies". Yeah, yummy stuff like SPAM and canned crab meat. That's a combination I just don't want to think about ever again. On the second day, the kitchen managed to wrangle up some "sandwiches" for us. Made of canned beets and the last of the cheese that had not liquified in the heat. Again, yummy stuff. But at least the beer was free. And warm... It got bad, I tell you, really bad. I witnessed a young boy who had such an aversion to beets that he actually ate his own foot to survive. I suppose I should have offered him that last lobster claw I still had in my purse but had no idea how long this ordeal was going to continue... The truly annoying part of the whole thing was that we had a convention of 250 magicians on board for the cruise so for 3 days they kept us "entertained". If I see one more long string of colorful scarves or fake flowers being pulled out of gloved hand, another bloody rabbit in a hat or dove being pulled out of handkerchief so help me god, I'll arm myself to the teeth and take out a show room in Vegas!!!
They finally got a small armada of tug boats out to us and got us towed back in San Diego. They initially told us we were going to port in Ensanada and they would bus us back to San Diego. BUS US BACK TO SAN DIEGO??? That's when the mutiny started. Luckily for the Captain, he had a change of heart (and fearing that we may cut his out) decided American soil made a bit more sense. By the time we got back to land the ship was starting to smell just a bit gamey between the smell of 5,400 really sweaty passengers, all of the Black Angus filets rotting in the dead refrigerators and the toilets which had not been flushed in 3 days. Let alone the algae blooms that had started to appear in the pools.
Of course, Carnival gave us full refunds and a voucher good for 25 percent off of our next cruise. Sure, guys, just let us know when the S.S. Minnow is up and running again. Can't wait to do this again!!! They're also putting us up in a hotel here in San Diego for a few nights. It's a lovely place. It's called the Hindenburg Resort and Spa. We've got a room in the tower section...
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