What can I say, I love that word. English. Yeah, English. Thank god I speak it as my primary language or I would never be able to learn it otherwise. It's the only language in the world that can change a noun into a verb. And vice versa. Do not get me started on verbs. I flunked Latin in high school. Big time. All I can remember is "villa es villa Romana", "face amour non bellum" and "omnia vincit amor". (BTW, that's "the house is a Roman house, make love not war and love conquers all." How the hell do I remember this shit???). I can't get my head around a Romance language to save my life. My Spanish is so freaking bad it hurts. Hell, for two years I was wishing passer-by's in Mexico a "Happy New Butt-hole" when I thought I was wishing them a "Happy New Year". Anos is a VERY tricking word. I got slapped, punched and spit on so many times. Verbs. I hate them.
OK, back to peckers...
John Waters, bless his soul, brought the word pecker into the social consciousness with his movie "Pecker". It's not what you think it's about. Which is unusual considering it was made by John Waters. I love him. I think of him as the John Huston of my generation. Magnificent movie maker. Twisted but magnificent. I mean, c'mon, how can you not love that scene where Divine is taken advantage of by the giant lobster? Or the scene with the skid marks? How about "Odorama"? Or "Babs, when's the egg man coming?". I loved it when he filmed Cotton's ass hole singing a song. I loved it when Edie got smacked by a salmon from the third story window. I fell out of my seat and collapsed on the floor in tears. John Waters. He's just brilliance. With a pencil thin mustache. Which, apparently, is pretty easy to carry off in Baltimore. But I digress...
OK, once again, back to peckers...
The world is full of peckers. Lord knows, I've met most of them. Or at least been trapped in check out lines behind them. Or been forced to follow behind them on a highway. At 52 miles an hour... I have been up to my nipples (all three of them) in peckers since I can remember. Holy shit. Peckers. They're everywhere. You'd think there would be a hunting season on them just so we can cull the herd a bit. But no, we just encourage their growth. I personally have been facilitating peckers to grow for decades. I don't know why. It just seemed like a good idea at the time. It's a hard habit to break.
I have met some of the biggest peckers that you can possibly imagine. REALLY big peckers. Several of them have been my boss. This is where I learned how to be bossed around by a REALLY big pecker. I was hesitant at first but eventually I let the pecker do what it wanted to me. It was just easier that way. Trust me, give a pecker what it wants and you can get back to what you were doing a helluva lot faster than if you try to wrestle with the pecker and get mouthy with it. And yes, I have gotten mouthy with quite a number of peckers in my life. I have just learned how to choose my battles. A small pecker is not worth getting mouthy with. It's better if you just grab it with both hands and choke it. Maybe a couple of times. If the pecker is up to it...
In 1992 I was subjected to the biggest pecker I have ever encountered. I'm talking HUGE pecker!!! We got into it on the sales floor one afternoon. Yeah, me and a giant pecker in between jewelry and shoes. Just going at it. I was ready to shake that pecker for all it was worth. I was gonna beat that pecker like it owed me money!!! I could see the security cameras start to aim in on us. Yes, he was the store manager. But I was corporate. CORPORATE!!! I was head office. With a secretary. Corporate peckers DON'T wear name tags!!! I didn't care if he was 15 years older than me, I out-ranked him. I am a bigger pecker than you are, you bitch!!! Five minutes later we have managed to draw a crowd from as faraway as the toy department. You would have thought no one had ever seen two peckers go at it orally. I cursed that pecker. I berated that pecker. I told that pecker it was totally incapable of any growth and wasn't going anywhere.. I told that pecker it was in the wrong place. "Pecker," I said, "Get out of my face!!!" Finally, the assistant manager from electronics came over and separated us. Have you ever tried to get two peckers apart when they're really going at it? It's not easy...
Peckers. I will admit, I have been a pecker most of my almost 60 years. Oh, lord... a 60 year old pecker. Experienced? Yes. Pretty? No. As peckers age they wrinkle. And shrink. And lose their hair. Nothing is more sad than a wrinkled, shrunken and balding pecker. I have covered all of the mirrors in the house in heavy shrouds so I don't have to see it anymore. In my mind I am a young lion looking for a harem to shag. In reality I am a lame lemming with a limp. I'm missing a paw, don't y'know...
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