Oh crap! Yes, it is true, the world has passed me by. I reached my technology apex with the Motorola "Big Boy" cell phones. Anyone remember those things? They were about the size of a brick and weighed just about as much. They had an antenna. Most of the weight of those things was the battery. Which had a useful charge of about 2 hours. If you didn't use it... Aah, yes, the early 1990's.
Today I am lost in a jungle of circuits, micro-circuits and mini-micro-circuits. The cell phone that I now use is about the size of a postage stamp. And I don't know how to use the damned thing. When it rings I just look at it and wonder if it is going to detonate. It is a flip phone. My friends laugh at me. They are begging me to upgrade to something called a Smart Phone. I have no idea what that means. Hell, I have trouble with my answering machine. Again, I'm afraid it might detonate.
I am surrounded by digital appliances. But I have no other option. My microwave scares me. My Crock Pot just shakes its head at me. Even the thermostat gives me dirty looks. And my Mr. Coffee has occasionally flipped me the finger. I just want stuff that has actual factual dials on it. That I can turn.
I barely know how to use my computer. It just keeps "upgrading" itself. What the hell is up with that shit??? I have only slightly begun to learn the last "upgrade" when suddenly there is a new one. Which in all honesty is like trying to translate Portuguese into Mandarin. To me a computer has only three viable uses, email, Google and free porn. Not necessarily in that order. I don't want "apps". Hell, I don't even know what those are. I think FaceBook and Twitter are the crack cocaine of the 21st century. Good for you, you're eating a pickle. I don't want to hear about it!!! Don't even get me started on this "social networking" thing. If your not in the same room with each other then it is NOT social!!!
I recently bought a Kindle thing. Dumbest purchase I have ever made. It just sets on the kitchen counter so I can use it to Google recipes. Once again, I'm afraid it's going to arm itself and detonate.
I am a child of the past. I remember rotary dial phones that were anchored into the wall. Leaded gasoline. Black and white tv's that were the size of coffins. Stereo. What's up with this 5.2 thing? I only have two ears. Both of which were totally wrecked in the 1970's thanks to a rock band named Deep Purple. I'm so old it hurts.
I want a time machine. Send me back to a simpler time!!!
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