BEAVER BUTTS???

As god is my witness, even She wouldn't let me make this shit up!!!

Yes, beaver butts.  We are happily eating the damned things with reckless abandon apparently.  Yeah, beaver butts.  I kid you not.

OK, beavers.  I actually like the little critters.  The real ones.  Not the "Brazilian" ones.  Those sort of scare me.  Hey, I'm gay...  But, again, I like beavers.  Oh just stop laughing, I can hear you and I know where most of you live.  Beavers have things called anal glands (lord, I just don't like the sound of that in any way, shape or form!!!) which they apparently use to mark their territories.  Sort of like a dog leaving skid marks on the carpeting (again, I don't like that either).  Think of a skunk pointing its ass at you and spraying you.  Yeah, pretty...

Only in America could the idiots from DuPont, Monsanto and Kraft come up with a use for the aforementioned beaver butt glands.  I am still at a loss to figure out if they "harvest" the excretions (milking a beaver butt?). And just how does one milk a beaver butt???, Tie them down and drain them or advertise for donors.  Is Craig's List more nefarious than I had previously thought???  Which makes me wonder, how many beavers actually have access to wi-fi???  And just how the hell do they get to that beaver butt "plasma center" donation site???  Taxi?  Bus?  Hitchhike?

At any who, beaver butts.  It seems that those anal glands produce something called castoreum.  Yeah, sort of sounds like something out of Imperial Rome, doesn't it?  Well, trust me, it's even worse than that.  It comes out of a beaver's butt.  I'm gagging as I type...  You will not believe what this stuff is used for.  Can you say raspberry "flavored" candies???  Can you say vanilla "flavored" ANYTHING???  Can you say anything even remotely strawberry "flavored"???  Gummi Bears???  Ju-Ju-B's???  Dum-Dum's???  Gum Drops??? Ice cream??? Soft drinks???  I AM FUCKING APPALLED!!!

I will never go to the freaking concession stand again.  Hot dogs were bad enough, but beaver butts???  Hell no!!!

This is enough to make me friends with hummus!!!  And I HATE hummus!!!

Tonight America, I wish you good times and good luck.  Just don't suck up to beaver butt.

EWWWW!!!!!!