Not to be confused with trailorbites, chiggerbites or moskweetoes.
As you all know by now, I am a porn whore. I started out with glossy magazines. Then I went to 8 mm silent loops. I worked in a porn store when I was in college. I was in heaven. Then came video tape. I loved my VCR. It had "pause". At one point I had 5 VCR's. All hooked up together. Copyright laws mean NOTHING to me!!! I bought VHS tape by the case. Then came DVD's. Again, heaven. Then I got a computer. Need I say more? Al Gore, I LOVE YOU!!!
I have worn computers to a frazzle with porn. Hell, I had to put my first computer into detox. It drank like a chimney and smoked like a fish. When I finally got it back out of the Betty Ford Clinic I started downloading peters into it immediately. It just giggled and rolled its eyes. Yes, I am an enabler...
I am happily leading my new computer down a path of ruin. It's the biggest computer I have ever porned on.
Let's just say that this bad boy has some serious ass Gigs for daddy to work with. Keep in mind I was slogging away on an 11 year old coal fired Mac laptop until about a month ago. This little puppy is like a HAL-9000!!! I am taking it down some of the darkest alley's I have never been able to access until now. I didn't know heaven had a second floor...
Well, of course, I start gobbling up memory like crazy. JPG's. WMV. Quicktime. FLV's. AVI's. MPG's. My god, a plethora of initials was suddenly at my disposal. Even better, at my demand. Nothing makes me hotter than to hit the "save as" command key. I have managed to bring this computer to a total grinding halt on more than one occasion. OK, I was downloading some stuff. OK, I was downloading about 8 porn files at once. And sending an email. And doing some Googling. While I was gambling on line. And playing with PhotoShop. Hey, what can I say, I'm a born multi-tasker. At any rate, I finally realize that my poor computer has so many peckers pointed at it that it just doesn't know which way to turn its head. And yes, I can sympathize with that one. Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt.
Enter my next great technological epiphany. The Flash Disk. Yes, I have raved about these things before. Get over it, it's my Blog. Anywho, you all know that I love these things. Well, things have changed a bit. I have gone from a warm and loving relationship into twisted, co-dependent addiction. I buy those things bulk now. I've worked my way up from 16 gigs to 32 gigs. 32 gigs was the only I way I could think of putting the "edge" back on it, if you know what I mean... What started out as a happy walk in the park has somehow degraded into a back alley lap dance with a rolled up newspaper. Flash Disk, you are a wicked Mistress!!!
I now have an old mayonnaise jar FULL of Flash Disks sitting next to my monitor.. For easy access, don't you know. They are numbered. They are cataloged on a cheat sheet. They are categorized by genre, performer or studio within the Trash Disk itself. OMg, I have a Dewey Decimal System for my porn. I am so freaking anal!!! All of them are full. Totally maxed out. Completely full of peckers. Again, I can sympathize...
So, Sea Squirt is looking over my shoulder the other morning and sees the mayonnaise jar. "What the hell is that?!?" he queries. "What?", I respond, first cup of coffee still in my hand. "Uh, those!!!", finger pointed. "Oh, those are mine.". Yeah, I think REAL fast on my feet at 7:15 AM. So he picks it up and he looks at it. I love it when he does that, but I digress... By this time I am starting to get that "look". I knew I was in trouble. I exercised my only option. I decided to lie my fucking ass off. Yep, I put on the turn signal because I was definitely going to be taking the smoke and mirrors exit on this one.
"Umm, oh, those? I found them."
"Oh, those are for the children."
"Those are just my research. I'm writing a thesis. I'm sure I told you about that. Didn't I? Really???"
"Those are just Gummi Bears, honey."
"Oh, I thought those were yours."
"I don't see anything."
In two words: LEAD BALLOON. OK, so I'm busted. I'm over it. But Sea Squirt did get me curious. Just how many peckers have I got packed in that jar??? Can they still breathe??? Should I poke a couple of holes in the lid??? So, I dump them all out on the desk and grab the calculator. Then I start plugging them all into the remote docking station and going through them. And crunching the numbers. OMg!!! OMg!!! That damned mayonnaise jar had 6 gigs shy of a quarter of a terabyte of peckers in it!!! Holy shit!!! That's enough peckers to reach to the moon if you put them all end to end. I have enough peckers to do a tight-rope act to the moon with. And they all fit in a mayonnaise jar. On my desk. I LOVE TECHNOLOGY!!! Who would have ever thought that if you just made it smaller you could pack more peckers into it??? I know, it just doesn't make any sense but I'm liking it on paper.
Terabytes. I love them. I want a terabyte of peckers!!! Yes, I am sitting here, rubbing the inside of my elbow and considering ramping it up a notch and going for the 64 gig ones. Wicked, wicked Mistress!!!
Terabyte. MAKE ME YOUR BITCH!!!
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