OK, so yet another country has legalized gay marriage. Unfortunately it is France. Do NOT get me started on France. Or, as I like to say it, "france". Anyway...
Gay marriage. I am not a supporter of it. Oh, hell, fucking NO!!!
Let me rant for a paragraph or two. Legalized gay marriage can only lead to one thing: legalized gay divorce. That puts it in a court room. With lawyers. And a judge. And an audience. Think about it. It's not going to be pretty.
I have been through three gay breakups. Each one got progressively more toxic. Breakup number three was frighteningly venomous. It actually got down to pot holders and a potato masher. In the middle of the living room. In front of a dear friend. Who eventually was forced to separate us. I felt so sorry for her. We were her first gay breakup. We put her so deer-in-headlights it hurt!!! She finally grabbed the potato masher and all of the pot holders that she wanted, said "these motherfuckers are MINE", tossed what was left of the blue ones to me, the red ones to the shithead and shouted "holy fuck, you two queens are a royal pain in the ass!!!!" and then stormed out of the door. Yeah, can you see that one in a court room??? That would end up in cattle prods and straight jackets in about half a nano-second. I am a firm believer in just walking up to the soon to ex-partner and saying "I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee" and throwing some of his cat's poop on his shoe. Done deal. Relationship over. Cut and dry. And free. I like free.
Why do we gay folks get so hyped up about marriage? Why do we want to model our relationships around a model that does not work? 55 percent of straight marriages end within 5 years. That is not something I want to aspire to. Strangely, this is why god gave us lawyers. I have a love/hate kind of relationship with lawyers. As Shakespeare said, "Oh, just kill all those bastards" but in all honesty they do come in handy once in awhile. Yes, I have done a lawyer or two in my time. And at least one Rabbi. But I digress...
It's not that I'm against gay marriage. It's just that I see no real reason for it. Sea Squirt and I spent about two hours in an oak paneled room with a really wonderful lesbian lawyer, put pen to paper a number of times and pretty much got "married" . We legally merged. We did the powers of attorney thing. We did the executor thing. We did our wills. In the eye of the law we are better than married. We have FUCKING LEGAL DOCUMENTS!!! And we can change them in a heartbeat. With just another swipe of the pen. Yeah, I want to see you straight folks try to do that and not lose at least half of what you own...
I have loved wholeheartedly. Yet I have consistently divorced like a ravenous hyena. Oh sweet jesus, I can get really fucking ugly. Don't even get me started on the pot holders and the potato masher. Yes, there is someone out there reading this right now who knows what I'm talking about. She was there. Oh, god, girl, I SO apologize for that afternoon... You did the right thing. You physically separated us. Somehow...
What lawyer in their right fucking mind could possibly be paid enough money to want to take this kind of shit into a court room??? Can you imagine me in front of a judge in a divorce proceeding??? A GAY divorce proceeding??? C'mon, you know me. The bailiff would have me in hand cuffs in seconds. The judge would be holding me in contempt within nano-seconds. You do NOT want so see a gay divorce in court!!! Trust me on this one.
Sea Squirt is a damn nice snuggle under the sheets late at night but I am fully aware that I am capable of de-shelling him like a crawdad if push came to shove. Especially if I am lawyered up. Yeah, this is exactly what you don't need in a court room.
Just give me some damned cat poop and lets get on with our lives...
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