Monday, April 1, 2013

LACTOSE INTOLERANCE.

I just cannot imagine that.  Allergic to milk?  Milk eventually transforms into ice cream.  Of varied flavors.  All of which, I love.  And lots of stuff in between.  Again, all of which I love.  Allergic to milk?  Dude, that has to suck ass big time!!!  Yet, on the other hand, I used to suffer from this.  I just don't remember it.  I was only 9 months old.

I was a breast fed baby.  Which was unfortunate since I was lactose intolerant.  Yes, I was actually allergic to my mother.  At the ripe old age of 9 months I was in surgery for a double hernia from convulsing and screaming.  Yes, my parents let this madness go on for 9 months.  What were they thinking???  Anyway, I suddenly became a formula baby.  It was new back then.  Sort of like the Smartphone of nutrition.  My word, I was cutting edge at 9 months old.

Yet, from my earliest memories, I've always been a milk junkie.  In all of it's wondrous forms.  OMg!!!  I really was just allergic to my mother.  That answers SO many questions.

At the age of 13 my latent lactose puberty gene kicked in and my life was transformed.  I started consuming milk like a new born calf.  I discovered cheese.  OMg!!!  Cheese!!!  Oh, wonderful cheese!!!  I could smell a dairy across the next time zone.  I drank milk by the gallon.  Hell, I wanted to "dock" with a cow!!!  What can I say, I put cheese on cheese.  And then I deep fry it.  After I beer batter it...

Yes, I am a lactose whore.  Anytime.  Anywhere.  Oh, hell, just flip me over and slip it up my backside.  Oh, yeah, put a 5 pound brick of extra sharp brie up my pooper and I'm happy.  OK, tmi...



I have done things with cheese that would scare you.  Actually, I have done things without cheese that would scare you.  Don't ask...

I am old.  And yes, I look like morel.  I blame my great-grandmother for that.  Paternal side.  What can I say???

Again, what can I say....

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