OK, as you all know, I am a shopaholic. Put me behind a cart in a store and I go completely crack whore. Hey, what can I say, it's a calling. And I always pick up the phone...
Today was, well... something else. OK, it was like Dante's 27th gate of hell. In all honesty I did not know who to bitch slap first, the mother or her demon seed from hell. They were both monstrous in their own ways. I've never been this torn in my life.
So, I'm at the Dollar Tree (great store, I love it!!!) happily running through my shopping list when I first heard the commotion start. Yeah, that high C over middle C that only a three year old can manage to do. I swear to god, dogs for two miles in every direction were probably knocked to the ground. It was amazing. Oh, hell, it was annoying at the very least. Then it quickly got totally unacceptable. BIG TIME!!! I turned into the Health & Beauty aisle because I needed some shampoo. Big mistake on my part. I quickly found myself face to face with the Devil. And his mother. Again, I did not know who to slap first.
The "creature" could not have been more than 3 years of age. And he was off leash. His mother was in her mid 40's and up to her eyeballs in designer clothes. Yeah, at the dollar store. WTF??? The "child" was making a face not unlike a hyena about to attack and once again gifting me with that high C over middle C thing. I curdled. I panicked. I did everything in my power to just duck and cover. And then it lunged. HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! This little monster went into total fucking bat-shit crazy meltdown. I damned near jumped into my cart just to protect myself. He launched himself down the aisle, arms open and knocking everything off of the shelves he could touch. On both sides. All the while, tearing stuff open and stomping on it. While screaming. Loudly. LOUDLY!!! I all too quickly found myself trapped in an aisle of collateral damage. No shit, I was up to my knees in shampoo, soap, conditioner, tooth paste, mouth wash, bath wash, cotton balls, tweezers, nail polish remover, gunk, goo, sticky stuff and an out of control proto-human like thing.. Who has now decided to take on the next aisle over. Oh, my stars... It was Housewares. There's a lot of glass in that aisle. Well, actually, there WAS a lot of glass in that aisle. That little monster went nuts. I could hear the damage he was doing as I sat in the safety of my cart as the passion fruit scented goo began to seep up over the top of the wheels. The other lone shopper in the aisle ran for her life as store employees began descending from all directions.
"Mother" (I use that term VERY loosely) seems to be totally unaffected by this display and casually calls across to the other aisle, "Timmy, use your inside voice." I damned near cold cocked her right there!!! "Timmy, use your inside voice." ??? WOMAN, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MOTHERFUCKING MIND??? Had I even considered something 1/100th of this at this monsters age I would have immediately been dragged out of that store and locked in the trunk of the car. For those of you my age, you know what I mean...
In less than two minutes I watched thousands of dollars worth of damage be done to a dollar store. Not an easy feat when you think about it. By a 3 year old. Who may or may not of had rabies.
"Timmy, use your inside voice."...
Again, I did not know who to bitch slap, drop kick or sucker punch first...
Luckily, I am a calm sort of person. Oh, just stop laughing, I can hear you!!!
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