How the hell do you get arrested 396 times??? Oh, wait, I forgot, you're a crack whore. Among other things.
396 times??? WTF??? You have more mug shots than my graduating class from high school had senior pictures!!! On one hand, I'm terribly frightened. On the other hand I'm sort of impressed. Well, kind of. Nah, not really. OK, to be kind, I have a number of mug shots myself. Four as an adult (trust me, I use that term VERY loosely) and at least two that I vaguely remember as a juvenile. What can I say, ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies. Actually, yes I will. But that's a whole other post... And why do mug shots always make the picture on your drivers license look like a formal portrait from Olin Mills???
396 times??? Under 86 different aliases??? 86 different freaking aliases??? HOLY SHITBALLS!!! Cupcake, how many wallets did you steal??? Hell, a better question would be, what haven't you stolen??? I have crunched the numbers. You have been arrested more than seven and a half times a year since you were born!!! Shit, girl, you're a bloody fucking mess. You make me look like a viable candidate for the US Supreme Court. And that is a stretch by any standard...
You have gone down on multiple counts of robbery, assault, prostitution, (I can only imagine what a nasty piece of pussy that must be)... Hold on a second here... You actually got someone to pay for that thing??? How hard up were these guys??? I cannot type "ICK!!!" in boldface type boldface enough to show my shock. That is just nasty!!!
The police know you by name. When they scoop you out of the middle of the street. Naked. Foaming at the mouth. Yeah, naked in the middle of the street and foaming at the mouth. And yet, someone is apparently ready, willing and able to pay for your nether regions. In the name of whatever, how horny do straight guys get???
You are now behind bars. Again. Thank god for small favors. Your last offense??? Well, it seems that you attacked a 75 year old man from Bosnia who does not speak English. With a dinner fork. A dinner fork??? Sorry, but I'm still shaking my head in disbelief. You attacked a 75 year old non English speaking Bosnian man with a dinner fork??? A dinner spoon would have made more sense because it is easier to cook up some crack in a spoon than a fork. Oh, wait, I forgot, you're sort of fucked up. No, wait, you're incredibly fucked up.
My worst nightmare is being a member of the jury at one of your seemingly endless trials. Twelve innocent people projectile vomiting is not something I ever want to be a part of. EVER!!!
There but by the grace of god...
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