Yes, that is a song done by Annette Funicello way back in the 1950's. Which by the way, has nothing to do with this post. Just thought I'd give you a heads up on how twisted Disney was.
At anywho....
I am a big fan of tropical fruits. Oh, just stop laughing, I can hear you. And you know what I mean by that. I have never met a mango that I didn't want to marry. I have never embraced a papaya that I didn't want to put the schtup to. A kiwi can carry me away in a heartbeat. A starfruit? Duck and cover, here comes momma!!! Now, pineapple is a whole different gig. It's like coconut. It has to (HAS TO!!!) be fresh.. The canned stuff just suck rocks. I'd rather eat the label. Seriously. I can set down with a fresh pineapple and a knife and just go to town. Preferably naked. It just saves on the laundry bill. Yep, I'm a messy eater. Just ask Sea Squirt. He has pointed at stains on my clothing that I don't even know where they came from. To me food is a cross between Play Dough, boogers and a mud wallow. Yeah, I'm actually that bad. I'm pretty much best draped in a canvas tarp and spoon fed. It's just easier that way. Trust me.
OK, back to pineapple. For some reason, don't ask me why, I have decided that I want to grow a pineapple plant. Again, I have no idea why but it just sounds cool. According to the sites I have visited on the web there is no actually carved in stone way to do this. I hate that!!! I have tried rooting them in water. I have tried just sticking them into some dirt in a pot. Results? SQUAT!!! Lots of mold. Dead things. You name it, I have produced it. Scary shit has come out of that pot, but never a viable pineapple. I am pissed.
Pineapples are bromiliads. Hell, you should be able to just nail them to the wall and they'll grow. Mine? Hell no. In the name of freaking meatloaf, bromiliads don't even have a root system, they don't like being watered and fertilizer is poison to them. A sledge hammer can't take these things down. yet I can get one to root to save my life. I have been all over the web trying to figure out how to do this. Some idiot actually suggested starting them from seed. What the fuck have you been smoking, your shoes???
As the goddess is my witness, I will indeed pull this off. I don't care how many motherfucking pineapples I have to go through but I'm gonna make one of these SOB's work I am an ornery old fart that is just not willing to be denied. I JUST WANT A GOD DAMNED PINEAPPLE PLANT!!! Do not ask me why. You wouldn't what to hear the answer. Let alone understand it. Hell, I don't even understand it. It's kind of like a head injury on the brown acid. And if you if you understand that last sentence at least you are in my lane. And driving way over the speed limit. And way over the center line...
I'd have it no other way.
Pineapples...
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